12 steps

Day 0

I guess I can’t tell you without properly divulging details of my life that I’m not prepared to share yet. Let’s just say I came here of my own accord and I’m damn well happy that I’m here. I arrived in the middle of the night two weeks ago. I remember it like it was just yesterday. I came home expecting an empty house but was mildly surprised that my mother was sitting in the kitchen waiting for me. I contemplated running up the stairs to my room because my high hadn’t dissipated yet so having her there made me panic slightly. She was usually out of the country and guess who was left on her own to fend for herself? Ding. Ding. Ding. ME!

I wasn’t always rebellious. I don’t even consider myself a spoiled brat. I am selfish though… that’s the only reason I can come up with as to why I got hooked on drugs when I knew how much it was going to hurt people I cared about. As I walked over to the kitchen, I noticed that she had a resigned look on her face. Suddenly, an overwhelming sense of dread overcame me. This woman who birthed me and did her best to give everything to me looked defeated and I didn’t have any idea on how to reach her. I wanted to make things better, not just for her but for myself. I took the seat across from her.

When she rested her eyes on me, my breath hitched for a second as I seen her demeanor change from defeat to anger.

“Where were you? Is there even any point in asking because you’re most likely not going to tell me anyway?”, she half-yelled. I turned my head down in shame. In all the 7 years since her and my dad separated and we moved here, this was the first time that we sat at this round kitchen table together and to be completely honest, this was not how I envisioned it to be. I had hoped for a more joyous occasion but years of sitting across an empty chair alone and confused, I knew I just got to take what I can get.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were going to be home.”, I said.

She let out a snort. “Oh so just because I’m not here, that gives you the right to come and go as you please? Are you that self-centered that you didn’t even stop and think that someone will worry about you when you don’t come home for 2 days straight and not inform anyone?”

Ouch. That stung. Who was I supposed to inform? The maid who arrives in the morning to do her job and leaves in the afternoon to go back to her children? I wasn’t high enough for this. YES. I am that self-centered. I didn’t stop and think just like you never stopped and thought to inform me when you were going to be home or when you’re in the country. I figured if you can do it, why can’t I? Who exactly is this someone who’s going to worry? YOU? Please. You’re not even around enough to know whether I’m in the house or not so don’t all of a sudden pretend that you care. Aaargh. I wanted to say all these things out loud. I wanted to let her know but I couldn’t bring myself to do it so I quietly apologized for not letting her know.

“I can’t do this anymore, Anna. I’m just fed up with all your shit.”, she exhaled. She gave me one last look and got off her chair. I didn’t dare look back. I heard her walk up the stairs up to her room. Once I heard the soft click of the door locking, I quickly rummaged through my bag and looked for my stash of pills. There they were hiding in plain sight in my tic tac box. I ran to the bathroom and as I moved the bowl of potpourri on the shelf to the sink, I promptly pulled open the lid of the tic tac box and started picking out my pills. There were twenty; I only needed 6 tonight. I took out two cash notes. Laying out the first cash note on the shelf, I proceeded to place the six round white pills on it and folded it in half covering them. I took the bowl of potpourri from the sink and placed it on top of the note to crush them until they were in their pure powder form. Carefully, I lightly tapped the note to deposit the contents on the shelf. Taking out my school I.D. card, I deliberately made a line. Shortly after, I rolled the second cash note into a thin tube and snorted, first on the left nostril and second on the right. I pinched my nose bridge and sniffed.

Ah. This is the life.