Can't Pretend//Drarry

Dark Thoughts

Chapter Ten:

They walked in silence to Dumbledore's office. Draco was left alone with his thoughts, and the fear that Dumbledore might not believe him. His thoughts raged like a storm inside his brain, twisting and tugging him every which way. His mind was becoming a cold place to be and getting colder by the second.

Draco didn't know anymore what was right or wrong. What was good or bad. He didn't even know whether being with Harry was the right choice. How could he tell the difference when he'd made so many past mistakes? How could he, knowing that this was probably just putting everyone in danger all over again? He took in a deep breath, trying not to panic as the hallways suddenly seemed to be getting thinner and making him feel more and more boxed in.

Draco stopped cold in his tracks, fear pounding in his chest. "H-Harry?"

Harry turned to face him, a look of concern spreading across his features. "Yeah?"

His Addam's apple bobbed in his throat. "I'm not s-so sure this is a good idea." Draco cursed the way his voice was shaking, cracking mid sentence as he tried to talk. He hated the sound of the words on his tongue, the way he sounded weak and small, like the type of person he swore he'd never be. He looked up at Harry, he looked at the way Harry stood, strong, proud, Harry was the tree that couldn't be knocked down by storms or saw.

Harry gave him a gentle look, concerned about Draco. He saw the look of panic and fear behind his blue eyes that he knew only someone like Voldemort could inspire. "He can't hurt you." Harry tried to reassure him.

Draco stared at the ground. "It's not me I'm worried about him hurting." It was hard for him to be open about how he felt, especially after so many years of keeping everything locked in. After so many years of feeling guilty for the fact that he even had emotions. The tears that prickled at the corners of his eyes, the sadness that was threatening to spill over, Draco tried his best to hide it. He looked down at the ground, tucking his chin into his chest and pretending that he was only wiping his eyes. He didn't want to think about what might happen to Harry if Draco spoke out about Voldemort and the Death Eaters. He didn't want to think about the way that the Dark Lord could use his feelings against him if he only knew what Draco felt for him. Draco looked up at him. "It's you I'm worried about." he said softly.

"He hasn't been able to get to me before, what makes you think that he'll be able to kill me now?" Harry pointed out. He briefly remembered Cedric. The look on his face when he was hit with that final killing curse, and the way his body crumbled to the ground. Harry didn't want to tell Draco about it. He didn't need to give him one other thing to panic about. Harry knew how fragile human life was. He knew just how easy it was to lose someone, but he didn't want Draco to think about that. He didn't want Draco to know just how easy it would be for Voldemort to simply try to kill him again.

He took in a shaky breath, the tears were still coming quickly down his cheeks. "But what if he does, huh Potter? He wants to kill you, and he won't stop until h-" Draco stopped, his voice cracking mid-sentence. His chest heaved, letting out a loud sob. Harry looked into his eyes and didn't know how much more heartbreak poor Draco could take.

-----

Draco was shaking in his skin. His trembling hands reached up to wipe the small tears from his cheeks. He'd be crying a lot lately. Or at least more than he meant to. Crying used to make him feel small. It used to make him feel weak. It made him feel vulnerable. But he felt he could cry around Harry. He felt he could be himself around Harry. And maybe it was time for him to stop pretending to be someone he wasn't. Now that Draco knew just how good it felt for him to be himself, he didn't want to go back to being someone else.

Harry pulled him into a tight hug, as though he was trying to squeeze out all of Draco's pain and fear. Harry desperately wanted to heal the aching sadness that haunted Draco. He wanted to show him that he was allowed to be himself. That he was aloud to cry, and laugh, and smile again like he used to do.

There was too much pain there for Draco to not be allowed the happy ending he deserved. And Harry was determined to give it to him. Harry was determined to give him the world. "It's okay." Harry whispered into Draco's ear, as Draco sobbed loudly into Harry's chest. "I know you probably don't believe me right now, but things will be okay." He told Draco confidently. Through Harry's own life, things had almost always turned out okay in the end. He thought he would have to live with the Dursley's forever. And that turned out okay. He thought Uncle Vernon would never let him attend Hogwarts and that turned out okay too. He thought no one would ever believe him about Cedric Diggory, but even that problem had nearly fixed itself because Dumbledore believed him, as did his friends.

"B-but what if-" Draco spoke the words in between soft hicks. Harry interrupted him, putting a finger against Dracos's lips.

"There is no what if. Don't even start with what ifs, because what if things are beginning to get better for the both of us and you're too distracted by the small what ifs to focus on what's going on now?" He smiled down at Draco. "Right now, Dumbledore can fix things with you and the Death Eaters, and Voldemort will be after me whether or not you're working with them, and right now the last thing I need is for you to continue putting your life at risk." He said the last part gently. He didn't want to scare Draco off. The last thing Draco needed was for him to be panicked. He didn't want to let on just how much the thought of Draco being a part of them scared him. He thought back to all the times he saw Death Eaters in the flesh, fired off spells in any which direction in an attempt to keep himself alive. He thought of their thick cloaks, burying their faces in shadows when they had their hoods throw up.

What could have happened if one of them was Draco?

Draco spoke, pulling Harry out of the dark thoughts that swirled around his head. "I guess, I can go inside his office with you... But please can you do the talking for me?" Draco asked quietly, feeling small and insignificant. His mind was still in a panic, thinking about what would happen to him, both after Dumbledore found out and after the Dark Lord found out how Draco had betrayed him. He couldn't picture either ending well.

Harry nodded, giving him a reassuring smile. "Don't worry," He said. "Dumbledore will understand. He knows Voldemort better than any of us." Draco flinched at the sound of the name. "He knows how manipulative he can be." Still, Harry saw the fear in Draco's eyes. He wanted to pull him in closer, and to tell him that everything would be alright, even though Harry knew that after everything Draco had been through he wouldn't believe it. He wouldn't believe that it would be okay. He didn't believe that this story wouldn't end in disaster.

Harry pulled Draco closer, wrapping his arms around his torso. "Draco," He whispered gently. "Everything is going to be alright." Draco leaned his head down on Harry's chest and sighed.

"I hope so." He replied, although there wasn't an ounce of hope left in his voice, and Harry knew his mind was plunging slowly into the abyss that was Draco's dark thoughts and fears.