FOR JUST ANOTHER DAY

These Feelings 🙍

This feeling,  I don't know what it is. I mean it's a new feeling. And it's awful. It's not something I want in my life. It's like a Barrier between my happiness and me. This feeling makes me hate everything around me and make me hate myself the most. It takes over me from the time I wake up to a new day. I feel extremely tired and find it tough to get out of bed, even though I just woke up. I don't feel like leaving my bed at all. It feels like a huge task to get out of bed and do the chores that I once loved doing. All day at home or school, I feel extremely insecure about my flaws. Whenever someone laughs I feel like my flaws are displayed. With every breath that I take, my mind and heart says "you are worthless". It's like having two distinct parts of my own self; one is street carefree and confident and the other part of me is extremely insecure about my own self and keeps pointing out negatives in me that I've heard over the years, it stores them all and keeps repeating them, and makes me want to kill myself. For a major part of my life, the second part of mine rarely showed up but now when it's out, it just wants to take my life, it's that bad. It's like two voices in my head, and both of them are completely opposite. For instance, if I ever get dressed up for an event and see my reflection, just before I leave, and one voice says, ' you look wonderful, everyone is going to love you. You should go out more often and enjoy a little bit.' whereas the other voice says, 'you should just change and go back to bed. You look awful and far and I think you would do everyone a favour by not going to the event.' Even though I try but the negative voice is stronger and the words it says are more affective, so it always wins. These feelings and thoughts keep me awake for numerous nights; they fill my brain up; leaving me disgusted of my own self. These thoughts make me want to hurt myself. They make me want to kill myself. They make me feel soo small. They make me feel so invisible. When I hurt myself, these thoughts somehow disappear, and am left with the feeling of pain that I have to myself. However, I would anyday choose pain over those demonic thoughts, so I'd repeat to hurt myself.  I try to talk to people about it, but it's so confusing that I cannot share my feelings to anyone. They either take it wrong and call me an attention seeker, or they don't understand at all. When I once I told someone about how this all felt they said something like "You're too young for all this, you are just a kid, try and live your life,  stop over acting. " And it's really difficult for me to tell them that I don't want to think this way, but yeah I do want to end this life,  even though am a kid. I feel like everyone around me hates me for not coming up to their expectations and I feel like a failure. I don't know how to Dance, neither do I have a good body, nor am I good at sports. And I'm a failure,  a disappointment, this is what my thoughts are all about. Sometimes am just not able to stop myself from thinking about killing myself. It's so hard to stop this all. But am still not brave enough to take my own life. Something inside me stops me from taking my life. But I promise you, if I got into an accident, I wouldn't even fight to survive. Yes, I've thought about my parents, how would they feel if they knew of their daughter's ways, but am not strong enough to control myself.  Though I've learnt how to keep up the mask and not show my tears. Now I've started to hide my sadness, else i'm an 'attention seeker' right?  Now, I'm a really happy girl, trying to spread happiness and trying to stay smiling. But if I were alone, and I didn't try so hard, i was still the broken girl. Through years I've made music and blade my best friend. I just don't feel like trying anymore.