Me

He

He was so different from me. Honestly I needed someone who did something with their life other than play video games and eat all day.

Today I went out with him. He was a year older than me and already had his drivers license so he picked me up. "What do you want to do?" He asked as I got buckled up.

 "How about the craft store and coffee?" He drove to the nearest craft store and we glanced around. There was nothing worth buying. We went to a few small shops and still found next to nothing.

Then we went for coffee. "I'll take a hot Mocha." I told the lady at the cash register. She was wearing a colorful bandana and a smile on her face. "I'll have the same thing." He said and we took a spot right next to the coffee machine.

"So did you enjoy the bonfire yesterday? I did." He said. I shrugged my shoulders. I knew that I hadn't actually wanted to go out with him today. To be quite honest I woke up with a headache and was perfectly ok with staying home all Saturday.

I decided that I needed to go though. Maybe now was the right time. I was miserable with him and maybe I should end it. Maybe.

"So you've seemed different lately." I observed.

"I've just been super tired. School is crazy this year and all the homework. Today was the first goodnight's rest that I have had all day." He responded.

I nodded. I wanted to end it. I really wanted to. I knew that I would find peace in it. In fact I could already hear the words I would say to my best friend Elizabeth after the ordeal was finished.

I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It wasn't because he had bought me so much today (or had even held my hand.) I just couldn't stand potentially seeing him so upset. Besides he was sweet today. He kind of talked a bit more than usual.

Just then our coffees were done and we walked out the door. I had a curfew and we both had church tomorrow.

I laid in my bed and looked up at my ceiling. Why was I doing this to myself? Why was I actually going through with something I hated? I wanted to feel whole again and to understand what it felt like to dream about someone.

I dreamed a lot, sure, and a lot about John, but that was different. I wanted to be able to change my mind and flirt with guys whose name I don't even know. I wanted to have my friend set me up with old guy friends and tease her about her hot brother.

I wanted to be a free again. I just couldn't draw myself to do it.