My First Summer Without You

Five.

"Mom, I'm fine," I was practically using magical abilities to make my phone stick to my shoulder as I talked to my mother. My hands were already preoccupied with holding the grocery bags. "I cook for them most days and order food on the weekends. I also make sure they're going outside so they won't get bored,"

"I just can't help but be worried," She sighed. "It's your first time taking care of them alone,"

Well, you could've just sent us to Dad's, but you're too uncomfortable with that. Is what I wanted to say. However, I said this instead, "I completely understand, but I don't want you to worry. I'm handling everything well,"

I continued walking with my head glued to my shoulder as I looked for my car. It was pretty difficult since I couldn't even tilt my head to look around. "How's Paris?" I asked, trying to get her to talk instead of me so I can focus on where my car is.

"Oh, it's just wonderful as always," I could picture her smiling as she said that. "The malls here are just filled with such beautiful clothing. I found the perfect purse for you, like the ones you told me you wanted-" She paused when she realized what she had said.

I never wanted a purse from Paris. That was Paige's thing, not mine. This was another thing I had to get used to after Paige's death: getting compared to her all the time. I can't blame people for it, though. I was practically Paige's shadow. We did everything together since we were close in age. We also looked so similar that some people thought we were twins.

"Ellie, I'm so-"

"It's okay, Mom. I don't really want a purse but you can buy me some new sundresses if you want," When I finally found my car, I let out a breath of relief. "Mom, I have to place the groceries in the car now. Bye."

She mumbled a quiet "Bye" before she ended the call. My mother was closer to Paige, but we didn't have that bad of a relationship. I knew that she loved me and cared for me, she just had a weird way of showing it sometimes.

---------------

Later that evening, I was so bored I could barely keep my eyes open. I was eating some cheese puffs while watching youtube videos, but I'd already done that for the past hour. Sophie usually kept me awake, but she was peacefully sleeping in her room.

Jack was on the couch playing video games. He played that game more than I watched videos, but he didn't seem bored at all. I almost envied him. At least he had something he was passionate about.

I was so relentlessly bored that I just tried to think of the weirdest ways to combat the boredom. "Jack, do you think I can sell cookies to the neighbors?"

"What are you, a girl scout?"

It was no, then.

"What if," I pondered the thought for a moment. "I practiced to become a runner,"

"You can't handle going down the stairs,"

That was true.

"Hey, Jack," I threw a cheese puff at him to get his attention. He caught it with one hand before throwing it into his mouth. While chewing the rest of the cheese puffs, I told him of my final grand idea. "Don't you think I'd be a good YouTuber?"

"You'd be the worst and most hated one," He simply said before returning to play his video game.

I placed my hand on top of my chest to signify how hurt I was. "What? Why do you think that?"

"You're so uninteresting I can't even speak to you without yawning," He said once again in a monotone voice. I couldn't believe that he said that. Sure, I wasn't the most fun person to be around, but I wasn't boring. Right?

I couldn't help but be intrigued. I left the kitchen table and sat next to him on the couch. He looked at my cheese-powdered hands in disgust. "Don't you dare even think about laying your filthy hands on my controller,"

I ignored his weird pleas and instead asked him another question. "Why am I uninteresting?"

"You don't do anything in your life other than bothering me while I'm playing video games,"

"But that's not because im uninteresting, it's just that you're so fun to bother!" I told him while using wipes to clean my hands. Jack was so easily irritated that it was too amusing. Other than that, he was in his "annoying teenage phase" and liked to berate those older than him. Since Mom was barely ever here to raise him, I'd decided that I'd annoy those snarky insults out of him.

He paused his game and faced me. Wow, this was about to get serious. "What are your hobbies?" He looked me straight in the eye, challenging me.

"Well," I paused for a moment to think of the answer to the question. I thought it'd be easy to tell him about something I liked, but it was difficult. Unable to find a sufficient answer, I replied "I like binge-watching Netflix,"

"That's not a hobby. It's just a really bad habit," His voice was a bit softer now. "Ever since Paige died, you barely do anything anymore,"

That sent a pang to my heart. It wasn't like that. It couldn't be. I had many hobbies, right? I was always really busy taking care of them and making sure they're okay. I was just too busy to have a hobby.

"Taking care of Sophie is a full-time job in itself. I just don't have the time to have a hobby," I confessed.

"No, you have enough time. That's just one of your many excuses. You just did whatever Paige used to do,"

"I did not!" I defended myself. But who was I trying to convince? What he was saying was completely true.

"Ellie," Jack was now nothing but a younger brother who was worried about his sister. "Don't lie. Just admit it. You lost yourself when Paige died,"

Memories of laughter and smiles filled my brain until my vision was blurry. Memories of feeling the breeze through my hair as I collected seashells with my sister when I was 12, of making fun of bad movies while eating the popcorn she made when I was 14, of braiding her hair for the final time when I was 15.

Memories of me having a smile that reached my eyes. Of me having a heart that was still intact. Of me not needing to cry to sleep every night.

That girl was gone. When I looked for her in the mirror that night, I couldn't find her, and it terrified me.