Phantom ▷ b. barnes [1] ✔️

xix. there's no saving the dead

"So I been thinking that I think too much. And I can't sleep, but I can dream of us." -- Gravity, EDEN

~ ~ ~

Sam was afraid of death.

She realized she was going to die moments before the bombs went off, and it was the scariest thought she ever had.

She was to be reunited with her brother, her mother; she should have been thinking of that. There could be no more pain in death, no more fear. But that wasn't what went through her mind in that last moment.

She didn't want to die.

It was a selfish, twisted thought. But she didn't want to die; not yet. She'd never felt such fear and hopelessness, betrayed by her own body while those she loved turned away. And that was selfish too. That she dared feel betrayed when she told them to run.

But she couldn't stop the thoughts. And she couldn't stop the bombs from going off.

Maybe if she was stronger, she could have altered the present. It shattered her spirit to be fighting so hard, but be unable to even lift herself up. She wanted to scream, but couldn't even do that.

She couldn't swallow the terror rising in her throat. 

Sam was afraid of death, despite what she'd always told herself. Maybe she'd been lying every time. She'd always thought she'd was braver than this.

Maybe she never had been.

When the warehouse exploded, she didn't feel the heat. She didn't feel the explosion sweep through her flickering body, nor the flames devouring where she laid.

When the warehouse exploded, she only felt afraid.

Afraid and alone.

~ ~ ~

The Howling Commandos had yet to lose a comrade.

This was war. It was something they should have been prepared for, but they weren't. Sitting in the pub, the piano playing softly to the back and the other drunkards roaring with laughter, they were all silent. 

Grief hung heavy on the air.

Dugan was the first to make a sound, clearing his throat. Sadness glassed over his eyes, the usual smile on his face gone. Looking up, he glanced at Steve. "Does she have anyone to contact?"

"No," he said softly. "She only had us."

Falsworth's eyes flickered angrily. "The bastards will pay."

"Hydra didn't kill Sam," Steve said, his heart twisting in his chest despite the truth. He couldn't bear the weight on his shoulders, words shaking. "She lost control. She couldn't--" He broke off.

Inside his head, his thoughts were accusatory. You killed her. Hydra didn't, you did.

You left her behind.

"Yeah, well, Hydra did that to her," Dugan growled. His sadness had morphed into a cold hatred, a terrifying look on the man. His fingers tightened around his empty drink, and the glass shattered. Jumping up, he cursed.

Steve didn't have the heart to stop the man as he shoved his chair away, stalking out of sight. Everyone grieved in their own way.