George Harrison's Guide To Surviving Summer

Here Comes The Sun Which Will Most Likely Kill Everyone

As I am writing this, I am in my study. The study is the room that is the most remote in the house. The lights flicker on and off. The floorboards creak and moan. The trees cover the window so much that the yellowish light barely shines- alright I'll stop now but the point is, ever since summer started, I have literally been living as a vampire. I moved my TV to the study. Ooh, and my mini fridge. I got that when I wrote my last book. And also, Paul's fluffy unicorn blanket. He left it here many, many years- yeah, I stole it from him last week and shut up. He's not getting it back.

My other point is, the sun will kill me.

I burn like John's awful, awful baked bread he keeps giving me every Sunday. And I wear Mr. Curly's Funscreen every two hours and it still doesn't help. I mean, at least it isn't spray tan anymore...

Oh yeah, the spray tan story. I'll tell you that one sometime soon.

There are benefits to staying in the study all day long. Except the fact that the lights flicker. Like all the time. And the power goes out. And the wifi reception is actually garbage. Like, what alternate reality are we living in, man?

1. Not having to listen to the next door kids. Tommy Whitman, that rascally kid from from next door that Dhani keeps hanging out with for some reason, keeps getting all these wacky ideas for "making the summer more enjoyable". Last week he had this snow maker machine in that blew fake, powdery snow all over our side of the fence. I just stood there, yelling at this kid, when he kept cranking the dial up, and the snow just flew all into my eyes and into my hair and... well, let's just say, it wasn't a pleasurable experience trying to find the front door again after having my eyes practically shut with powder.

And now my kid hangs out with him.

Just great.

2. Winston, oh my Krishna he is a nightmare. For the people who don't know, Winston is my dog. And he gets very energetic in the warm weather and needs to be taken for a walk like every single minute and he actually won't let me think.

3. The outdoor couples' yoga class Liv makes me take with her. I swear, every class is like this:

Ethel (the instructor): Now center your chi.

Every gnat around us: BITCH NO WAY, WE'RE GONNA FLY IN YOUR EYES 

Me: *swatting the gnats away in a standing tree position* Go away, I'm trying to center my chi, dammit!

And by now everyone around me is staring at me...

Liv: Are you.. okay?

Me: *violently swatting the air around me* Yes. I'm just swatting away some gnats.

Liv: You know, Ethel said that if you center your chi, the gnats will fly the other way.

Me: *still swatting* I'm trying to!

And then a gnat flies into my mouth.

Me: *falls over instantly and somehow ends up tripping over the grass*

Every. Single. Class.

4. Every time Paul comes over to show me this new lemonade flavour he's invented and how he's going to pitch it to Starbucks. Dude, I'm happy with my Iced Peach Green Tea Lemonade. Don't try to ruin this for me.

5. Ringo sending me all those texts saying, "Top 5 Things To Do In England During The Summer". I've lived here all my life. Please. Stop being geographically confused.

And so, without service, I don't get Ringo's texts. Booyah.

See how this could be a positive opportunity for me? I can be a vampire all day and chill in the study with no wifi and-

Who am I kidding, I'm going back to the living room. I can't watch Python without reception.