In The Driver's Seat

You can't be scared your entire life, an imaginary conversation

"You can't be scared your entire life," they said.

Their tia, their tio--various family members who think that's helpful information.

You can't be scared your entire life--oh really? Well I have been--I have been, basically, for my entire life, so what do you have to say about that?

They--their family, the people who've told them that--would probably say "well that's not what I mean" and they just wish they could tell them, "oh no, I know, what you probably mean is you shouldn't be scared for your entire life, and that's not helpful either! I KNOW THAT ALREADY!" But I'm trying to help you," she, he, they would probably plead. "But it's not helping!" They wish to say and scream and shout.

"I ALREADY KNOW THAT! Do you think I like being scared all the time? Do you think i'm doing this for fun? I'M NOT!

I CAN'T CONTROL IT--NOT COMPLETELY!
I have been dealing with this forever around a family who, overall, just doesn't seem to get it! I've been sensitive practically since the goddamn womb and you still don't get that either!
You still treat me like anyone else!
You still do things that you know upset me, and it's like you're trying to get me used to it or to toughen up or some other bullshit but I'm aluminum. I am not steel, quit hitting me with a hammer and sticking me into the fire and then being surprised when I am bent or melted.
You say you know me, you say you care for me, you love me but then you go and do this. The same old shit, tell me the same things. 'You can't be scared, you shouldn't be scared'--this isn't helping! 'Shouldn't be scared'? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE! When everyone decides to crash into you simply for being you, the way you talk, dress, the things you like, what do you expect? You put up things to protect yourself, air bags that go off sooner, windows that are darker so you can't be seen, what do you expect? After what I went through--the fact is I was already sensitive and then things happened and of course I'm like this. The family I was born into didn't and most don't know what to do with me, how to help me, and I'm not inclined to hand out instructions to people who just aren't listening. 'I'm trying to help you' AND I'M TELLING YOU IT'S NOT HELPING! IT HASN'T BEEN HELPING FOR YEARS NOW, HAVEN'T YOU GOT THE MEMO BY NOW?! QUIT IT! YOU'RE NOT HELPING! I am bent in places I shouldn't be and melted in others, I came out aluminum and you're still treating me like steel, please just stop it already."

Sigh....

They suppose they shouldn't be too surprised.
Most of their family members don't know them all that well...
but would they really start singing a different tune?
With what they know, these things that are obvious,
they're still doing this.
They are not made of steel, tia,
they are not iron, tio.
They are not some hardy iron,
that is not where their strength lies.
They are aluminum,
they came out sensitive, easy to mold, easy to bend and melt however you like,
and no matter how they were shaped they still remained aluminum.
"I am aluminum, you can shape me however you like but I will still be aluminum. That is my strength!"

They are a car with extra air bags and darkened windows so that no one can see inside,
so that only a select few ever get permission to know who they are, what they're made of,
the things that have made them this way... the other cars that did this to them.

One of the--two of the worst things you could tell someone with anxiety or some other anxiety disorder are "You can't be scared your entire life" and "you shouldn't be scared your entire life". Relatively speaking, at least, given not everyone with anxiety is the same, but the fact is they can and they may have been.

While anxiety is not know for logic or for being realistic, it does have some basis there.

One of the best things you can tell someone with anxiety due to the like--should this be true, mind--is not either of those, but "You are safe now."

"You are not in that situation anymore,
no one is going to do that again,
no one is going to treat you like that...
and if by some horrible chance someone does,
I will fight them for you--I will defend you--I am here for you.

You're safe, and if anyone compromises that they'll have to put up with me, okay? You're safe now. Repeat this to yourself when you get scared."

So here are some requests, some instructions for whoever cares to read them.

1. Be careful with the advice or help you try to give to those who have anxiety or are sensitive or both. Think it through, you may now know what they have gone through.

2. Listen to them. If the advice you have given them has not been helpful--if they are saying "this is not helping me" do not state that you intended it to be. They know your intent, and they are telling you it didn't follow through; just because you wanted it to be helpful does not mean it was. "But I'm trying to help" but this is not about you--it didn't help so stop saying it. If you really are trying to help them, then listen to them.

3. No matter if they are sensitive or have anxiety or what be the situation, they are them. He, she, they, other, they are them, do not treat them like anyone else.

So just keep this in mind,
because a lot of us are terrified and we know it's a problem, it's our problem, we're the ones living with it!
You can be helpful, and if you are, thank you.
Thank you so much.
You make everything less scary,
less terrifying,
and give more reason to not be scared... make it easier.