A Beginner's Guide to the American West ✓

chapter seven

s e v e n

*

I feel better in the morning. I always do, when the sun returns and blanches the darkness of night that seems to be infiltrating my brain recently. There's a moment of disorientation when I forget that I'm in a tent, until last night comes flooding back and I expel it with a groan. Arjun's still asleep next to me, curled up on his side.

Apparently we both drifted towards the middle of the tent in the night, because the nape of his neck is mere inches from my nose. He smells like sleep and the faint remainder of yesterday's aftershave. I roll away before it gets too weird – I'm not sure he'd be amused if he woke up and I was sniffing his neck, though I can't help but notice his smell when he's so close.

My hand falls on my phone and through blurry eyes, I see that it's only six o'clock. Last night, Sam's parting words were that although today's going to be a long driving day – at least six hours in the van – we're in no particular rush. I find the crumpled itinerary he gave us on day one, and when the words stop jumping around the page, they tell me that today we're hitting up Joshua Tree National Park on the way to an Arizona campsite right on the Colorado River.

Flo will be jealous of that. She's a bit of a nature nut, a total sucker for all things Mother Earth, and I know she'd be over the moon to check out the incredible national parks of America. While Dad's jealous of the cities I'm visiting – a few days in L.A. before the trip; a few days in San Francisco afterwards; a couple of days in Las Vegas in the middle – and Mum's envious of the beaches and the small towns, it's the vast expanse of the Grand Canyon and Yosemite that Flo would love.

Maybe when she's older, we could do it together. Maybe one day I'll persuade my parents to do a road trip of the states with us, though that would also involve persuading them to play the lottery while convincing the universe to let us win.

I could get more sleep. I don't need to be up for at least an hour and I'm not sure I slept that well last night, but my phone's still in my hand and when it buzzes, I check the screen. A text from my sister, as though she knew I was thinking about her. Except she isn't suggesting we travel the parks together; she's telling me something I don't want to hear. Something I really don't need to hear.

FLO: heads up: mum and dad know something happened.

FLO: they don't know *what* happened but they just got home from the shop and said they bumped into george and they asked me if you guys fell out and if that's why you've been so sad

FLO: p.s. yes they know you've been sad. It's super obvious. But i didn't say anything bc i know you didn't want me to. Actually that's not true. I said i thought you were sad about leaving school. Dad thought it was funny. Mum looked worried.

Shit. Shit. My pulse suddenly triples its speed and my face instantly feels hot and prickly, about to break out in a cold sweat. My palms are too hot and I suddenly feel claustrophobic. It's a struggle to get out of the tent without disturbing Arjun but I manage it, almost tripping over him as I tug on yesterday's shorts and t-shirt.

It's not that I don't want my parents to know I'm bi. I know that would be no big deal to them. It's not even that I don't want them knowing I secretly dated George for two years, that we slept together in my room, that I loved him and he broke my heart. I just ... this isn't how I wanted them to find out. I don't want to have to relive it all with them when I'm still coming to terms with it myself.

I'd been about to tell them about George and me anyway. I'd been thinking about how to tell them in the most understated way possible, and figured maybe I'd just hold his hand or kiss him when they were around. And then I picked a thread, hoping it was nothing, and I unravelled our entire relationship.