back to december [cashton]

if we loved again

Calum entered the café and was immediately engulfed in its warmth. He discarded his gloves and hat and took a seat by the window. He would order coffee later.

He was nervous, to say the least. A small knot had grown in his stomach since last week, when he had made that fateful phone call, and right now he was sure that it was the size of the Eiffel tower. He could feel its spear poking up his throat when he tried to swallow.

A small ding signaled that the door to the café had opened again and Calum felt a cold breeze hit him. The hair on his arms stood up but the cold wasn't to blame for this. It was the caramel curls that poked out from the hat of the man who had just entered.

The man nervously scanned the café. He hadn't changed much, Calum noted. His curls were now visible when the man pulled off his hat and walked towards Calum's table. He looked healthy with red flushed cheeks from the cold. Calum was sure that the Eiffel tower was poking out of his mouth and ears now, visible for everyone to see.

"I'm so glad, you made time to see me," Calum smiled awkwardly as the man pulled out the chair across from him.

Calum was the one who had made the phone call and the other man had been hesitant but ultimately accepted the offer of getting coffee and catch up.

The other man sent him a tight smile in return.

"Have you ordered yet?" Ashton asked. Calum shook his head.

The curly haired man ordered a black coffee and Calum wasn't surprised by this. Why would he suddenly order something else? That would be stupid, he thought to himself. But even though he looked the same and ordered the same bitter beverage, he knew this wouldn't be like the last time they were together.

"How's life? Tell me how's your family?" Calum asked. He was attempting to start a conversation, but really, he felt like he was doing CPR, trying to restart their failed relationship.

He wanted to avoid the awkwardness, the small-talks, and just skip straight to the point. But it wasn't like that anymore. And he only had himself to blame for that.

Ashton stared down at the table for a minute, stirring his coffee, before he finally looked about and gave Calum a half-hearted smile. "I've been good. Busier than ever. "

Calum was glad to hear that. And when Ashton politely returned the question, Calum gave him the same generic answer, he always gave.

Soon they ran out of things to talk about and they simply small-talked about the weather. There wasn't much to say about it, they soon realized. It was snowing and cold. It had been like that all month.

Calum hated the awkward silences but he knew he was to blame for the short and curt answers the other man gave him. Ashton's guard was up around him and honestly, it hurt. He wanted Ashton to be happy but at the same time Calum himself had so many regrets about how their relationship had ended. The last time he had seen Ashton was still burned into the back of his mind. Back when Ashton had given him roses but Calum had left them to die.

But this right here, the awkward coffee date, was Calum finally swallowing his pride. Here he was in front of Ashton and he finally had the opportunity to make amends. To tell him how sorry he was about that night How he went back to December all the time.

It had turned out that the freedom Calum had craved so badly meant nothing but missing Ashton and wishing that he had realized what he had when they had been together.

Calum hadn't been sleeping well lately. He would stay up late and play back himself leaving. And how, when Ashton's birthday passed, he hadn't called. He would think about summer, all the beautiful times he had watched Ashton laughing from the passenger side. And in the fall, he had realized that he loved him.

But then the cold came, the dark days, when fear had crept into Calum's mind. Ashton had given him all his love but all Calum had given him back was a goodbye.

"I miss you," Calum finally confessed.

"Calum- "Ashton begun to protest.

But Calum was a dam and all the memories that had resurfaced were tiny rocks that had been thrown at his exterior, which finally cracked, and now Calum couldn't stop pouring.

"I do," he urged on, "I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile. You were so good to me, so right. And how you held me in your arms that September night, the first time you ever saw me cry." The Eiffel tower had collapsed when the water hit it. "Maybe this is just wishful thinking. I know, it's probably just mindless dreaming. But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right." Ashton sucked in a breath, but Calum continued on. He wasn't in control anymore, he just let the water carry him until he would reach a shore or drown. "I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't. So if the chain is on your door, I understand. "

The flood slowed down for a moment and Calum was left treading water, hoping that Ashton would throw him the lifesaver.