Oasis skies

Chapter 1

***

I don't like it in this room. It's cold and desolate. The unbearable silence deafens me, whispering through my brain, driving me crazy.

I will never like this room. I will never like any room.

It could be the cosiest, most welcoming room in the entire world, filled with jolly souls and beautiful faces and I would still feel like an empty shell. Devoid of any emotion apart from a deep, heavy depression.

You see, I don't like these rooms because I shouldn't be in them.

I shouldn't be alive.

I'm dangerous. I hurt people. That's why the room is empty, I hurt the last roommate I had; he almost fucking died.

The nurses don't like me. They think I like hurting people. I don't, I promise.

They say I am broken- I don't disagree with that.

I remember my old roommate asking what's wrong with me. I remember losing count. I think I got about as far as schizophrenia before I snapped.

I scratched him so hard it drew blood, I battered him with a chair, causing internal bleeding and several broken bones, I stabbed him with a plastic knife- centimetres away from his oesophagus.

I, an eighteen-year-old boy, could've been convicted for attempted murder.

That definitely wasn't on my bucket list.

***

Depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Those are the main illnesses that I know of.

In case you haven't noticed, I don't like talking about it. At all. It just makes me remember how much of a disappointment I am.

Sometimes, Mandy (the nice nurse) lets me take a bath. She says they're special, just like me. I wish I was special, but I'm just broken and ruined. I also wish the baths were special- like the ones my mum used to give me before I was broken. Before I ruined everything.

*flashback (10 years prior)*

I splashed around happily in the feathery bubbles as my mother poured a bowl full of water over my head. The soap she used was scented, making the whole bathroom smell like a freshly groomed garden. The smell of roses and lavender drifted around, happily welcomed by my nostrils.
"The water's not too hot, is it?" My mum said, always the worrier.

"No." I hummed, content.

She began chattering to me, talking about nothing and everything. We laughed and we talked, wonders and whispers. That's when my mum's gentle whispering morphed into a beautiful melody. Soft, yet so clear. Warm, yet so calm.

The lyrics tumbled from her lips effortlessly, her voice sunny and bright.

Maybe I don't really wanna know
How your garden grows
'Cause I just wanna fly
Lately, did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain as it soaks you to the bone...

*end of flashback*

I never really liked that song that much.

I always preferred the other songs she sang much more.

I know it wasn't her favourite either, but she liked it so I let her sing it anyway.

I sigh and my eyes well up.

It's all your fault.

I should be dead. All those cuts should have done the job. But they didn't.

It seems as though it'll never be enough. I will never be enough. No matter how hard I try, I will never please anyone.

That's why, two days ago, I tried to kill myself.

I couldn't even do that right. Suicide was my only escape and yet I still managed to fuck it all up.

Maybe I should have cut myself more, maybe I should have locked the door behind me.

But I didn't.

There is no going back.

I feel the last slither of hope fizzle out. I am left with nothing. I am stuck here forever.

With that thought in my mind, I curl up into a ball and simply cry. I let my very soul dribble down my face. My emotions burning into my skin.

In the midst of my tears, I begin to sing. So soft- barely a whisper- but the burning sensation in my chest returns to its usual dull ache. I let my tongue fold around every word , savouring every letter.

Maybe I just wanna fly
Wanna live, I don't wanna die
Maybe I just wanna breathe
Maybe I just don't believe
Maybe you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever..

***

Word count: 739
I know it's kinda short, but this felt like a good place to end it ya know ? 🤷🏽‍♀️
Anyway thanks for checking this book out, remember to vote and comment please ❤️