Your Hearts A Mess. (Ryden Fanfic)

Chapter 1: Days Seem like Years.

(Brendon's p.o.v)

It's been 1 year. One year since that dreadful moment of leaving my bestfriend. He's not even my bestfriend; he's my lover. He's the person I wanted to spend my life with. He's the person I wanted to adopt children with.

He's the one I wanted to marry.

I could go on and on about what I wanted with him, but I think I would completely soak the pillow I'm crying in. I'm lost. I have been lost. He was my monotone sunshine, my lyrical beauty. I let him skip away from my fragile fingertips. I let him drain my now blue heart.

I did this to myself. If I would have just let the world know that Ryan and I liked each other; no loved each other. Then maybe things wouldn't have gone down the steep hill. We would probably be in his backyard, writing songs about love, even though it was about us the entire time. He would be trying to barbeque but he would burn it and I would laugh, kiss him until he didn't care about the food anymore.

I completely fucked everything up.

Believe me when I say this is all I think about, because it is. I go day by day remembering, daydreaming, aching, and feeling pain ever since the day he walked out of my life.

He walked out of my life April 12, 2009.

It was the most painful day I have ever experienced. I sat there by the door screaming like a child that was getting taken away from their parents. Spencer was pulling me back. He and Jon walked out of my house for the last time while Spencer held me and I cried until next week.

*Flashback *

"Spencer please! I can make things right!" I yelled at him with tears running down my face while he held me back from running down the steps and making a scene.

"Bren! It's for the best!" My only band mate yelled. I pound the window, trying to get the love of my life to notice my pain. Then maybe he would come back. "Please...I love him." I whisper as I slid down the window and sobbed in a fetal position, the loss wracking against my bones.

The car drives away.

*End of Flashback *

I shudder at the memory and huddle closer under my bundle of blankets.

I have been a mess since then.

I only left my house a couple times and that was to go get a little food. I haven't eaten as much as I used to, I'm lucky if I even get at least 4 meals in. I stay under my blankets, imagining a life with him. My fans have been wondering where I have been, where I'm hiding. Some think I'm working on the new album, some think I'm wallowing in pain; and that one is right. I haven't made a real song since the inncident, it's just been love songs that are obvious if I put them out there. Break up songs, love songs, songs about him.

Spencer has been worried about me, but he is to busy with Haley to really notice. I mean sure he visits and holds me until we go get drunk, but he still knows I'm dying inside. It's not that hard to miss. My eyes give me away, even I notice when I stare at myself in the mirror, wondering if it was maybe my looks that drove him away.

Maybe it's the way my skintone is or how I've now drowned myself in alcohol. I haven't really given thought to stop drinking, I just do it to forget.

That's what I do, I overthink and drink.

I've been putting Panic! At The Disco on hold lately, I don't want to get back into business when I feel like a part of me is missing. It's nothing against the fans, I just need time to myself.

If only I just told the world about me and Ryan then things would have worked out. I pound the sheets at that thought, crying once again. It's a never ending cycle. I think, cry, think harder, sob, and repeat until I tire myself out.

The way his brown hair was curling at the ends and his honey eyes sparkle-- A knock at my door hummed through out the house, sounding muffled from under my tear stained blankets.

I groan, lifting my barrier and putting on my black glasses. Lugging myself out of my fortress of a bed, I drag myself to the door, wiping my face on the way. My shaking hand on the handle and I twist to the right.

At the sight I am seeing, I bawl once again and cover my face with my shaking hands.

"Your still a mess B." The familiar voice sighed and gave me one of those bear hugs I always love, not letting go. I sob into Spencer's chest, "You need to get over him, he's not worth it." He said into my hair.

I shake my head, "He's worth everything Spencer, can't you see?" I mumble into his chest. He let's go of me to lead me to my couch, my stumbling feet almost trip on the little stairway.

We settle on the couch, my head against his shoulder. "Bren, what did I say about drinking so much?" He motioned to my bottle collection on the coffee table. I just shrug absentmindedly, I don't really give a damn.

"It just helps me forget." I state. He sighs and pets my dingy hair, I sense him taking in my aberrant home.

"This is not the way." He looks at me seriously and I seriously dread this conversation. "You have to grow some fucking balls and face him until you realize he's no good!" Spencer exclaims. "He's in the Young Veins now, doing Beatles shit."

I almost chuckle at him lashing like that. "Can I call someone on your phone?" He asks and I nod, taking out my phone from my back pocket, unplugging the earbuds because I was listening to music in my barrier back in my fortress.

Spencer froze. "B." He says in disappointment and looks at me. "Really? You need to delete this." He says as he shows me the song I was listening to; Northern Downpour (Alternate Version). I guess I should have exited my iTunes first. I can't help it, that song means everything to me. He wrote that for me.

"I'm sorry." I say quietly and look at my shoes. He sadly smiles and continues to scroll through my contacts.

It's silent until I heard the ringing phone and then Spencer speaks.

"Hey Pete." I freeze and immediately turn to Spencer, giving him a scared look. What the fuck is he doing? Pete is really close to my lover, and I haven't talked to him since the split.

"Yeah. Yeah. Can you come to Brendon's?" He tells Pete. I jump and try to smack the phone away from his hands.

"Cool bye." And he hangs up. I shoot him a pissed look.

"What the hell!" I yelled. I think that's the loudest I have ever talked in awhile, kinda hurts my throat.

He just smirks and says, "He's going to help you with the problem." I roll my eyes into the back of my head and roll back on the couch, wanting to die.

I don't want help.

I just want to remain being hopelessly in love with Ryan Ross The Third.