Guardian Angel #1

Chapter Two: A far different type of pain (draft two)

Word count: 4179
"Good people sometimes make bad decisions. They mess up, and they let others down. But that doesn't make them bad people. We all make mistakes." -simplereminders.com

(Ten minutes later)
As I get closer and closer to home, I walk faster and faster. I start running towards the white stairs that lead me to my house, but I don't go up those stairs ... actually I slow down this time, when I see Mum sitting there with her soft, but old wrinkled hands wrapped around her blue dress that covers her knees. Her long dyed brown hair that covers the gray, it attaches to her face that is drenched by the tears that slowly drip down her cheek to her blue dress onto the white staircase.
"Mum? Are you ... Are you okay?" I say with a bit of hesitation in my voice.
Mum gets up quickly, wipes her tears, looks at me then whispers
"Where were you? I was worried sick ..."
I take a deep breath and close my eyes.
"I am so sorry! After school, my new friend Max and I talked a little and he accidentally spilled my things, and then we had to collect my things then we hugged for a while and I didn't want to let go, and by the time I left the school twenty minutes had passed, and when I did finally leave these guys - "
Mum stopped me there and held me tight, so hard that I couldn't breathe but I needed that hug honestly... It made me feel special and loved, as if I mattered.
"I love you so much, so much, Anastatisa Marie Brown." Mum wipes herself again and smiles, it's not a real smile though it's more of a broken, hurt smile.
"What was that for?" I chuckle awkwardly.
Mum's face turns white and she falls on the stairs and starts to cry uncontrollably, the sound of her crying makes me die a little every time, I hate to see or hear mum in pain or really anyone in pain.
"I have to tell you ..." Her sweet but weak voice breaks as another tear rolls down her red face.
"Tell me what Mum? What is wrong? You can talk to me, I promise! "
"Your father ... Your father ... died this morning."
My heart picks up speed, I suddenly feel hot and sweaty, I feel dizzy like I am going to pass out... It's hard to breathe, my chest feels tight. I drop down with my Mum onto the staircase and bring my hands to my face.
"No, No, No this can't be happening! He promised he'd take me to that new restaurant... He promised he'd go for ice cream and go bowling with me for my birthday this year! Why did it have to be him? why couldn't it be me?"
I slam my hand on the wood over and over again my hand becomes red and numb... I then dig my nails into my thumbs so hard that they start to bleed, I watch as the blood slowly runs down my fist.
"THIS ISN'T FAIR, HE WAS THE ONLY MALE THAT I HAD LEFT IN THIS FAMILY AND NOW HE IS GONE, JUST LIKE CECE, JUST LIKE JOSH, GOD HE WAS ONLY 2 WHEN HE DIED MY LITTLE SWEET INNOCENT BABY BROTHER! AND CECE I DIDN'T EVEN GET A FREAKING CHANCE TO MEET HER... WHAT THE HELL IS NEXT? I DIE? GOD DAMN I HOPE I DIE." I scream as loud as I can with my voice breaking more and more. I stand up, I need to go... I find myself repeating the same thing to myself over and over again.
"I need to go, I need to go, I need to go, I need to go."
I look at Mum, and you can tell that she is broken... she feels the same pain, the same numbness that sits in her stomach as me.
My baby brother Josh was very sick and no one could figure out why, but when we did officially figure out that the sickness he had which was cancer, it was already too late, he had died in the doctor's arms at the age of two.
My sister Cece on the other hand, no one got to meet her because she died at birth.
And now my father, who cared for me and loved me and treated me like I was the greatest thing in the world has now left me... he left me...
I looked away from Mum as my face got soaked with the waterfall of tears. I couldn't handle it any longer so I took off running.
The coldness of the wind smacks me in the face as I run, and the tears that were water turn into ice as they go flying off my face. But I keep running. Mum screams my name but the farther I go the less I hear it, now it's only an echo.
"I need to go faster, I need to go faster, He isn't gone... this is just a dream! He's not gone, he is still here!"
My feet slam into the pavement. The world around me flies past, and spins. I stop when my legs ache too much in pain, and my chest feels tight, and I'm breathless.
I look around and I realize I don't know where I am, But what I do see are about 4 buildings : a bar that's about 3 years old maybe, there is a Spencer's, Wendy's, and a pit stop. I decide to go ahead and go into Spencer's
"You gotta be fucking kidding me." I mumble to myself, as I see the guy with the beanie that I beat up earlier, sleeping, in the tall leaned back chair, in the way back of the store. I quietly tiptoe around which isn't anything new, you see when I was four, I was diagnosed with SPD ( Sensory Processing Disorder. )
As I tiptoe around I see a purple stripper catsuit, it's like a dress except a very short, tight, dress that is see through on the sides. I look at the white tag
"Uh hell yes." I say.
It's only $7.56, I was expecting it to be way more than that so like of course I'm going to get it, good thing that I have my lunch money on me. Out of the corner of my eye I see a black wavy wig, I walk over to it and it says $19.45, I have $50 on me plus my lunch money which is $15 so altogether I have $65, but I don't think it would hurt if I stole this wig, I mean this guy is a total pervert, and it's his fault that he fell asleep on the job, so I could just steal anything I want and be gone... I look some more and see black heels, so j grab those and some sexy nylons.
I then glance to the right and there is a dressing room, I quickly and quietly make my way into it, I almost gag at how strong the smell of weed is in here, but I stay strong and take off my bloody dark blue school skirt and white buttoned up shirt that is also drenched in blood. God if anyone were to see me, it would look like I freaking murdered someone.
I glance at myself in the gross mirror that is covered in marker, and who knows what else. I look at me, and the stretch marks on my thighs, with my fat between my armpit and arm, I see my fat all over my body, and the bags under my eyes from crying all God-damn day, ugh fuck, he really is gone, he isn't going to ever be here for me again, he isnt going to see me walk down the aisle if I even have a wedding, he wont be able to see me in the olive green prom dress he got me - he was so excited to see me in it. No, I can't think of this crap right now... I need someone, something to distract me, I don't care what it is at this point I just need to escape reality for a few.. my mind immediately flips my thoughts to the bar outside... I slip the sexy purple dress on, and I throw on the nylons and heels, and then I put the wig cap over my head and then onto my head where my hairline is and put the wavy black wig on top, I stare at myself one last time, took a deep breath and walked out of both the dressing room and store without even paying 'cause you know I'm a bad bitch like that, once I'm outside I laugh to myself about what I just did and said. I Am a good girl who has always gotten good grades, who has always been the teacher's pet, and the nice innocent girl, that just stole like 5 things out of the store, plus I am wearing something mum and Dad would never, ever approve of, and I'm going to a bar which is illegal by the way, because I'm underage, good thing I have a fake I.D, I have different hair and everything but I'm sure I'll be able to pull it off.
I walk toward the entrance of the bar and it is crowded as Hell over there, A huge line that's probably at least an hour or more wait. I look to the side and there is a little space in between the guards that I could very easily sneak into, it's almost too easy to do so. The music is so loud that I can hear it clear as day out here, and I can also feel the vibration of the beat.
I look around me and slowly start to cut people until I get to the front of the line, there are I want to say 6-7 people in front of me, perfect, with me only being 4'11 and them being a lot taller than that plus there being 6-7 of them that is going to work out just fine. I watch behind me, beside me, and in front of me, as I sneak into that little space, thank god that I can fit through just fine.
I get in. It's like a log cabin, the drinks are at the front of the bar where the stools are, so that's where I head to.
"What can I get for you, beautiful?"
Max... no fucking way... It's Max, it's like everytime I see him he gets cuter and cuter.
"Max?!" I gasp!
"Um... I'm sorry, do I know you?"
Shit I just blew my cover, how much stupider can I get?
"Shh It's me, Anastasia. And how do you work here you're only... what 18?"
"You've got your secrets, I've got mine." Max whispers and winks at me, chills run down my spine.
"So what are you here for?"
"Well um," I rub my shoulder blade, " I just figured out my dad passed away and he was the only, the only one I had left besides mum..."
Max's hand rests on mine and I look up at him and smile, but he doesn't smile back... he only looks me in the eyes
"There is no need to fake a smile for me, love," He turns back to the counter behind him and hands me a shot of vodka. "I will always, always be here for you, Anastasia."
The way he says my name leaves me speechless is this really how it feels to be in love?
My heart starts to beat faster and the butterflies flutter faster in my stomach.
"Thank you, Max. That means a lot." I whisper as I grab the glass container and chug down the alcohol, it burns down my throat, and the burning repeats itself about 4 more times, and I start to become dizzy and light headed,
Everything around me is slow. I try to stop myself but I can't. I feel this knot in my lungs,and I can't seem to get rid of it.
"You alright Anastasia?" I hear a sweet voice say. It's Max.
The voices in my head laugh...* Am I alright? That's a stupid ass question. Of course you're not alright. * I try and shake away the little evil voice, but it just continues. *You're just done. You should just go kill yourself, no one even cares about you. You are so stupid. He is just trying to be nice. He doesn't actually care if you're alright or not.*
"Uhh, Anastasia?"
The evil voice goes away... but I can't help still feeling how hard those words hit me...
I look to my left then my right and I'm in his arms, and Honestly, there is no place I would rather be right now.
"Sorry, Yes I'm fine." I lie. I'm not even close to being fine.
"Damn girl, you look so sexy like what the hell are you trying to get me to kiss you or something?" I look to my side and it's Luis or at let's I think it is, he has red hair and his deep voice is familiar...
"Maybe." I grin. Max's arms release me, making me immediately cold.
I smile at Max and then it hits me. I can't even remember the last time I actually smiled. I'm so used to faking a smile but not like this. I am hurting inside, I am aching. I thought that this day was going to be filled with excitement and be just amazing all together... I thought my life was finally going to be perfect again...
"Hey,Max! hit Anastasia and I with a couple margaritas." Luis says, I try to say no but I'm too weak to do so.
"Come on, Max, you too. You've been working your ass off too much lately, it's time to take a little break" luis says calmly.
I drank that and the second one and the third one... I can't remember which one I'm on anymore, I kinda lost track... I know I've had like 9 shots plus the 3 Margaritas in the last hour...
Max starts talking to me but I can't hear him... or anything, everything is blurry: the people, the drinks, the chairs, the tables, the signs, the t.v... I can't focus, The music gets drowned out, it isn't that loud anymore... What happened to the music? I like music.
I see Max and Luis walk away headed for a door.... I want to leave. I need to see Mama, I. need. to. See. Mama. I can't think straight... I get up but fall, I think I've fallen about seventy different times today. I start to laugh. I don't know why, but I do and I can't stop. It hurts. I need to leave before something bad happens. I got back up, wasn't I here with someone? Who am I here with? Where even am I? Why is it so busy? I fell and tripped, hurting my ankle. but I get back up and I follow them to the door, the lights make me unsighted. I walk in there and I hear voices but I can't seem to process them, I walk in the same door as them look closely and Luis has Max up against the wall, as they makeout. And I cough trying to get their attention, Max looks at me embarrassed, but Luis comes closer to me and grabs my hand, and then boom I can't see shit. All I can feel is a hand taking off my dress and then it running in between my breast, down to my stomach and lower, soft, dry lips get pressed on mine. I let out a little moan. I feel hands squeezing my boobs, I can't help but squirm around. Why can't I see anything? Why can't I stop? The persons and my lips meet more intently, and our tongues mix together as we move in closer and closer. My wig falls off and his hands run through my hair. Max hops on the table and Lucifer hops on top of him and starts going up and down on Max's face. I pulled Max's pants lower and that's when everything went black for a few.
When I wake up Luis is kissing me and Max is on top of me, I quickly push them off
"What the fuck just happend? And why the hell am I here and why are you guys on me?!
GET OFF NOW!! DID YOU GUYS AT LEAST USE A CONDOM?!" I scream but they don't answer me,
Shit, I am screwed if I get pregnant.
I wipe myself off, I slip my dress back on and walk out the door.
I look around and still everything is still blurry. What was I doing again? Why am I here? I cover my ears as people yell and scream over the music that is now blasting. I have a raging headache.
I look across the bar and see a door, I stumble and trip still not being able to keep my balance. I sit there for a few and my throat starts to burn, and my face gets all sweaty. I feel like I'm dying. Am I dying? I start to throw up, I can't hold it in and it goes everywhere. I sit there for a few minutes as people back away from me and look away as some other people get down and hold my hair back and help me. It's like the world is spinning around me. Or am I spinning around the world? I can't see anything, it's all like a ginatic blob. I hear people say my name but I don't look, I can't look.
I start to throw up more. Chunks of mucus, alcohol and water rush out of my mouth like a volcano exploding...Hot tears roll down my cheeks as I sit there in embarrassment while everyone in the bar stares at me.
After a few minutes a couple of girls come up to me and ask me if I am alright, I find the strength to smile so they go away and it worked... It's funny how easy it is to fool someone and make them think you are perfectly okay when really you're not fine at all. I don't think anyone truly understands how exhausting it is to act like you are okay and to act strong all day long non-stop, when really you are at a breaking point constantly.
I somehow manage to get up and walk out the door but is it bad that I can't remember that? And it must've happened a few minutes ago because right at this moment the sunlight makes my migraine worse. I don't even know where I'm going. I like the sun... It shines so brightly no matter what... It must be so lonely...I'm lonely.
"Son of a bitch!" I scream out loud when I slam my nose into the bark of a tree. I look around and I am surrounded by tall, short, small, huge, wide, thin, and thick trees, and plants.
"there's a tree there, Anastasia." The voice seems familiar... It's a deep voice, I get goosebumps. Am I cold? Or am I hot? Is it even possible to be both?
"Who is there?" I try to shout out but my voice cracks everywhere.
A figure starts coming towards me but I can't run, I lean against a tree, it scratches my back which creates pain but I'm already hurting, so why not add more pain to it?
A pair of brown boots sit in front of me. I look up and It's Luis... I try to say his name but I can't.
"I knew that you were hot but I mean like Damn you are so sexy right now." Luis whispers.
His soft but cold hands brush along my face, he pulls me in closer... wasn't he just in the bar? Everything begins to black out as he slowly strips down my dress and starts to kiss my neck...
My mind is going crazy as I keep fading in and out at random times... But I can't be complaining can I? I mean I did this to myself, this is all my fault.
Luis' and my body intertwined as we made out, again I could not control myself...
As he gets on top of me my whole body gets crushed and aches even more. I try and push him off but he's too strong I can't...
All I see is darkness right now, Am I dying? I've probably asked this about nineteen times... But if I am that's great I don't want to be suffering in this pain any longer it's too much... All the weight on my shoulders has become too heavy.
I wake up and it's dark out, no one is around.
The last thing I remember is going into the woods and that's it. Why can't I remember anything before that?! And why do I feel like shit?! What all happened?!
I get up, but my legs wobble. I put my hand on a tree that sits beside me as I try to stabilize myself... I start walking onto the road as soon as I get just a tiny bit stable, I stop and look at my phone, and I have 78 missed calls from Mum and 90 texts from her, I have 10 missed calls from Max and 21 texts from him, and 45 missed calls from Luna.
"Ugh." I sigh.
A huge noise that sounds like the horn of a truck comes out of nowhere scaring the shit out of me. I try and run but I can't, my body won't move. Why the hell can't I move?!
I finally fall to the ground and close my eyes waiting for the truck to just kill me already, I'm ready to leave this ugly fucking world. I'm more than ready actually.
I suddenly feel this gust of wind, my ears pop. I open my eyes and they immediately dry, I can't see anything it's pitch dark outside, I look down to the ground and I'm about 20 feet high I get sick, I hate high heights, I look up and its Max... and behind him are gigantic, beautiful, wings that seem to be white but I'm not sure.
"MAX?! WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD ARE WE UP IN THE AIR?! AND WHY DO YOU HAVE WINGS?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!!"
"I'll explain soon I promise, but you just have to trust me,And stop fighting me please!" Max says calmly like this is a daily freaking thing that happens to him. I don't stop fighting him, I don't want to be in his arms right now, how am I supposed to trust him?!
His arms release me and there I go falling through the thick air that makes it hard to breathe, my body just lays there not moving and my mind goes blank and I close my eyes knowing that this is how I die, that this is my death, the end of my book, how did everything go so down hill so freaking quickly? it isn't fair. My thoughts come to a stop. Darkness. That's all I see, is darkness.
My eyes flutter, as sirens scream loudly and lights flash everywhere. I open my eyes a little more and try to move but I can't my whole body aches, it hurts in terrible pain. I hear a voice scream just enough over the overwhelming scene.
"ANASTASIA!! DON'T DIE!! STAY WITH US! PLEASE!"
The voice keeps repeating.
"Dad? Daddy is that you?"
I look closely and a hand reaches out to me and my dad is there with me... how can that be?! His hazel eyes meet with mine and his bright big smile turns into a frown and tears stroll his cheeks
"I'm so sorry my little Angel I never wanted to leave you or your mum. I love you so much, but you have to hang on please, for your mum, hang on for her, she can't lose you too. I know it's hard but you can do it, you're my strong little girl don't forget that.
"Daddy, please don't leave, please don't please stay! Stay! I dont... I can't lose you, I need you! What about my green dress, and all of our plans to go bowling together and... and-"
"Sweetie, I love you, I am so sorry but my time is up, I will always be with you and watching over you! You can make it through I believe in you!"
His hand slowly leaves mine and so does he, it's like losing him all over again, I want to cry as I sit here in literal pain, what is this emptiness? I need to cry but I can't. Why can't I keep my eyes open? Where is Mum, Max, or Luis, or anyone?! Darkness once again overcomes me.