Elton Castee
My usage of the lyrics don't match the meaning, hence I only use half of the lyrics.
-
I've broken my own heart by falling in love with people who never gave a fuck about me and didn't care about breaking my fucking heart.
-
When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry and curse at the wind. He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to reassemble it.
I hadn't been that old when I was told that my parents were getting a divorce, I was maybe 9. My dad sitting on the porch on a particularly warm April. The wind was blowing back in our faces as my dad was mumbling words he (seldom/often) said. He mumbled about how he knew what he was getting into before he got married. He should have never married her.
My momma sw-ore that she would never let herself forget and that was the day that I promisedI'd never sing of loveIf it does not exist.
Their sides of the story had been different, it seemed like neither one of my parents had wanted to admit what they didn't do right. My dad swore that mom cheated, that she had never given a fuck about the family the pair had spent so long trying to build. My mom swore that my father was the one who didn't care, that she had spent so long trying to get an ounce of love out of him that she got tired of being unloved. Neither was right, they could argue and tell me every story they could think of, but it wouldn't change the fact that what they had wasn't love. At nine years old, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't fall in love with someone who never loved me back. I never wanted to end up like my mom and dad. I don't want to have kids with someone who was gonna give up on the life we made together for someone else, someone who hadn't been there like I had been.
You are the only exception
"I can't do this." Elton's head snapped up from his phone as he looked at me, I could see the panic in his eyes. "I can't dance around each other like this. What the hell are we doing?" I was standing now, nothing was making any sense. Elton and I had been 'together' for around 2 years now, we had never confirmed if we were dating or if we were just friends with benefits or what. 2 years was a long time to be whatever with someone. "What do you mean?" He asked. I closed my eyes as I exhaled, what did I mean? If I had a problem being whatever with him, why did I bring it up now? Why didn't I say anything 2 years ago when it started? I opened my eyes, "It's been 2 years of dancing around this thing, a label, confirmation, anything. I just wanna know if this is going somewhere. Are we are friends with benefits or are we dating or are we something in between that? I'm confused." Elton locked his phone before standing up in front of me. He shrugged, "I always just assumed we were dating. I mean, you live me and we act like we are dating. I guess I just never asked the question." The words got stuck in my throat, 'I'd never fall in love with someone who never loved me.' I couldn't ask him if he loved me, I couldn't. I didn't want to know. I had fallen in love and although, we never told each other 'I love you' I was head over heels in love and now, I was scared. I was scared that he wouldn't love me back. I would have broken my promise but deep inside, I know that I had already broken in if I didn't ask. "Say it." My eyes snapped to his. "Whatever it is that's on the tip of your tongue say it." I inhaled deeply. The words formed in my head, "If you don't love me, do me a favor and don't say anything." He laughed, as I stepped back. "You're crazy." He walked over to me, pulling me close to him. "If I didn't love you, I wouldn't still be here."
and then, my eyes snapped open and I was welcomed back to the harsh reality that was my real boyfriend. My real life. I felt the sick rise in my throat as the guy who I had broken my promise for stood at the foot of the bed yelling slurs and words, not even my father spoke. I pushed off the blanket and was thankful that I denied living with him as I tugged my shoes on, while he stood screaming at me for something I didn't do right. I stood up, shoving my phone in my pocket and called his name. "I don't fucking care, this is it. I'm done being with you. We are done, I hope to god you never get another girl to treat like shit." I walked down the steps and out the front door of the house that I had been in too many times, the house that had given me many scars and bruises. I hadn't know where I was going until I got there.
7:17 am me: hey are you home
7:19 am Elton: uh yeah, why?
7:20 am me: k great come outside, please
7:21 am Elton: wtf ok.
I sat in my car, nervously waiting until I heard a knock on my window. I turned as I unlocked the other door, "Can I ask why?" He got into my car. I chewed my lip, "I walked out on him. I broke up with him and I left." I ran a hand down my face as I sighed. "I never thought you'd actually do it." I looked at him, confusion spread across my features. "I mean, we've always talked about it. I just never thought you'd do it." We both sat in silence for what seemed like forever. I began thinking of my dream, I never realized that I wanted to be with him. Maybe I didn't maybe I just wanted a boyfriend who treated me like a person, and my brain auto-filled that gap with someone I knew. I knew that wasn't the case. There was a part of me that always knew I wanted to be with since I've known him. He was with Amanda then, now it's different. Now, we are both single and both here. "Amanda called me today, asking if she could come over. I asked her why and she said she missed me and Circa. All that I could think of was that if she missed me why'd she do it?" I nodded, "She never meant anything. I never understood why you stayed with her for so long but I guess we were in the same position." He nodded and we sat there for a few more seconds before he spoke, "I don't think it was the same. I mean, I always wondered why you were with him and all that, but I just-" I cut him off, "I hated her, Amanda I mean." He seemed so taken back, "Why?" I inhaled deeply and figured that there was no better time to say it then now I guess. "I was in love with you and seeing Amanda have you and get to be with you just made me hate her. I spent so much of the time that you guys were together being angry at you that I don't even think I saw you very often. I never wanted to talk to you because I felt like you purposely broke my heart. Of course, I know now that you didn't mean to but it still hurt. Knowing that You liked her over me. I know, it wasn't ever really your fault, you can't help who you fall in love with I guess. What I'm saying is that I love you and things are so shitty that I don't even know if I really care whether or not you love me back." When I finished, he looked at me and smiled, "You just talked for a solid 2 minutes and you didn't even breathe." We both laughed and when we were done, Elton just looked at me with a smile. "What?" I felt my face go red, I hadn't fully processed what I had said to him yet. I would only come to know what I said when he spoke again, "I love you and I know now of all times probably isn't the best time to say it but I mean you just confessed to me about it so I figured the least I could do is let you know that I feel the same way." I felt the blush spread across my cheeks as I sighed again, placing my head in my hands as Elton's laugh rang out through the car. He opened the car door, still giggling to himself. Before he got out, he leaned over the center console and kissed my cheek. "Good luck with all of your, uh, stuff." I leaned my head back against the seat as he got out of the car. Right before he closed the door, he called out my name. I turned my head and let my eyes meet his.
"You are the only exception."
