that summer |percabeth au| ✔︎

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT - Speak Up

Candy once told me that a woman's heart was infinite, that there was room for light and dark and everything in between. Now my heart took on a new weight, haunted endlessly by the look in Percy's eyes, the last I'd seen as I'd walked away.

Disappointment.

I knew I'd carry it always, for I was the one who put it there. I let him down, doused the fire in his sea-storm eyes.

I stood in the bathroom at Candy's, naked before the mirror. Over my shoulder, I turned to read Percy's words.

beautiful soul

He'd written it backward, knowing I'd look in the mirror the moment I could. Wanting me to see it straight. To believe it.

For a moment I almost did.

A curtain of steam parted as I stepped into the shower, and slowly, agonizingly, the searing hot water captured the words he'd written on my bare skin, dragged them down my body to my feet. They swirled for only a second before the tide pulled them under, sucked them back out to the sea where all my stories seemed to end.

Wrapped in a towel, barefoot and dripping on the hardwood floor, I froze in the hallway before my bedroom.

The light was on, spilling out through the doorway.

Artemis and Katie were inside.

Katie was wearing it.

The dress.

My dress.

"That dress is amazing," Artemis said. "I can't believe she keeps it locked up in here."

"Imagine it in the parade tomorrow? I could so rock this thing." Katie smoothed her hands over the fabric, her touch delicate. It was all wrong on her; the silky curves sagged against the narrower lines of her hips; her ankles peeked out awkwardly from the bottom.

Maybe if it fit her properly—if I'd walked in and seen her lit up like a runway model, stunning in the gown I could no longer wear—maybe then I would've been able to let it go.

But the dress was custom-made for me. Not just my physical measurements, but everything in me too. My passions, my dreams. All the songs I ever sang, and the dance steps Rachel and I practiced. The dress was cut for the way I moved. The way I breathed.

F*cking breathe, Annabeth...

"I should take it off," Katie said, suddenly deflated. "Before she comes back." She turned to reach for the zipper at the back, saw me standing in the hallway.

"Annabeth!" Katie folded her arms over her chest. "I didn't...sorry. I was just looking for a skirt to borrow...you know, the red one? Because Travis wanted to go out and I don't have anything cute, and I thought maybe—"

"It's my fault," Artemis said gently. "I saw the dress hanging there and told her to try it on. I wanted to see it again. I'm sorry, Annabeth."

I nodded quickly, swiping at invisible tears that still wouldn't fall. How long before I could look at a simple blue dress without my heart seizing up?

"Are you okay?" Artemis asked. "Seriously, I'm really sorry. I didn't think—"

"Stop," Katie snapped. "Stop apologizing right now." She'd slipped off the dress and was already hanging it back in the closet, burying it once again. She hastily tugged on her shorts and T-shirt and crossed the room to face me. I'd never seen her so enraged.

I took a step back.

"Why are you here, Annabeth? What do you want?"

Beneath my bath towel I was naked, and that's exactly how I felt at her words, stripping me down to the bone.

"Sometimes I think you want to be totally alone," she said. "Fine, I try to give you space. Then I think maybe you need a friend, someone to talk to. Or just to hang out with, forget all the bad stuff. I've tried it both ways. Every way. Everything I could think of. Invited you out, tried to get to know you, introduced you to my friends. Sometimes you hang out, but it's like you're on the edge, always pulling away again. So I think, okay, I'm coming on too strong, too fast. I do that. But when you're alone, you're just...you're sitting here stewing. And what I don't get is if you really want to be alone, why come to the Cove at all? Why come to a place where you have people who are practically family—people who care about you and want to help you? Why spend all that time with Percy and James? And don't say it's the boat, because we know you told Percy you aren't sailing. He texted us."

"Hey," Artemis said. "He texted me. That wasn't for us to repeat."

"Someone has to say it," Katie said. "I know I have a big mouth, okay? And sometimes I stick my foot right in it. But not this time. I'm sick of all the tiptoeing. Someone has to speak up around here." She turned her eyes on me again. "Don't just stand here making excuses and pretending everything's okay, when it's so obviously not. You can cry and freak out, you know."

I shrugged, mute and stunted as ever.

"Hey." Katie grabbed my hand, her voice and eyes suddenly tender. "Annabeth, I'm telling you all this because I care. You're like a sister to me."

I shook my head, pulling away from her kindness. No, thanks. I've got plenty.

She shrugged. "I don't."

She'd said it plainly, without drama, without heat. It was utterly honest.

My heart throbbed with guilt.

How many more people could I possibly hurt tonight? How many more could I push away?

I glanced from Katie to Artemis, expecting downcast eyes, pity. Maybe confusion. But this time, both met me head on. They weren't letting me off the hook.

I loved and resented them for it. The part of me that loved them wanted to grab their hands, to tell them how grateful I was for their friendship, even when I didn't return it in any of the obvious ways. I wanted to tell them that along with Candy and Percy and James, they were the first people since the accident who didn't pity me, who didn't have all these expectations for me to move on with my life, make other plans, figure it all out on some arbitrary timetable.

The part that resented them wanted them to know how much it hurt to be with them, how the simplest things like hearing them laugh or sing in the shower shot knives through my heart. How a little thing like watching Artemis whisper a joke into Percy's ear sent me reeling; not because I was jealous of their relationship, but because it was one more thing I'd never, ever be able to do. How walking in here like this, catching Katie in the dress had almost stopped my heart. That the gown once held the promise of my entire future but now was nothing but a cruel memory.

I wanted to tell them that I'd fallen in love with the ocean, and now it was my deepest fear. It haunted me, stalked me, filled my nightmares.

I wanted to tell them that I was terrified I'd always feel that way, the warring emotions of love and resentment, trust and fear. That I was so scared I'd never find peace, never move forward. Never live. Never love. That when I lost my voice, I lost everything else, too. And I didn't know how to get it back. Get me back. Maybe I never would, and I'd be cursed to remain invisible, inferior because that's how I let others see me.

I wanted them to know it all, the good and the bad. They were, after all, my friends. The best ones, though I never could've predicted it.

But when Katie finally looked at me with tears in her eyes, and she whispered again, her head shaking, "What do you want, Annabeth?" I had nothing for her.

"Fine," she said, wiping away her tears. "If you want to be alone with your dress and your old videos and stuff from the past, go ahead. When you're ready for real friends, right here, right now, you let us know."

"Annabeth, I really am sorry," Artemis whispered. She reached for my hand, but changed her mind, pulled away before touching me.

I closed my eyes, let their words settle on my shoulders like a cold rain.

I don't know how much time passed before I spoke, silent as always.

I'm sorry. I'm not ready. I'm just not ready.

The same insufficient words I'd said to Percy at the marina.

I opened my eyes.

Katie and Artemis were gone.