Starting Over

Seven

She wasn't wholly aware on how she got to where she was right now. If it wasn't for the distant scream that echoed inside her mind, she wouldn't have been jolted back into reality, missing possible death by mere seconds.

Kaycee felt like she was having an out-of-body experience the moment she ran away from him; it was as if her body felt heavy with too much pain and too much exhaustion, and all she had wanted was to give up. She didn't realize how long she had been running then, until she got some sense to get a cab to go back to her house.

I have to get away, was her first frantic thought. She wanted to do so immediately, preferably. If there's some way to vanish herself into thin air, she would do it, anything.

I just want to disappear.

She went home only to take her car without a second thought, even though she hadn't driven for over a year after her mother and sister's fateful accident. She was scared then, but now, she couldn't care less.

She didn't care anymore.

She had gone numb the moment she started driving; there was a big, gaping hole where her heart is supposed to be, her blood growing cold, paralyzing every part of her body.

Why?

She asked aloud inside her head. It was a ringing echo in her mind, playing on loop, a preamble to the many questions she wanted to ask.

LA traffic was generous to her, as she traversed with her whole being numb and unfeeling. But as soon as she got out of the suburbs, away from everything, all of the things came crashing onto her like a tidal wave –like she was being thrown back and forth, utterly powerless by the force of the pain, drowning in her overwhelming emotions, completely suffocating her.

She had pushed the accelerator by then, a cry ripping at her throat, her eyes stinging with tears as she sped through the highway. Not caring if she gets stopped by a highway patrol.

Why?

In her fogged mind, she then knew that her plans to hurt Sean Lew blew back right into her face. That letting him in even through the tiniest crack of her door was the biggest fucking mistake she did. That allowing herself to hope again was futile.

She was still not enough.

She felt her chest cave in pain, stomach twisting along with every emotion there is. Her trauma was hitting her in full force, and there was only one thing that ran through her mind. 

There was no more reason for her to live. 

Her family is gone, her best friend left her, and the man she only loved betrayed her - again, and again. 

Tears blurred her gaze on the road, and with one last cry, she sped up, heart racing as she closed her eyes.

Just then a scream to stop echoed right inside her head, and her body automatically obeyed her mind, pushing on the breaks so hard that her whole body jolted along with the car to a stop. She could feel the diaphoresis on her skin, coldness sweeping through her as she realized she was shaking all over, her heart thundering dangerously inside her ribs and that she was gasping for breath.

She couldn't do it.

Kaycee leaned her forehead against the wheel, still panting. And right then, she broke into painful sobs, banging her fist against the wheel repeatedly. She cried and cried until her tears dried out, her throat parched with her anguished sobs.

Shakily, she reached to her phone, ignoring the list of missed calls and text messages and went straight to the number of her only hope. She didn't think twice in pressing on Devon's number, which she got from his old roommate, hoping that this time he would pick up. Hoping that he had forgiven her, because he was the only one she has left.