My First Summer Without You

Two.

Ellie's POV

The beach was only a five-minute drive from where we lived. This was why I loved where we lived. During the summer, we could enjoy going to the beach while not having to travel to another area. I mean, my siblings could enjoy going there. I would enjoy staying home while they were happy. 

Still, I forced myself to drive my brother and sister to the beach. I could've easily told them to walk, but I remembered how Paige always drove them there, so that they wouldn't walk when it was burning hot outside. 

My sister, who was riding shotgun, interrupted my thoughts. "Is it true that Mommy is leaving for the summer?" I was startled. Did Mom tell them already?

"Don't look so confused," My brother took off one side of his earphones. "We heard you speaking."

"You have a loud voice." My sister explained.

"Oh," I understood now. I drove in silence for a while until I realized. "Hey, my voice isn't that loud."

"Yes it is." Jack had both his earphones out by now, and was leaning forward from the backseat.

"No." I said again, defending myself. I always thought of myself as calm and quiet. This surprised me more than it should have.

"Its two against one, Elle." My sister said, a smirk on her lips. Since when did seven year old girls smirk? 

"Well, I'm the oldest, so my vote counts as three."

"That doesn't make any sense." My brother's voice was low and steady, but irritated.

"Yes it does!" I cried out. I found Sophie placing her fingers in her ears.

"See? Sophie's ears hurt because of you." Jack told me as I parked. 

"Shut up." 

----------

We laid down some blankets on the sand. It was windy, and I struggled to get my hair to stay still. Instead, it was suddenly right in my face, making it impossible for me to see anything. I couldn't even appreciate true nature's beauty or whatever. I was just laying on my blanket, breathing deeply.

My sister found a friend of hers, and they went to make sandcastles. I saw the way she smiled as she built a wall to guard her castle. And then, I heard her laughing as the wall miserably failed to protect it.

Jack was on his phone, playing a game. I tried not to be annoyed. At least he was outside the house, for once. He had his earphones on, and was speaking to his "gamer friends". 

I was tanning, since there was nothing else to do. I wasn't used to being this lonely. I always had a partner next to me, who was a chatterbox that never made me feel bored. Somehow, sitting alone on the sand, my mind drifted. How was I supposed to take care of my siblings, alone, for this long? Before I'd taken off to the beach, I asked my mother the same question again.

"Aunt Becky will come to occasionally check up on you." She'd told me. Aunt Becky was my mom's friend from college. She lived close to our home. It was reassuring, in a way, that not all the responsibility fell upon me. I liked to live freely, without caring too much. Caring was Paige's thing, not mine. 

--

2 Years Ago

"Are you sure you'll be fine?" My mom had finished packing an hour ago. She'd then spent the entirety of her free time scrambling around the house, making sure that everything was just perfect. It was the first time she'd leave us alone after the divorce. "Will you remember everything I told you? The weekly grocery list is right on the counter. There is a medicine cabinet if any of you get sick. And, do you know where I keep the emergency money?"

"Mom, it's fine. I know." Paige was the one who replied. Honestly, I didn't remember where the emergency money was. I counted on Paige for knowing this. "Don't worry, I'm sixteen now. I can take care of everything, and I'll drive them to wherever they need to go."

My mother's features relaxed. She knew she could depend on Paige, of course. She never let her down. "I'll only be gone for two weeks. I'll miss you, sweetie." She pulled Paige into a hug. It wasn't hard to tell that she was Mom's favorite. In moments like this, I sometimes felt a pang of jealousy. 

My little sister looked up at Mom with tears in her eyes. "Do you really have to go, Mommy?" She pronounced the R as a W. My mom looked down at her in a way that made me feel like she was about to go back on her decision. Like she was going to throw her bags in her bedroom, and tell Sophie that she'd stay. That it didn't matter.

"Yes she does, Soph," Paige said before Mom could have a chance to reply. "Its her job."

"Yes, Yes." My mother said, finally gaining control of herself. "Its my job, right. Well, I guess I have to go. I'll call every day, all right?"

My brother and I were just looking at Mom feeling a bit more distanced from her than Soph and Paige. She cared about us, of course, but we were less close to her than the others. We usually waited on the sidelines when she directed her affection on her favorite children. This wasn't a problem before the divorce. We were Dad's favorites. Now, I just felt like I was useless.

"Bye, Mom." I said, in a quiet voice. She looked startled to hear me speak to her. I hadn't really done it since the divorce. I blamed her for it, after all.

"Bye Sweetie," She pulled me into a hug. "Dont worry, your sister will be there for you." She whispered into my ears, trying to be reassuring. I didn't need her to be, though. When I pulled away, and saw Paige's face, I knew I didn't need anyone as much as I needed her. Not even Mom.

----

Many hours after we returned home, I found myself lying in bed, staring at the empty one on the other side of the room. To occupy myself, I decided to listen to music. I didn't want to spend hours staring at it, again. 

I still wasn't used to it, though. Even as I heard the songs, I still felt like my life was more empty than usual. I'd usually rid of this feeling by doing schoolwork. But now, in summer, I knew that wasn't an option. And both of my siblings were already asleep. 

If only I could talk to her. If only she was right here next to me, and I'd tell her of how much I missed her. How much I wanted to hear another one of her silly stories. Or see her smile. Or hear her laugh.

With this thought in mind, I found myself taking out a notebook from my drawer. I opened it, and found an empty page staring at me. Then Write  It told me. You haven't written anything on me in forever.

I don't know what made me decide to pick up a pen, but I did. 

Dear Paige  I began writing. Then, I stopped myself. No, this wasn't right. Her name didn't need to be addressed.

In my first day of summer without you, I realized how boring life really is. Really, I can't imagine how anyone can live without you, how anyone can be happy. I tried to enjoy my time at the beach, really, like you had. But, I didn't. I was really bored, but I had a good nap. Mom left for work, today. She expects to rely on me the same way she relied on you, but I really can't believe her. I'm nothing like you. I mean, here I am, hiding in my room instead of checking on Sophie, like you had every night. I'm really scared. I'm scared they expect me to turn into you. But you know its impossible. No one can be like you. You were too perfect. You contained all the beauty in the world, so the universe decided to take you away from the rest of us.