My First Summer Without You

Prologue

I stood in front of the hospital room, my mind blank, and barely heard the words spoken to me by a doctor that I hardly knew.

"Ms. Brown," The doctor gave me a pitiful look, one that I'd gotten too often these past few months, one that didn't matter anymore. "Paige would like to see you."

For two weeks, Paige refused to let me see her. She didn't tell me the reason, but I knew it well. She couldn't bear to let me remember her as the sick girl with yellow skin, crusty lips, and a body attached to several machines.

And so, when I heard that she wanted to see me, I knew it wasn't for her to apologize, or tell me that she misses me.

She wanted to say goodbye.

I was on the verge of tears, but refused to let them come out. I couldn't let her see me like this, not today, not now.

I opened the door and stepped in to the room that I had grown accustomed to. When I saw my sister, I felt a part inside of me break.

This couldn't be the Paige I knew. The Paige I knew felt like the first ray of sunshine after a cloudy day. She was a breath of fresh air after being suffocated in a tiny room. She was the beautiful music played by an orchestra.

She wasn't what she was right now. A pale girl with tired eyes, attached to equipment that barely let her breathe. She wasn't dread and sickness. She wasn't false hope and broken promises.

"Ellie?" She looked at me with those blue eyes of hers, those blue eyes that I'd miss more than anything. "Don't look at me like that. Please don't do this to me." Her voice was strained.

"What am I supposed to do?" I let out, too tired of hiding my emotions. "My sister is.." I didn't know what to say. Sick? Ill? Dying? Almost gone?

Instead of finding words, I went up to her and sat on the chair next to her bed. I couldn't bear to see any expression on her face. I was too ashamed of myself. I couldn't spend my last minutes with her complaining about how different she looked.

We sat for a few seconds, silence filling the room. We just wanted to be there, in the moment, relishing a time when we are both breathing. "I don't want you to feel sorry for me," She finally said, with a soft voice. "You're the best sister anyone could've asked for, Ellie. I love you so much and I just hope that-"

I stopped her before she could continue. "No. Oh God please no." I whined, the tears welling up in my eyes, my voice breaking in the way my heart was at this moment. "Please don't do this. Don't..." The tears were out now. There was no way I could fight them. They were running down my face. I used the sleeves of my shirt to vigorously wipe them off of my face. "Don't act like this is goodbye, okay? Don't tell me beautiful stories of us as children or of how much you love me because," I gave her a sad, hopeful smile. "You're strong, okay? You can do this. I've never seen anyone as strong as you. You fought off all those bullies for me, remember? You would go to school when you had a fever, Paige!"

"Ellie," She gave me a sympathetic look as she reached for my shivering hands.

"You're Paige. You can fight through anything. You always told me that its all about perspective. If you are confident that you're strong, you can beat anything. Cancer is nothing. That stupid, stupid thing can't be what makes your life end." I smiled at her, nodding. "You can fight through this, you can fight through this, right? You don't have to tell me old stories or reminisce about our childhood because we are still going to stay together, remember? We'll go to college together and share a dorm room. Right, Paige? Right? Remember our plan?"

Paige had tears in her eyes now. She was still clutching on to my hand with her own, one that was pale and showed her bones and veins, barely any skin. "Yes, I remember. We would've had a double wedding. And your kids and mine would've become best friends."

Would've, Would've? No, she can't do this. "But," Paige continued. "Things have changed. I can't fight it off, Ellie. God, I wish to, but I can't! I lived a great life despite what happened to me when I was young because of you and your family. I've experienced happiness that many people don't experience in a lifetime. I'm thankful. So, please, don't let me not being in your life threaten your happiness. Don't let me stop you from anything, Ellie."

She suddenly started to lean into her hospital bed. She was starting to feel tired. This just wasn't Paige. Paige was never tired, that was my role. It was terrifying, how much she changed.

"So," I let out. "This is goodbye?" Those were the most difficult words I ever had to say. I was hoping she'd tell me that she had started feeling better, that she'll still be with me. 

"No," She said, looking at me for the final time. "It's more of an 'I'll see you later', "

I would've sobbed right then. I would've fell onto her lap, and she would've told me everything was okay, like usual. But, despite how I felt, I knew that this moment was different. No tears escaped my eyes. She was there for me my entire life, I had to be there for her when her own ended.

I climbed onto her bed, and she scooted for me. "Come here," I said, extending my arms to her. For the first time ever, Paige broke down. She leaned into my chest as she sobbed. I pretended that my heart wasn't breaking every time a single one of her tears fell onto my shirt. I pretended that I didn't feel like all I wanted to do was run. That I would've rather ran away, never knowing whether or not she was alive. That I'd do anything but face this reality, and have to be put in this situation. And I succeeded. For the first time, I was the one being strong for her.

My older sister and best friend died that night. 

I guess a part of me died as well.