Fuck off losers

Her pt.2

Paperrater  is a website I use to help my write my essays for college. It corrects grammar, tells you average sentence length, and all sorts of cool somewhat unnecessary shit about your writing.

It was her birthday today and no one let me forget that. I've cut her out of my life and I hate it whenever people close to me talk about her. Only 2 other people know what really happened and why I'm embarrassed to talk about it. The first person is my sister and she knows that I haven't told her everything but whenever I try to it seems like she's not that interested in what I'm feeling. The second person is another one of the girls I cut out of my life. I didn't want to be her friend anymore because she had changed too much as a person and I feel guilty for not being there for her as she's finding her way but why should I put effort into a relationship if the effort isn't reciprocated. I won't feel guilty for choosing my own happiness over someone who doesn't even know who they are.

I fell in love with the girl. That's my secret. I fell in love with her and she didn't feel the same way. I pushed her away even though she was the closest thing to being my first best friend and I cry everyday because I miss her like crazy. I tried to cut her out but she keeps coming back in the small insignificant ways. Whether she's on someone's social media or I overhear someone talking about her. I miss her so much and it's been a couple of months but I still haven't recovered. Im jealous of my sisters relationship with her, I'm jealous of all my friends becoming friends with her, and I'm jealous that I can't be around her because it's my fault that I screwed up things with her.

Although, she's not a saint. There were times we would get into fights because she would complain about her problems but when I offered solutions I "can't fix everything" and I "don't understand" and I "need to stop being so condescending." Never once did she explain anything to me. I was just trying to help and she knows about my insecurity with that. We were friends after all. I didn't want that much from her but I needed her to realize that even though we talked online, I wanted to spend time with her and hang out like friends are supposed to do. I always saw online through my friends that she would go out with them and I wanted that too. Is that so wrong? But she would always be busy, or her parents were strict, or she doesn't have any money for that. It's like she didn't care and it hurt. It hurt a lot.

I wish I could apologize to her, maybe after I did that then I can move on and stop feeling guilty about how I handled the situation. If she ever miraculously sees this, I truly am sorry for the things I've said to you. I regret it with all my heart.