No Turning Back

I grab a bottle of water at the cafeteria and make my way out. It's been a long day, even though I haven't actually done much besides taking care of Leo for a while and then bringing Teddy to the hospital. I consider making my way to the pit to see if I can make myself useful since my patients are all taken care of for the moment, but I change my mind and turn towards the stairwell instead. I need a few minutes of quiet before I can go back.
As I walk down the steps I spot a familiar figure sitting on the stairs below me. Owen. His broad shoulders are hunched over as if he is in pain. I want to ask him if he's okay but I turn away, not wanting to intrude on his moment of peace. I guess he and I had the same idea.
Just then I hear it. It is soft, barely audible, but unmistakable. A sob. I turn back, unsure what to do. I should walk away but I don't. Maybe because it's Owen. Only because it's Owen. I see his shoulders start to shake and my heart suddenly goes cold with fear. "Owen!" I gasp, not caring about anything but getting to him as I run down towards him. He turns to look at me, his tear-stained face revealing his surprise. He looks tired and broken. I have seen Owen cry before but never like this. He looks... defeated.
"Owen, what is it?" I ask, touching his cheek out of instinct. "Is it Allison? Is something wrong? Is it Teddy?"
When I saw him last, he was with his family and now... It's the only thing I can think of.
"No, they're fine" he is quick to reassure me, "They're both sleeping."
"Thank god. Then what is it, O? What's wrong?"
"I messed up" he cries, the tears still falling from his eyes, "I messed up so bad I don't know what to do."
I feel my heart break when I hear the broken note in his voice. I sit beside him on the step. "Talk to me. Tell me what happened." I reach out to wipe the tears away from his cheek. "We'll figure it out."
"I told Teddy she was the love of my life."
I drop my hand in shock. I don't know what I had expected him to say but this was definitely not it.
He goes on, "I told her I've only ever loved her and that I never told her that before because I was afraid to be happy... but that it's always been her since I met her."
"Oh" I say, not sure what else a suitable response might be. I wait for him to go on but he doesn't, looking up at me expectantly instead.
"That's... uh... that's nice" I volunteer, even though it is anything but. I hate myself for the tremor in my voice. Sure, I'm  still a little hung up on Owen but it shouldn't hurt this much, right?
"It's not nice, Amelia! I messed up!" he says.
"You don't love her?" I ask, annoyed with myself for the hope rising in my chest.
"I... yes, I love her, she's my best friend. She's Allison's mother... but I'm not in love with her."
"But you told her—"
"I know what I told her. I'm saying I made a mistake. I was overwhelmed. My daughter was being born, Teddy was in pain.. she  was screaming and she asked me to distract her."
"Owen that wasn't a distraction. It was a declaration."
"I didn't think, Amelia..." His voice breaks.
"Owen..."
He grabs my hands in his and looks up at me. "Amelia, what have I done?" His eyes search mine for answers I don't have. He wants me to say something. I know I don't have to and yet I know I do. And so, I say the only thing I can think of. "You didn't mean to."
He listens, his eyes never leaving mine, as if he is waiting for more. A confirmation, an assurance... forgiveness? He made a mistake. A stupid one, that is going to cost  a lot of people their happiness. But I know Owen. I know he is telling the truth. I know he wants to do right by everyone though he messes up often. He is going to therapy. He is doing the best he can. I know that despite all his flaws and mistakes, he is a good man. I pull him closer to me and instinctively he puts his arms around me, pulling me into a hug. I breathe in, my muscles relaxing automatically. I fit so well into him. We fit so well together. I wish we could stay this way, right here in this stairwell forever.
He kisses my forehead and then his head dips towards my neck. I close my eyes, savouring the feeling I have been starved of for so long. But when his hands move to undo the buttons of my shirt I gently take his hands and push them away. "Owen, no. We can't" I whisper, extricating myself from his arms. My body screams in protest but I know it is the right thing to do. He looks at me like he is about to say something but then he just nods sadly.
"I have to go and tell Teddy" he says, moving to get up but I place my hand on his arm and he sits back down.
"You can't" I counter, "She's... You've... You can't Owen."
"I can't live with this lie. I messed up but I have to go fix it."
"No! Owen think about Allison!"
At the mention of his newborn daughter his eyes fill with tears again. "My daughter can't start her life with a lie."
"Your daughter is starting her life with a family."
His delicious blue eyes meet mine and the sadness in them makes my heart ache. I lift my hands to his face. "You're such a good man, Owen Hunt" I say, as my mind drifts back to a similar moment in the stairwell a few months ago. I was letting him go then too but that day he came back. That day there was a choice. Today there is none.
"You're a good man, Owen Hunt and you deserve a beautiful family."
"I already had a beautiful family."
At his words I begin to cry. I cannot think about that now, what we shared, the home I lost. One by one I lost everyone. I push the thought from my mind and focus on Owen once again.
"This stays between you and me, okay?" I tell him. "You're going to wipe your tears and forget this conversation ever happened. You're going to do the right thing."
"I can't take it back?" he implores and I shake my head sadly. "You can't take it back."
He nods, resignedly, the warmth in his eyes suddenly replaced by an icy determination. "Then there's only one thing I can do."
My eyes snap up to his face. "What?" I question, my voice a mix of hope and confusion.
He stands and I stand up with him. His gaze softens but there is something in it I can't quite read. He brushes his thumb lightly across my cheek and lets his hand linger for a moment. "I love you, Amelia Shepherd. I love you."
He turns away before I can react and then makes his way down the stairs. I stand there for a moment, once again unsure what to do. In the next moment I hear a loud crash followed by screams of "Dr. Hunt!" and "I need some help in here!"
I rush down the stairs to find Helm and another intern whose name I can't remember, rushing around at the bottom of the stairs. I look down to see Owen, his body lying in a twisted heap on the floor.  There is blood, so much blood flowing from a gash on his head and all I can do is stare down in horror.
"Dr. Shepherd!" Helm cries, the relief evident on her face but I am not able to move.
"What happened?" I ask, unwilling to take my eyes off Owen as a bunch of people help him onto a gurney.
"He was coming down the stairs. We think he may have slipped and rolled down the rest."
"Is... Is he...?"
"I feel a pulse!" I hear someone call out and the words bring a burst of air into my lungs. I continue to watch, still frozen in shock at the scene unfolding before me.
We think he may have slipped.
I sink down onto the steps, not sure I can hold myself up any longer. What did you do, Owen? I think to myself. I cannot move. I cannot speak. I can only watch as his voice still reverberates in my head. I can only hear the words he said to me just before he told me he loves me.
There's only one thing I can do.
.........................................

If you did read this, thank you. 💜