The Tinted Sky

Dull, Sad, and Grey

   I opened my eyes, but I'm not sure if I woke up. I was stuck in between sleep and being awake, behind the veil consciousness. The ceiling was covered in chipped white paint. Many years ago there had been colorful posters of singers from the 90's covering it instead. Mara's mother had taken them all down when Mara had moved out after our wedding. I had begged Mara to move out with me years before she actually did, when I had first gotten my apartment, but the one rule she ever really had was no moving in together until we were married. The room had changed a lot since Mara had moved out; the walls were no longer the deep shade of orange Mara had painted it when we were 17. She had always had an eccentric taste when it came to colors. I had told her it was a terrible idea to decorate your bedroom that kind of orange when we were at home depot picking it out, but she insisted it would look like the sun was always rising in her room.

   As we painted, I realized she was right, as usual. We sat in her bedroom afterward staring at the wall as the sun went down. The last rays of light peered through her window, the sun setting on the sunrise. "It's beautiful" I whispered. She looked at me and smiled. Before she said anything, I beat her to the punch "Don't say it Mara" she shrugged and looked back at the wall.

"I wasn't going to, but I will tell you this, I'm pretty fucking awesome at this home decorating shit" I kissed her on the neck and breathed in the floral smell of her perfume.

"Oh trust me, baby, you're pretty fucking awesome in general" she laughed in that breathy way that she always laughed gasping for air after every jingle. Now the room didn't look like the sunrise anymore it looked like the sky right before it was about to rain, a dull, lonely grey. The bed was Mara's full-sized poster bed, the one she had written quotes and ideas all over, the one that had our initials carved into it. It was now a queen size bed, with sheets that weren't covered in colorful butterflies but instead covered in plain grey stripes. This room looked nothing the way it had when Mara had lived in it, and it made me think. Is this the way my life is going to look without Mara? Dull, sad, and grey? Would my life be filled with sorrow and grief from now on? Would the never-ending sunrise disappear into an eternal night?

   Someone knocked gently, almost hesitantly on the door. "Nate, are you up?" it was Amayah I could smell salami, and eggs. The strong smell of the seasonings and cooked meat made my stomach turn. How could anybody eat right now? "Nate, breakfast is ready if you want some, Mami made enough for everyone" I knew I should answer. Tell her that I wasn't hungry, tell her that I wanted to be left alone, but I also knew that there was a big chance that if I answered I wouldn't feel numb anymore. The pain would awaken, and I'd have to face it. I wasn't ready to face it, I just wanted to hide. I don't know how long I lay in that ugly grey bed, but it must've been hours because I didn't come out of oblivion until Amayah knocked on the door again. "Nate, you gotta eat, I'm coming in with some dinner" did she also knock for lunch? I must've missed that. She opened the door slowly, and I did my best to sit up. She smiled at me without using her teeth. A terrible faux smile, without actual happiness or comfort, just pain, and closed the door behind her. "Mami made arroz con habichuelas y pollo" I nodded and looked at the plate. The smell made my stomach churn again. Mara's mother was a fantastic cook; she knew what she was doing in the kitchen. Right now I just couldn't seem to stomach it. Amayah put the plate on the night table beside me and sat on the bed. "How are you?" I looked at her and opened my mouth to tell her that I was terrible. That I wanted nothing more but to go back in time and save Mara, or if I couldn't do that I wanted nothing more than to join her. Instead, I whispered with effort.

"I'm fine." Amayah ran her fingers through her hair.

"If you ever want to talk Nate I'm here, we've known each other forever, we're family" I slunk back down into the bed and nodded at her.