A fight against myself

The silent friends

There are these friends of mine, and maybe for most people, who doesn't like to show themselves in public but would constantly be in our mind 24/7. Are these friends good for me or are they bad? I guess it depends on what perspective you are looking at them from. Sometimes, they help make me a better and stronger person, and allow me to learn more about myself. Sometimes, they do the complete opposite where they bring me down, and try to destroy me pieces by pieces to the point where I just want everything to stop. On another was of looking at them is that you can relate to the term "waking up on the wrong side of the bed", right? Well, one day day you could wake up and feel like you're ready to take on the day and achieve great things. However, there will still be this constant worry that something will go wrong, or not go according to plan. This is what I called, my friend, Anxiety. Other days, you wake up feeling conpletely down and isn't looking forward to the day. The thoughts of having to do social interactions with others causes you to think bad about yourself. You start having these thoughts where you are not good enough, you are not worth the comparison with them, you are just nothing and doesnt deserve a place in this world, where the world would be a better place without you who is just an empty shell of nothingness. This is the other friend called Depression. Depression and Anxiety, can you see it? These two are constantly by our side but the way we choose to live could change everything.

I personally have decided these two to stay with me. I started noticing the signs at the start of my postgraduate study abroad. Initially, I refused to acknowledge the signs although it was clearly there,  to the point where my actual friends had noticed some changes in me. The more I was in denial, the more pain I was putting myself into and the more scars was being made. Mentally, I was so done with everything that I did, at one point, considered what it would be like to jump of the cliff and never having to return back to reality. Physically, I just wanted to lay down on my bed in the dark and not go outside at all to the point that I was losing appetite to eat. Emotionally, I was just empty and fake. I made up another me, the happier version of myself, so my family and close friends wouldn't question me. Socially, I was withdrawn and was just uninterested in everything.

All of these made me have a breakdown. Day after day, I was just living my life because I had to live. Night after night, once the day ends, I go back home and cry into my pillow until I fall asleep. Don't say I didn't try to reach out, I did. I tried reaching out to my close friends. I wanted to tell them i wasn't feeling myself, I was depressed and mentally unstable. I told them I wanted to talk...but when I talked to them, the conversation just tend to divert to something else. It was like something was stopping me from opening up or it was more like I didn't want to dampen the mood with my depressing self. So, I do what I have done so far. I smiled, and said "I'm alright, thanks, you?" This was my way of diverting attention from my problems and this wase hiding myself behind my mask.

Months past by, I am slowly beginning to accept my mental health issues. Slowly but surely I will get back to the top. So from here on out, I want to tell you about my ongoing journey with depression and anxiety throughout getting my postgraduate qualification. I hope there more people would open up and become more aware of mental health but its affecting us globally but even then, people turn a blind eye to it. I hope that this would also help those who had similar struggles, regardless if it is depression, GAD, PTSD, OCT, panic disorders and etc, and I would like to hear more stories about their battles.