Kept in Dark

Birthday Night

As the elevator doors open, I see a line of sneakers, heels, and loafers lined up in front of my doorway. Some of the pairs are strewn about, while others are organized neatly. I quickly see why everyone is at home, especially at this time of day. In a few hours, it will be my eighteenth birthday. I groan and then press the doorbell. I detest birthdays and other holidays. To put it simply, I hate being around people. When I ring the doorbell, there is immediately absolute silence on the other side of the door. I knock twice on the door and ring the doorbell once more. The same quietness. I sigh loudly.

I try to keep my irritation hidden from the world by closing my eyes, taking a single deep breath, and then pushing open the door. It is dark. All of the white transparent drapes are drawn down to block the streetlight's orange glow. I can plainly make out the numerous shadows swarming the living room and their hazy movements.

"Please turn on the lights, you know I hate such shitty things," no one moves an inch so I add, "it's dark. Please?"

As they approach the switchboard and flip a switch, I hear someone exhale heavily. A brief period of flickering precedes the light's activation. I finally recognize everyone. My close friends, cousins, family, and Calvin. Everyone is wearing birthday hats, and the room is decked with bunting and silver helium balloons. I shut the door behind me as I enter with a smile.

"Come on Cassidy..why do you always have to ruin everything? You could've pretended the least?" My cousin Giselle snaps at me as she takes off her birthday hat. 

"You want me to fake it, huh?" I ask while locking the door. 

All of them are looking at me with dismay as I turn around and face them. I'm not sure if I should say or do something. What else was I expected to do? It's not my fault that I feel suffocated by darkness. While a part of me wanted to cheer them up, another part of me didn't give a damn.

"Okay, okay. Fine then, surprise me with gifts..Or let's go out for dinner."

The last line made everyone's faces glow. I was surprised at how well things went, as if I always go out with this many people. I only leave the house to attend my classes. My family, Giselle, and my boyfriend Calvin make up the small circle of people I actually socialize with. I want to vomit at the notion of going out with all of them.

Calvin arrives and joins me as the others are occupied choosing where to eat. I turn to face him while attempting to calm myself. "I can give you mine, if you want," he murmurs as he grinned at me and leaned very close to my ears.

His voice is simultaneously innocent and cheeky. I fix my gaze on him. He approaches me and grabs my hand. My adrenaline is surging to its highest level right then. I shut my eyes and exhale.. 

"Really?" He nods to my question and continues,  "I don't like making you wait." 
"Fine then," I close my eyes and put my hands forward,"go on, where's the gift?"

I take a moment or two to wait before opening my eyes. He begins to laugh.

"Gift awaits for you at your room." 

I dash inside of my room. I open the door and turn on the light to discover a black bag on my bed with the instructions to "wear it for the night" written on a sticky note.

I pull up the packet to reveal a dress within. I haven't worn a dress since turning fifteen. He gave me a stunning silver sequin dress, but it makes me feel far too exposed when I'm wearing it. My hands, arms, legs, and a portion of my back are all visible. I spend some time gazing in the mirror. How am I going to walk around with this on? I only ever wear clothing that almost completely encloses my entire body. It is very revealing.  

My memory immediately flashes back to my last birthday celebration, which was a mess.I make the decision to leave my room after what seemed like an eternity.

Everyone is staring at me, and there is Calvin, standing in the background with his mouth open and eyes wide.

After what seems like forever, we make the decision to visit Diner's Inn. Though it is one of my favorite restaurants, I haven't been there in a while. We start eating as soon as the cake is cut, the candles are blown out, and our dinner is served. T he waiter soon shows up with drinks. The speaker is playing all of my favorite songs, including Por Primera Vez by my favorite artist Camilo. We all assemble on the dance floor and begin moving our bodies to the beat. Asa creates his own twerking moves while Giselle and Elora get started. Calvin observes me the entire time while sipping his drink as everyone else is dancing.

"Wanna dance?" I ask, trying my best to not fall. 
"Nah. I don't dance." He opens his mouth to say something but then hesitates for a while.

I keep a sharp gaze on his face as I try to decipher what is going through his mind. He returns the gaze. After a brief pause, he turns away and talks in a tremulous tone.

"Uhh, would you like to go to the roof?" 
"Sure." 

He takes my hand and we walk to the rooftop. It is utterly silent and peaceful. I watch the stars sparkle every time I blink my eyes. The gin and tonic I had earlier seems to have made me tipsy. 

"Happy Birthday Cassidy," he scoots closer and hugs me from behind, "do you like it?"
"The view?" I ask.
"Yeahh..the view." 
"Yes, I guess so." I close my eyes, inhaling the air that smells of his perfume. 

Although Calvin and I are dating since the last two years, we never had a proper relationship like normally people do, however now it feels a bit strange being this close to him.

None of us utter a single word. We are standing still and breathing heavily, not knowing what to do or say. He turns me around to face him. Slowly his grip onto my waist tightens a little. His hands slip underneath my top and onto my bare skin, making circles with his warm fingers. I have no idea of what is going on inside his brain. He leans towards my neck, takes a deep sniff and places a kiss onto my neck while his fingers reach the side of my bra and slightly under it. That is it. My hands turn cold and starts shaking. Goosebumps appear all over my body. Before realizing what is happening, I push Calvin away.

He looks shocked and surprised. He rushes towards me and starts apologizing. I slap him and push him away. 

"Don't touch me Calvin! Stay away!" I shout. 

I lose control over myself and begin screaming and yelling. It takes me a while to calm down. 

Once I am all calm and composed, I notice everyone has gathered at the rooftop and are staring at me with pitiful eyes. Calvin looks hurt and angry. I feel lost and confused. I run to the restroom, place my bag onto the sink and quickly put three Prozacs into my mouth and drink way too much water to swallow it. How miserable my life has become, I wonder.