To Tame the Wild: a Red Dead Redemption fan fiction

Chapter 16 - Penance

Chapter Track: "Giddy On Up" – Laura Bell Bundy

The cigarette did nothing to calm his shaking hand or his nerves that night as he sat on the bench outside the log cabin of Manzanita Post. Pain had settled deep in his sternum as his guilt began to gnaw ravenously away at his insides like an insatiable parasite.

His mind had been in a hazy fog of shock ever since he returned to Blackwater and reunited with Maddie. Luckily, her father wasn't there to complicate things further, but even as he rejoined her side before her mother's grave, he couldn't bear to look at her. They had spent what felt like hours before the grave in utter silence, and it nearly killed Jack. He wished to comfort her, but the thought of touching the niece of the man he'd killed made him nauseous. Instead, he stood frozen in time beside her, kept in silence by his shame and overwhelmed with guilt. It was only when dusk began to quickly settle around them did he utter, "Come on, let's get outta here."

However, he had to physically remove her from the cemetery—her silent grief and shock kept her rooted in place, and although it was excruciating, he grabbed her by the arms and walked her to their horses. It was a wonder she was able to mount up on her horse by herself. By unspoken consent, they walked their horses away from Blackwater. The ride to Manzanita Post was utterly silent and painful. When they arrived at the outpost and paid for a night in the cabin, it was still unbearable to be in her presence. The second she had gotten into bed and turned her back to him, he hastened out the door and sat on the bench, where he remained for hours as the night enshrouded the world in darkness.

The cigarette was quickly transformed into a stem of ash. He rolled another cigarette and lit up once more. He took a long, soothing drag, and as he blew out the smoke, he thought, Now what do I do? What do I say? Or should I say anything at all to her? Hell, if I confess what I've done, she'll probably kill me.

The sound of quiet sobbing interrupted his thoughts. He felt a sharp pain erupt his chest: Maddie's sorrow was like a stake to his heart. Goddamn it, she's cryin' again, and it's all because of me. He ran a hand over his face and sighed heavily. He wished nothing more than to go inside and wrap his arms around her, but his guilt kept him rooted in his seat. He took his hat off, ran a gnarled hand across his scalp, and sighed yet again. What do I do?!

She wept bitterly for the next twenty minutes, until at last, she fell silent. All the while, Jack's heart broke piece by piece, inch by inch, and he felt absolutely shattered. The cigarette didn't last him as long as he would've wanted, so he lit up another. At least she's not cryin' anymore... He glanced back at her sleeping figure through the window. I was hopin' she'd fall asleep soon. He checked the sky above him through the tree branches and noticed the position of the moon. He guessed it was around three or four in the morning. Hell, it's about damn time. The poor woman, anyways.

He took another drag from his third cigarette and shook his head. What if I act like nothing happened? Will she see right through me, or is there a chance she'll even be able to find out? It's not like I left a trail of clues after I killed Ross anyway. Hell, it's a wonder they managed to find his body, much less figure out who he was. Still wish they would've never found that evil son of a bitch anyways...He deserved to rot away in the murky depths of that river.

A different thought dawned on him, making him sit up slightly. What if she never finds out? What if I never tell her? As far as I know, no one's really figured out what all happened to Ross... I could just let things fade into the past, and no one would ever know...