More Than Just A Scraped Knee (A Grey's Anatomy Fanfic)

I Miss Him

    Over the last few months, I've gotten better. Not perfectly and I probably never will but that's traumatic experiences for you. 

"How are you feeling today Amity?" Dr. Helitt looks over at me kindly.

"I-I am doing well" I remind myself to take a deep breath. 'You're doing your best'.

"Your stutter is getting better, it's only been a week since I last saw you and at this rate of progress you'll be back to work in no time," Her smile grows wide. It's been almost a year since the crash and I've only been able to watch surgeries from the gallery.

"I've been w-w-working on-on it," My heart feels heavy. 

"Amity, what's up?" She knows, I'm not sure if it's because she's a professional or a friend.

"Today marks a year sin-since Calden..." I don't finish but she understands enough.

"Do you want to talk about it?,"

"I loved him. I still do. I-I always will.... I missed hi-his funeral, b-because of the crash," I take off my glasses and grab a tissue. "His mom c-called me this m-m-morning a-and they-they want me to go to this dinner thing. Talk about his li-life or whatever a-and I said I-I'd go. Li-like a second service but less black a-and food that ca-can actually be enjoyed" A sad laugh goes through me. 

"Do you want to go?"

"Of course I do, but ho-how do I-I face them without him? It doesn't s-seem right,"

"Amity, I want to say this to you and I don't know how long it will take for you to understand it completely. You deserve to be here and you should not feel guilty because you're here and he isn't. He wouldn't want that. He would want you to be happy and live as much life as possible," She seemed almost broken in saying that herself. 

"I kn-know, but...I want him to be here. I want him back," 

"I know Amity, that's how I feel about my sister. But I learned from it, I miss her every day but now I'm going to do what makes me happy. I stayed at home for college because that's what I thought I had to do, I got married because that's what I thought I had to do, I did so much in my life because that's what I thought I had to do Amity but my sister... She backpacked through Europe when we were 16, she became a painter and donated any money she didn't need to causes that did good things in the world. She moved to Mexico because she liked the music there, she met the love of her life there. She just did what her heart wanted, my big sister did everything she could ever want in her life and now I'm going to do the same Amity. I feel awful that it took her dying to get me to live my life but I know that's what she wanted. So in three months, after my divorce is finalized I'm meeting her wife down in Mexico and she's going to help me get settled there and I'm going to start a practice of my own to help people get through their stuff but put the profits towards helping others like my sister. I'm going to do everything I've ever wanted. So, find the lesson that Calden left for you as my sister did for me. Find what Calden brought to the world and try and bring the same in your own way. The way that makes you happy,"

~~~~~~~~~~~

    Kids screaming and dogs barking fill my ears. I knew he had two younger sisters and a younger brother but I'd never met them before. He was allergic to dogs though, they must be new. His mom looks older than she should, but none the less she was as beautiful as ever. 

"Amity, I'm so glad that you could make it," She wrapped me in the biggest hug ever.

"Me too, hopefully it's ok that I parked in the driveway?" My nerves were getting the best of me, I've only had my license for a month or so but like most teenagers, I drive myself any chance I get now. Calden never got the chance to get his license though.

"Of course it is, where else would you have parked?" I'm glad it was rhetorical because, well, she had a point. "His grandparents should be here soon and we can get started," She left something in the air, like words she wanted to say but just couldn't.

Allison, Clair, and Danny are pretty great. If I hadn't known it wouldn't be hard to tell they were his siblings. Allison's 10, Clair and Danny are 8. 

"He used to talk about you all the time," Clair says looking up from the chalk art she'd been working on.  

"Clair!" Allison whispers harshly as if she'd just committed a crime.

"It's true though," Danny defended. "You made him happy. Even when he got really sick he'd just talk about how you guys would facetime later and it'd all be ok," His voice got a little croaky. 

"He made me really happy too, happier than he could have possibly known," I smile at the three of them, I tried not to think about all the nights they cried over their big brother's death and how many times they'd probably seen their parents cry too but being here with them made it really hard to ignore. 

    I know I'll always love him and miss him but he was always so joyful and I think that's what I have to remember. He was joy and happiness and all the good things that somehow brighten up everything. Like how when everything at night is really dark and should be scary but it's more beautiful than the daytime. But, I miss him. I always will, just like how I miss my mom. But, that's ok. I'm gonna be ok.