so sad today

Such an awful feeling to be sad.

I sat in a bench, near the entrance of the village park. Took my lighter out of my pocket and lit my last cigarette. I started to inhale the smoke from this shit that would probably be the cause of my death a few years from now, and I exhaled the smoke, along with it are the stresses and bullshits of life. They told me to quit smoking, because it causes cancer and if I got it correctly, they told me that it lessens your life for a day. But that's okay, at least for me, I mean, I'm not afraid to die. We'll get there sooner or later, right?

I sat in this bench, looking at the people, at the street, and at the cars passing by, while contemplating everything that's wrong with my crappy life. Sure, smoking won't solve anything, but at least it helps me forget for a short while. I like the thought of whenever I exhale this smoke, I also exhale the bullshit. It makes me feel relaxed of some sort.

I actually wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I thought it's too embarrassing to do that in a place full of people.

Right now, I just wanted to savour this moment of emptiness — because I find it comforting to feel empty while smoking — to see the world in grey colours, staring blankly at the people, at the street, and at the cars passing by. In moments like this that I find solitude. Sometimes it helps me forget that the world is such a crappy place to live in — sometimes it could be the other way around — moments like this where I choose to live in my own little world of dullness.

I wanted to cry, you know? I said that earlier, right? I'm so sad, yet, I can't even shed a tear. What an awful feeling, I thought to myself.

I noticed my cigarette's almost out. And that's my cue for going back to reality. I got up to my feet, brushed off some dusts and leaves from my back and bottom, then I started walking away from the bench, and from the park itself. Walking towards wherever my feet will take me. I was still feeling empty, even though I now see the world in such beautiful colors.

What an awful feeling to be so sad today.