Maudlin Entries

I Can't Breathe.

"I can't breathe. There's a noose around my neck, woven from every lie you've ever uttered to me, strands of every moment that you told me those three words that you so piously idolize. The funny thing is that the knot was tied by my own hands. I keep pulling it tighter, tighter, choking out every bit of hope in my body. I'm doing it to myself. I just can't seem to live without your noose around my neck. But I'm starting to realize that perhaps the rope wasn't twisted from you taking your god's name in vain, that blasphemous untruth of "I love you." No, I'm beginning to believe that I'm being strangled by my own veins as they crawl under my flesh, trying desperately to escape this sickly, floundering heart behind my ribs. If only they could. So why do I keep blaming you? You've done nothing to deserve this ire, this loathing. All of my agonies have been brought upon me by my thoughts and actions alone. I'm endlessly weighed down by this sensation of sand filling my lungs like the hourglass of my wasting life. I used to think it was just what comes with having to watch you be better with him. But I now understand that each damnable grain is simply what's become of my blood, dry and unable to give life because I frankly cannot be content with letting it be so. You're happy. So why is that not enough for me? I don't know, I can't comprehend it. All I know is that I'm tired. I'm tired of my hope being like the fate of stars, growing and growing, brighter and brighter until it eventually implodes and devours itself and all around it. I'm tired of this heart, of these dry and creeping veins. I'm tired of this fucking useless throat and these heavy lungs. I'm tired of the asphyxiation. I'm tired of my own selfishness, and I'm exhausted by my own self. I'm tired of fighting to be better. I'm tired of inevitably getting worse. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm so tired."

- Written after 4 glasses of Jameson.