Starting Over

Three

Angst. Trigger warning. Mature. (Explicit content ahead, so if you're uncomfortable, please do not read. Note that these scenes are appropriate for the storyline.)

Original chapter published in Short Stories.

**********

Days passed and Sean didn't have any much luck talking to Kaycee, much less get into ten feet within her radius.

One of his worst fears came true; he learned from Julian and Josh that she had stopped attending classes and teaching for more than a year now. And even though she attended classes just recently, she had only attended quite a few and wasn't as enthusiastic and passionate as she was before.

According to Julian, their recent class with Kyle was the most he had seen Kaycee dance, as she would always exit the floor immediately once she had danced the choreography.

The gaping hole in his heart has now become wider.

Not only Kaycee seemed to have already given up on them, but she had also almost given up the thing they most loved together. And it was his entire fault.

Sean thought he was already done blaming himself a long time ago. Coping with his depression was through non-stop work – taking almost every available classes, teaching in every opportunity, and even in his free time, would intensely work out. While the Japanese value hardwork, his colleagues took notice of this unhealthy habit and sat him down.

He broke down with just one question.

He had never cried that much in his whole life, and it took him a while before he had calmed down, his new friends looking at him apologetically. They then advised him to go on a break to the countryside.

That he did, and had an elderly man for a neighbor. There were times that he would accompany the man looking out for his crops; other times, they would silently play board games. He also learned pottery. Writing poetry with him was something he easily gave up on, as it reminded him too much of Kaycee. But most of the time, they would just sit outside of the older man's house, staring out into the field while drinking tea. And it was during one of those afternoon teas they had talked about his life, and Sean felt his whole being ripped open once again.

The man said that it was obvious in his countenance –that there was no light in his eyes, that there were only a few things that is keeping him going but none that makes him happy, and that he looked like the world was on his shoulders. Sean certainly felt that way, and the next minute he was pouring out himself like a broken dam. The old man had listened to him patiently even with his inarticulate Nihongo — to his story, his sins, his regrets.

The old man just let out a thoughtful sigh, thinking deep.

"You don't need me to tell you're wrong, because you already know that," he started. "What's important is that you regret it, and you know what you want. You still love her, but know that that won't definitely be easy. I just have a question," he had paused. "Have you forgiven yourself?"

Sean remembered feeling his heart twist. He didn't even consider that, thinking that he deserved every pain, guilt and shame that he was feeling. That he doesn't deserve to be forgiven.

The man probably noticed because he had smiled faintly at him. "You have to. There are times when you remember again, and you start to hate yourself all over. All you have to do is forgive yourself, again and again. Then you can take a step forward on what you want to do."