Dear You,
Hi, I write because I want to express my feelings. Scratch that I write because I want to tell you what I’m feeling. I need to tell to someone . . . someone meaning, I just keep writing and writing and you just read. I start by introducing myself, I’m me. I’m a graduate student who doesn’t have a job. Basically I call myself worthless. There are times that I question myself. Why am I here? Everybody have a reason for existent, so why am I here? Now, let me tell you this, I have a family whom I dearly love. I have a mother who is a widow and I’m an only child. We are not rich. We are poor but we have a meal 3x a day. Back to the question, you’re thinking that my reason for my existence is to provide my mother a good living. To have a job and help my mother, you are correct. So this is the part that I say that I’m worthless. You do understand now. Every day, I always think that I’m not capable of finding a job. I’m dumb and stupid! They are the smart one. I feel that I’m not worthy for them. I feel ashamed. Now, this is the part that you say that why don’t you get a job. It’s much easier. Again you are right. I’ve been waiting here, I follow-up my application but the thing is they are not replying to my text. To top it up I went to the agency and ask them if they have a job offer but they mention this company that I’m still waiting and they say that I just keep waiting because the evaluation is taking too long. You know the feeling of agony. Every passing minute is agonizing. I waited for them to text me, every time my phone beep I always check if it’s them but to my utter disappointment it’s either a text from my sim card advisory or a quotes from a friend. Now that’s frustrating. I always tell myself be positive and have faith. But then again my alter ego would say don’t expect too much you’ll get a heartache. Guess who always win? Of course the negative ones, all of my thoughts are full of negativity. It’s good though, because prevention is better than cure. If you have too much faith you’ll end up hurt badly and became more disappointed. If you have too much positivity, you’ll just look stupid. If you hope so much, once it didn’t came true you’ll just crash and burn. But despite all of that I always hope even it hurt so bad that it makes my heart ache. Literally I mean. It’s like I’m suffocating. I still have faith because there is a little voice in head shouting that keep your head together, you need to survive in this cruel world. You need to struggle to achieve your dream. I always have hope because I pray and I pray to God to grant my wish. To make my dream come true, I always say please God help me, make me strong so that I can face all the struggles in my life. But it’s all pain. I still feel pain. From the disappointment, regret and the feeling of being worthless! From the neighbor’s scrutinizing eyes that mocks me. From the disappointment voice of my family, from comparing me to others that are best because they did this, they did that. I endure it. I cry and cry because a good cry can make the pain go away temporarily but it always be embedded in my mind the negativity words will always hunting me. All of this pain. I’m not perfect. I’m just a human that makes a mistake. But I feel that there is no room for my mistakes because I just got a one chance and it has to be perfect. It has to be there way. I need to do this and do that. Like I said I’m only human. I only live once, yeah that’s right. But I need a second chance. I still deserve it right? I’m sorry if I hurt everybody I love, my family. I’m sorry because I’m me. I’m not smart. I don’t have talent like they do. But please. Stop it. I’m hurting. Even they said that I’m insensitive trust me. It’s my defense mechanism. I don’t want to be hurt by the mocking words that I ignore it. I’m very much sensitive that being insensitive is my mask. To the hateful and hurting words that you throw at me, I wish you can see through me that I’m just misunderstood! I’m so sorry for the disappointment I gave them. I will try to fix myself, please be patient, and please have faith in me because that’s what I’m doing right now. I hope and hope and hope and I pray and still have faith that in the end of this road there will be bright and sunny days. I’ll be able to help my family and maybe one day they can be proud of me and I don’t feel worthless anymore.
No guts no glory.
No pain no gain.
Me
