28th of May, 2019
I am Vincent, I never really showed any interests with Gods and deities, nor even prayed to them, they were not really in my lists nor I believe in them. I never ever talked to any of them and I would never want to. In short, I am an atheist.
I do not believe in any spiritual living, but I believe in reincarnation wherein when I die I will just be in another person's body again, living another life. I do not believe in hell or heaven.
Of all these, I'm actually a part of some religious doings, I go to church everyday because of my grandmother, I can not lie and tell her I do not believe in any God because I was afraid of her reaction, but I have told my friends about it back in 2017 but... It didn't work out for us because of the distance.
The year today is 2019, and I have met a few friends, a few people who I enjoyed being with during lunch breaks, a person who opened my eyes.
She introduced me to her religion, and found out we have the same religion, although I did not believe in God, she still considered me as a good friend unlike the others. We also debated about wether God is true or not.
I asked her all about why God give us problems and why not should God give us happiness if he really love us? And she answered with the deepest answer I have ever heard, "God gets lonely if you do not call out to him, you will be caught up with your own selfishness and forget that God gave those wonderful things," she answered exactly just like that, but it was just not that enough for me to hear,
"Then why can't he just put a thought in my head that he's there, that God is there?!" There I started to shout and she let out a small laugh, then she paused, "God loves us," I was puzzled at that moment, "Why would he control us? Our thoughts? God is reasonable, not possessive. He does not control but he guides us. And it's up to you wether you believe it or not." She continued. I did not know what to say after hearing those words, those words that are so hard to reply to, those words I can not find a reason to say that God does not exist.
I am so lost in thoughts, I do not know where to go, who should I believe in times of grief? Hardships? Pain? Trials? Who should I grasp on?
Such fictional characters can't even hold my hand to pull me out of this dark pit. It is killing me inside, it feels as though this dull knife is sawing back and forth, just enough for it to rip my heart, my confused heart.
How can I seek the truth when I got used to believing what was mine?
°°°°°°°°°°°
Save me, I'm lost
Oh, lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for...
∆∆∆
A/N: Sometimes, a confused heart's remedy is a song to relate on! Listen to the song Show Me What Im Looking For by Carolina Liar to ease it up a bit!
SONG LINK: https://youtu.be/5IqCfxgKZd8
YOU ARE READING
Everyday's Battle Of An Individual
Random"Different circumstances, one book Different people, one goal We all live with the same air but with different paths" - Sea
