Ripe: Trials of Love Contest Entries [1st place CreepyPasta]

The Algorithm (Wattys Shorts 2020)

"I'm NOT trying another stupid dating app," said Tanya with a scowl on her face.

She glanced at Annette and Simon sitting on the sofa across from her, hip to hip, holding hands. They looked so damn cute and happy wearing matching sweatsuits. They glistened with light perspiration after a freakishly early Saturday morning power walk.

Ok fine, half past noon wasn't that early.

Avoiding eye contact, she stared at the blank wall beside her, pulled her frayed bathrobe around her Wonder Woman pajamas and blew a strand of hair out of her face. The sting of being stood up on multiple Tinder dates still hurt.

"But this one is 100% guaranteed," pleaded Annette. "Simon and I had given up on online dating too, but when we met on Surepic, it was love at first sight." Simon nodded silently wearing the same goofy grin on his face as Annette.

Tanya wanted to barf.

She did in fact vomit nine hours later in the bathroom of the Capitol Club after four appletinis. I'm getting too old for this shit, she thought to herself. The men here were too young for her. The darkened mirror in the ladies room gave everyone the impression of a fake winter tan. She wasn't drunk enough however to be fooled into forgetting her naturally pale and pasty complexion. Leaning forward, she peered closely at the dark circles under her eyes. Sexy, she thought and turned to look at herself from behind. Ugh. Backfat oozed around the straps of her green dress. Snatching her phone out of her purse, she ordered an Uber and left.

Sunday morning, she resolved not to leave the living room sofa. Feeling low, she ignored Annette's text inviting her to dinner with Simon. Facebook gave her a few cute cat videos to distract her, some political rants she didn't have the stomach for, and too many pictures of everyone else's happy ducky lives.

And then, there it was, because Facebook knows what you want more than you do: Surepic. 100% match success, 100% guaranteed.

I'll prove them wrong, she told herself, adjusting her reading glasses. She gave a broken fingernail a scowl before using it to click the link. It took her to a banal-looking dating site complete with the requisite pictures of romantic couples walking on the beach. Gag me with a spoon. She downloaded the app, answered the questions with brutal honesty, posted a hungover selfie, and entered her Paypal password.