Open Cage

Fractured

It taunted me, poking out of my backpack directly in my view. As though it were staring at me, willing me to come closer, pick it up and sign it. I looked down at my feet, unwilling to give in. Why did I even bring the sheet with me everywhere I went anyway? I'd been planning on throwing it out after class, but I could never bring myself to do it, as though a thousand hands were pushing me away -- a thousand voices telling me "no".

And so it remained. Mocking me, reminding me of everything I couldn't, wouldn't, ever be able to do. Was that what Natalie wanted? Did she wish to torment me further with this knowing that I was useless? That I always was and always would be? I guess the only person I could blame was myself. For letting her see me when I didn't know she was there. For letting her hear me when I thought no one was around.

For just being worthless in the first place.

I sighed, a shaky breath, and turned around, finished cleaning the music stand. I jumped back in shock, my body racked with shudders. It was her, just standing there with her lips pursed and her eyes unfocused on me. She looked uncomfortable, uncertain. Why wouldn't she be?

"Sorry," she apologised, her voice quiet and delicate, like a butterfly beating its wings softly. I had never associated her with "delicate" before. Devils were hardly angelic.

"Did you forget your book again?" I asked her, purposefully ignoring her amends for startling me.

"No."

She said it simply and I stared at her, willing her to say more, but she just smiled slightly, something that I have known her to do whenever Leven made a joke about someone else, always a nasty remark. I recognized it because I remembered the things she'd said about me. This smile was different though; this one was real, genuine. I was only just realizing that what I once interpreted as a cruel grin was really artificial, forced.

She kept looking at me, compelling me to ask, "Then why are you here? What else could you want?" But I didn't say any such thing, instead pretending to continue with my work, as though her presence in the room meant nothing to me. But that would be a lie. I was tense, and my muscles were taut. I felt cold, as though the window had blown in a fresh coating of frost all along the walls. Whenever she was near, tremors ran up my spine and I couldn't focus on anything else. All I recognized was her, my surroundings an indiscernible blur, buzzing past me too fast to perceive. My brain was spinning in a circle; questions, confusion, and depression bounced around in my skull. It was impossible to focus with hatred and insecurity seething out of my every pore.

More than anything, her existence reminded me of all I was.

Finally, after waiting for an eternity, Natalie gave up, having seemingly discovered I wasn't about to ask her anything any time soon. "I'm here to convince you."

At that, I looked up, the walls around me beginning to come clear. And then I asked the question I really wanted an answer to. "Why?"

It was like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room, all of the light, and everything that I'd ever known. Hesitation. More hesitation. And so the suspense continued, leaving me breathless, hungry for an answer for once. That was all I ever wanted: a straight answer. It was everything I never got. Just once. Just this once I wanted something in return for all the shit I had to deal with. Was that so much to ask? The heat that spread through me was like a volcano erupting, burning my insides. There were so many emotions built up inside me, they were bound to come out eventually.

I wasn't willing to wait any longer.

"Because you're talented, and you don't even realize it. You never get out there and enjoy your life. You don't take risks. If you keep moping around nothing is ever going to change and I think you know that." Her voice was far from gentle now. "Do you think that anyone is ever going to act differently towards you if you give them no reason to? Is that what you think? The world doesn't work that way, Brooke. No one is ever going to change unless you give them a chance."