Never Met a Girl Like Her | ✔️

(45)

L E O N I E

I can't control everything. I can't control everything. I can't control everything.

I couldn't control the fact that it took the clinic like twenty long minutes to grant me the right to leave early based on an unforeseen emergency. Funny that it was unforeseen. Like people go around planning emergencies all the time. Insert eyes rolling into the back of my brain.

I couldn't control the fact that it then took a cab another fifteen to come and get me. I couldn't control the traffic or the fact that there were no spaces in the drop off zone so the cab left me half way across the parking lot. But screw it. I'd done a hell of a run to make it in time to say goodbye to Sarah.

It was a good thing that there wasn't a lot else to do at rehab apart from read, do correspondence school work, eat and exercise. But in the end, no matter how much running I'd done on the treadmill over the last two months, I didn't get there in time. Sarah died and I didn't get to tell her that I'm sorry I was so selfish and ended up in rehab for the last two and a half months instead of being with her.

So if I wasn't careful, I was going to lose a lot of the progress that I'd made. Because I seriously wanted to hate myself for missing that time with her. I wanted to be mad at Heath for not telling me how sick she was sooner. But it wasn't his fault. He wanted me to heal. I needed to heal. It was just the way that things panned out and I couldn't control that. Or fix it. Or do it over. So I had to accept it and not let it fester.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. It snapped me out of a haze and I looked up from my black velvet platforms to find Jess giving me a cautious smile. "You alright?"

I nodded and looked back at the room full of people wearing dark colors and even darker expressions. I mean, there were smiles. Chatter. Celebration of a beautiful life. But underneath those smiles, there was a definite sorrow. And why wouldn't there be. Sarah was gone and she wasn't coming back. The world had lost a bright light.

We were at the funeral reception. It was being held at the Gilmore home where the pain was made even more raw. The photos on the walls. The signs of her living because of a hoodie draped over a chair or her shoes at the front door.

Jazz hadn't moved much it would seem. I wondered if it was because she couldn't bare to face the fact that her daughter wouldn't be coming back for those items. Or if it was just nice to remember her in the smaller details. Jess sighed and picked up a club sandwich from the table, gesturing at Bray and Alex before she put it in her mouth.

"Alex seems to be holding up well," she mumbled with a full mouth. "Bray still won't leave him alone though."

"Alex needs him right now," I mumbled and ran a hand through my hair.

"Oh I know," she nodded. "It's nice to see him being a good support. He's actually been great this past week. He hasn't left Alex much at all. It makes me proud."

I watched Bray listening to Alex talk. We couldn't hear what was being said but it was clear that Bray was being attentive and respectful. That didn't surprise me though. He was always a good friend when he was needed. No matter how much of a clown he could be, he came through when it was important.

"Where's Jazz?" Jess questioned.

I scanned the room but couldn't find her among the few friends and family members that sat on the sofa or stood in the kitchen or flipped through photo albums. She'd be around. She wasn't coping all that well. I'd seen her age over the last week while I'd been about, helping with funeral arrangements or ordering food or cleaning dishes. Mom had been here too. She hauled up with Jazz in her room for the most part but that seemed to be enough to help. She couldn't stay for the funeral, as much as she wanted to.