It got worst and I don't know how. My mom is getting cosmetic surgery to like lift her tits and remover some of her fat. Guess what that makes me look like? Even more fat. Even more ugly. This morning my mom made me eat breakfast and my only option was a poptart(we had to leave in a hurry). Tears were forming in my eyes as I slowly ate it, I'm fat, I shouldn't be eating. I should be starving myself, hell I deserve it. I can't sleep, I refuse to eat, and every time I look in the mirror I wanna cry seeing how horrible I look. My best friend has been contemplating suicide, and I try to be there and be supportive, but I can't. I can't because she's over here telling people her problems and shit, and I'm here bottling everything up and I'm afraid I'll explode.
I have scratched myself before. Not bad enough to make myself bleed. Just enough to irritate the skin and leave a mark for a week or three. Then I found a razor. And I tried it on my finger. It bled for a few minutes but I managed it. Then a few days after a completely failed during volleyball tryouts I did the same thing to an area near my hip. Then it was a spot above my knee. Than again on my hip. Then another on my hip. Then another finger. And I bleed. I make myself bleed. The friend I was talking about scratched herself, but only enough to make the area red. Hers was nothing compared to mine.
I can't say I have body dysmorphia because I need a diagnosis for that. I don't have anorexia. Anorexic people aren't fat like I am. Most people who have anorexia are skinny anyways. I'm not skinny. I don't have anorexia. I'm just broken. Broken and can't be fixed. I can't live like this anymore. I can't stay being this ugly and fat and disgusting. I can't live like that. I refuse to live like that. Therefore I refuse to eat. No food. Nothing. Water. Just water.
