NOT GIVING UP ON FOREVER

Chapter 31

The capital was a million times more beautiful and luxurious than Anna had imagined. Dazzling commercials, lights, posters with models, products, goods, and services urged you to consume and earn more to consume more. Only then would you be successful, and on your face would be a white smile that super toothpaste N. will provide. You would have an expensive suit from the brand M., a cool car from the brand O., and a bunch of fans offered by a promo company P.

But all this mass, all this fanatical materialism, and temporary illusions did not cause any negative emotions in Anna's heart.

We all think of the beautiful, living in this material web with its laws, and if not you, then them. She understood that. Having in mind only perfect intentions—to help the family, provide future children with a comfortable life—she played according to this cruel game's rules.

Therefore, the transition to a new level, symbolically denoted by moving from Garth to Mining Great fascinated her so much. She enthusiastically absorbed everything around, studied people, their submissive existence, expressed in amorphous movements, visible to the naked eye, or their daring strategies to bite off the "pie of success." She saw it in every detail, every passer-by, every conversation.

"So, how do you like it?" Mark wondered.

He had been staring at her for several minutes. She altered considerably, but in some ways, she was still the same. Just in what ways? Did she even have any feelings for him? He thought frantically about all this, trying to find the answer in the features of her face.

"I'm thrilled. This city is a game field for real professionals. I'm getting this job," Anna responded readily.

"What a spirit!" Mark admired. "You're not the same Anna that dreamed of a bunch of kids and worked crafts at home!"

"You noticed. This is a new Anna. The former died of a broken heart when instead of a bunch of children and needlework, she received the news that the love of her life dumped her, making it clear that money is cool and a career is a way to go. And this new Anna found out what is so cool about it, and now she fully agrees with him, and her heart no longer hurts—it is not there."

"Ouch. That was painful." The lad grimaced. "But it was possible to describe all somewhat... softer."

"As soft as it can be. Are we there yet?"

"We're here."

Mark's apartment was on the ninth floor of an old building. Anna hoped for more colorful views, but in fact, everything was grey and straightforward. The condo had a minimum of furniture and a maximum of cigarette roaches. The only place that clearly showed signs of any human activity was a computer desk. The rest was dominated by minimalism, created from desperation rather than design considerations.

"Beer?" Mark appeared in the doorway with two bottles in his hands.

"No, thanks, I am a total abstainer." The girl shook her head negatively.

"As before. Mmm, then... a pretzel?"

Anna laughed.

"Yes, perhaps, a pretzel will do just fine now."

It broke the ice. For the rest of the evening, they bantered about all the possible things of any interest to both of them—medicine, philosophy, religion, pedagogy. Anna thought briefly that this conversation was so reminiscent of their everyday talks when they were a couple. Mark was sitting across from her again, giving out long scientific monologues. She laughed again and parried. Nothing seemed to change. It felt they were... together.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" Mark asked suddenly.

"What? Huh? Yes, I do. Or not. I don't know, to be honest. It's kind of vague. I don't understand it yet myself."

"Mmm. What's his name?"

"Randall."

"Randall," he repeated. "You love him?"

"Mark, what a question."

"You love him?"

"I don't want to answer that."

"Okay then, do you love me? Don't you love me anymore?"

"Mark, I think you've had enough beer for today. It is not the best conversation turn we have."

"I love you, though."

He stood up and approached Anna so that their eyes were facing each other. She could smell the alcohol from his half-open mouth. He gazed at her.

"Mark, I don't think the situation is developing in the right way."

"Anna, who do you love?"

"Mark, stop asking that."

"You're confused. Right? I betrayed you. You're hurting. You met him. And you want to love him. But you do not. Right?"

"Stop talking about all this!"

"You're fierce because I'm right."

He kissed her.

"How do you feel?" he kept kissing her.

"Stop! Mark, please, stop."

"And now? I won't. Study yourself, Anna. Study your emotions. Who do you love?" he was coming down.

"Please, stop!"

"And now, Anna? What do you feel now?"

He kissed her everywhere. She tried to resist, then gave up, then found strength again and fought until she gave up to his kissing.

"And now... ? Anna... ?" he whispered. "How do you feel? Do you still love me?"

He made calm, measured, but passionate movements, showering her with kisses.

But the truth was... She felt nothing.

Not-a-single-thing.

She closed her eyes and began to cry silently.