Nothing changes

Nightmare memories

I heard shouting from down stairs, I made my way down and saw my mother, on her knees begging. I saw my dad holding a gun, pointing it at my mother. 

I was frozen to the ground my mom was shouting but I couldn't hear anything. The room was dark, and my mom looked angry, my dad was shaking. I wanted to scream but I couldn't, I couldn't move, it was like I couldn't control my body, it all happened so slowly my dad pressed the trigger and shot my mom in the head. She stopped screaming and I starred at her lifeless body on the floor.

I hadn't realized that tears where streaming down my face, my dad sank to the ground shaking.

It was like my body unfroze, I was hit with a throbbing headache and I ran over to my mother crying. "Please comeback, please comeback, please..." I kept on repeating.

"Sweetie..." My father said his voice was week and his brown hair was falling on his face, he tried to reach for me, but I quickly pulled back.

"STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU MONSTER!" I screamed

I wake up from the same nightmare I've had for years, well technically it isn't a nightmare. I wipe my tears and get ready for Another useless day, with useless trivial pursuits of happiness. 'To better the world' in the end they won't be happy, they will need more and start another project for the search of happiness. what they really want is validation and expectance. It's useless and time consuming, and in the end, you won't feel any satisfaction, short lived happiness for endless amount of suffering. That is humanity at its core. 

I drag my body across the floor and to the fridge where I grab something to eat, it's just an apple, but as soon as I take the first bite I rush out to the toilet and throw up. 

I clean myself up and put on some light makeup, and then add some extra layers 'just to be sure.' But I'm not that different, no, everybody does this, in our material world 'natural beauty' is just a game. A game to see who can make the makeup look real, who can make it look natural when there's nothing natural about it, it's ruining, not only our faces, but our souls. hiding behind the makeup makes it easier to feel good. about your face, body, and mind. Knowing you aren't the only crazy one hiding, makes us feel better about ourselves.

 My heads killing me, so I call into work sick. They won't miss me anyway, they do better without me. Just like everyone else in my life, or like everyone else who used to be in my life. I feel sick, inside and out, mentally and physically. Everyone hates me, and they should I'm a worthless piece of trash. They knew that