12 steps

Tequila Mockingbird

For the past 4 years, this has been my escape and it has been the only constant event in my life that didn’t disappoint. I took out my phone and scrolled through my contact list. I needed to get away from this house. I knew when I wasn’t needed and there really was no point in me staying here so I pressed the call button once I found Jo’s name. 

“Hello”, she answered.

“Pick me up in 15”, I whispered. She squealed in excitement and hung up. Jo and I have been friends since we were 10. I met her in school when I first moved to this country. My mom already had businesses across South East Asia and decided that residing in Manila would be the best option after the divorce. There were tons of international schools I could go to, English was one of the main languages and the cost of living was cheap she reasoned. Since she had full custody of me, my dad had no say in the matter and truth be told, I didn’t remember him trying to dissuade her decision. I guess it had something to do with them already seeing other people months before their divorce was finalized.

I found Jo crying in one of the empty classrooms in our floor during lunch on our first day of school. I coaxed her to tell me what was wrong and she told me that one of the boys in our year teased her about her weight.  I promised her I wouldn’t let anyone bully her again as I held her hand close to mine and we’ve been inseparable ever since. 

I got out of the bathroom and silently made my way upstairs. I looked to my right and saw that my mother’s door was still closed. I tiptoed my way down the hallway to my room. The walls were painted pastel pink adorned with butterfly patterns at the top near the ceiling. It was my mother’s choice, of course. I despised the color pink and I hated butterflies. I quickly changed to a denim mini skirt and a loose white tank top. I opened my dresser looking for a blank piece of paper. Once I found one, I wrote a brief note telling my mother I was sorry and I’ll be away for a while. Folding the paper in half, I grabbed my bag and silently walked over to her room. Hearing the noise of the television, I decided to slip in the note under her door and sneak out of the house.

Jo was already outside waiting for me in her second-hand red Mazda. Her parents got it for her birthday. She was lucky enough to have both still together and taking care of her even after she turned eighteen. 

“Get in, babes!” she hollered. I ran to the passenger’s side and sat down. “Where to?” I asked. She had a mischievous glint in her eye and I knew right then and there that we would be up to no good. 

We arrived in Tristan’s house after half an hour. We needed to stop by the shop to buy bottles of gin and packs of Marlboros to stock up for his party. Since my dad and I hadn’t seen each other since the divorce, he’s been making it up to me by financially supporting me. This made purchasing alcoholic beverages, cigarettes and drugs more than possible for me. I think this was why Tristan hung out with me often despite him being three years older, that and also the fact that he has been going out with Jo for two years.

He lived in an affluent neighborhood, his house was massive and was completely detached with black iron gates. Cars were parked outside and the beat of the music could easily be heard even with the front doors closed.

“Ready?” Jo giddily asked as we both walked towards the house. The front doors suddenly burst open and there stood Tristan with a multi-colored glass bong beckoning us over.

“Hurry up, you two!” he yelled.

“A little help would be nice!” I shouted. He grinned and held out the bong to a passerby at the party to help us out.

“What took you girls so long? I bet Anna’s the reason why you’re both here late!” he exclaimed after giving Jo a sloppy kiss on the lips.

“Ugh! I am disgusted at your assumption, Tristan. I’d have you know that I left your girlfriend’s house at half 9 tonight and was only home for an hour to change and grab my stash.”

I paused to look at my left wrist. “And would you look at that? It’s only eleven-thirty! The party has just begun!”

Jo gave me a sly wink as she led us through the kitchen. Being best of friends for so long, she knew I didn’t want to dwell on what happened between my mother and me so she turned to the only thing that would add to my intoxication.

“Shots!” she squealed whilst opening a bottle of tequila. Tristan lit up a cigarette and bellowed to some of his friends to join us. Matt, Tristan’s best friend started laying out shot glasses on the kitchen table. As Jo poured out our drinks, Matt snaked his arms around my waist and pulled me close. He’s been trying to hook up with me for the last couple of months even though he knew I wasn’t remotely interested. He was an attractive eighteen year old boy and the arrogant bastard knew it.

“I’ve got something for you…” he whispered in my ear. I looked at him and curiously mouthed the word ‘what’ at him. He stuck his tongue out and there was a round pink pill with a butterfly etching on top. He leaned in, inviting me to take it.

“A boy after my heart! The only form where I like pink and butterflies together. You’re tempting, but not tonight… I’m sticking to downers.” I said. He shrugged, picked up a  glass with a mockingbird engraving on it and swallowed the little round pill that brings people ecstasy. Judging by the look on his face, that was most likely his second or third pill of the evening.

Music was pumping loud in the house, people were gyrating their bodies close to each other in the living room. One girl got up on one of the chairs and started dancing. Hoots of encouragement from the guys were all that could be heard and that was my cue to take three shots of tequila consecutively. 

My head started buzzing.

Bright rays of sunlight woke me, which was covered slightly by black satin curtains. Slowly, I rubbed my eyes to take in my surroundings. Lying on the left side of the bed—I noticed soft, white cotton sheets covering me. I groaned. My body ached everywhere. Disoriented, I felt large arms caress my stomach. I turned my head to my right to see Matt with no shirt on fast asleep beside me. His dark blonde hair covered his forehead a little. Immediately, I got up and looked for my belongings whilst I tried to assuage my panic. I was wearing a large blue t-shirt with no bra underneath. I tried to calm myself down by taking deep breaths. This was the same shirt Matt was wearing last night. I didn’t realize how much I cared about the status of my virginity until that moment. I knew I didn’t have to lose it to someone special but I at least wanted to be sober for it. The last thing I remembered from the night before was taking the tequila shots and smoking a joint. Finding my phone on the floor, I picked it up and dialed Jo’s number.

“Come on. Pick up, pick up, pick up! Please pick up!” I sighed nervously. After the third attempt, I hung up to look for my clothes. When I found them, I entered the bathroom and locked myself in. I quickly removed Matt’s shirt and looked at my reflection in the mirror. 

“What the hell happened last night? What have I done?” I thought to myself. I noticed a kiss mark on my neck and bruises on my wrists. I got into the shower and turned up the heat. It was almost scalding my skin. I tried to retrace back my steps from the night before to remember. Did I really want to know? As tears formed behind my eyes, one thing became clear. I couldn’t do this to myself anymore. I needed to get away.