There was something uncomfortable about being yourself that no one said aloud. A sticky fear that took time to melt away.
The world for all its good is an ugly place. Built for people who lived in glass houses without many problems. A cliche narrative that made more sense on nights when students foggy brains existed libraries.
But this snippet isn't going anywhere, is it? I grew up surrounded by stereotypes. My story although cliche was filled with love, the relentless kind that a parent held for their child. I was first born and the eyes of society not worth much because the gods above did not grant my family the blessing of a son. Therefore we were cursed, the burden of marrying three daughters drove my parents insane and they did not fail for a moment to remind me of it.
I felt replaceable and alone for most of my life until I moved to the dorms for college. My parents didn't say much, but their actions spoke louder. It always did.
Bottles of atchar lined the tiny bar fridge packed with enough food to feed an army. Almost everyone rang the same warning about food. It tastes bland and gets old fast. The taste of freedom did not get old. I assumed that freedom would taste light; it felt heavier than the ghee paratha's I begged my amma to make on special holidays.
Through the unravelling and unrestrained freedom, I found Lox. A bar where woman congregated and let go for a moment. Some wore lipstick and others more content nursing drinks in dark corners, but most of all it tasted like freedom and I devoured the opportunity. It was a drag that felt right, a moment where I felt most right with myself.
The persona of Raja was everything I ever wanted to be strong, masculine and respected. The whole process took a while to figure out. There was a problem of making my chest flatter, smoking made my voice deeper and the tight formal shoes fixed my gait.
I felt taller becoming Raja than I ever did living as Aditya but I never knew the term for it. Identifying as female felt wrong in all the ways it felt right to my sister. I found it weird that normal people did not feel like this all the time; this was my normal. The small and antagonistic voice that berated me for every step outside the norm.
The critical voice that screamed at me after days of parading as Raja. Then it became time to get married. I had lived a life that I felt content with at that point. I wore a binder to work and was professionally efficient. I wanted a family as Raja but knew it was only possible as Aditya.
So Aditya won again, but only for a moment.
Rosh and I met at a Pride Parade. I remembered him from one of my drag performances. He smiled an understanding smile because we were probably the only two Indians in the bar that night. Our parents had set us up. Not in a romantic way but more like a compatibility test.
They liked each other so it was only logical that we would like each other. Rosh and I sat down on a bench watching people out and proud. Celebrating all the steps forward our community had come and although my heart was with them, I physically could not bring myself to join.
Rosh looked antsy and I let him take the first words.
"I'm gay," Rosh said. His words tumbling out of his mouth and he looked scared.
"Well good thing I'm a man," I answered back without thinking then slapping my hands to my mouth.
I had never told another Indian person, much less a marriage prospect.
That was it really what sold us on each other. A secret that took years to not become one. So life moved on sometimes with us and other times without. Each year we would both become braver at Pride, it started with watching the Parades and ended with helping build floats or working with other Indian children like ourselves who felt lost defining themselves between two worlds of colour, completely opposed to the other.
I found that all it takes is one truth said to one human; maybe that's all we need.
A/N: Technically this story is not a valid entry for #UnlimitedPride because I do not live in the USA. But for everyone who does please enter a story in English using #UnlimitedPride, every story with the #UnlimitedPride tag gets $1 donated to GLSEN. Thanks for reading!
