How i feel about my relationship

May 30th 2019.

You are the one I worry so much about. I stay up and cry sometimes thinking about how any second anything can change. I hate change. I look at how many girls you have friended on facebook. All the ones who heart react to your shit. All the ones who comment as if they know you. When I know they aren't your family or childhood friend. I hate knowing there are women more attractive then me in your life. Not because im insecure and it makes me jealous but because ive caught you doin that shit before. Which leads me to question. Why am I trying to hard to get you to forgive me. Why am I trying so hard to be the woman you want. You push me away. Every little time I feel like im being to much, either to clingy or to over barring or too possessive. My mind doesn't know where its going anymore. Ive become obsessed with how you see me because I want you to think im your world. I want to be enough and even when you tell me I am its never reassuring. It just sound like you want me to shut up. Or maybe it's the way I read the letters on the screen. See life in each other lives would so much easier with us in the same room. I could make you fall in love with me with a single look, or a single pancake. Because in person I could be a slave and not care as long as you love me...

When you come back I feel so wanted and noticed because you wouldn't have come back if you didn't want me but while we talk I feel so unwanted and unnoticed. I want to say its not your fault but you are however the one making me feel like this. I feel like you could have anyone and you choose to torture me. I day dream about our life together. Kids and everything and then you leave the second I tell you about it. Youre the one whose left so much but have come back so much. I don't know if you want me or if youre literally just fucking with me. Because if so I legit CAN NOT take it anymore. I want you to stay. I want to do everything I can to make you want to stay but I feel like I have no power over that decision. I just want to be the one you want. Forever. And honestly there is no pace for me. I cant take it slow. I say what I feel. I just want to be the one you tell everyone about. Its painful being a secret. I want to stop listening to sad songs and realizing that's how you made me feel at some point. Im tired of trying so hard to impress you when youre the one that hurt me.

Im not right in the head. Im bipolar and you obviously never bothered to look up what it could mean. My mind is not my own. I have other ones inside there. Telling me the alternative outcomes of everything I say and everything I do. Its not like voices. They don't make me do things like commit murder. They just tell me things. About how unloved I am. It tells me that you don't want me. I tell you I love you and you don't say anything. I can tell there is SO much you don't want to say. Are you afraid of hurting me? Because if you could tell its to late for that. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want you to leave over me telling you how I feel. You always leave. I don't know why. I think about you 24/7. Most days in torture. Because I don't know if youre going to leave the next day. Weve made so much progress, im scared that if I open my mouth with feelings that ill mess it all up and scare u off again. Im tired of crying. I just want to be ok.