What a jerk

A Friday night

A noise wakes me up. I sit up and listen. Did I just hear something or was that a dream? There it is again. I turn on the light. Someone’s at the door. I take a look at my alarm clock. 2 am.

I get up and open my bedroom door, sticking my head out. Another knock. I try to make no noise as I slowly go towards the door. Who is that in the middle of the night? Did Scott forget his keys? As I see Chris through the peephole I shiver. Did something happen to Scott? I open the door. “What are you doing here, is everything okay?” I ask him. He bites his lip. “Is… is Scott here? His phone is turned off.” he says. He looks horrible. “No, he is at a friends place. What is wrong?” I ask again. Chris sighs heavily and runs his fingers through his hair. “Damn it.”

“What is wrong?” I ask again, he is making me nervous. “Nothing, I just… look I am sorry I woke you up, I better go, I just wanted to talk to Scott.” I am confused. He turns around to leave, but I hold him back. “Chris, please come in. Tell me what’s wrong.” He hesitates. I try to smile at him and pull him in gently. I close the door and tell him to follow me into the living room. He bites his lip as he is sitting down. I take a seat next to him, and I suddenly feel stupid in my old pajamas. Oh well, whatever.

“I am sorry I woke you up” he repeats. “It’s ok… don’t you wanna tell me what’s going on? You are scaring me.” I tell him. He leans back and closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath. “I know you know about those anxiety attacks I get sometimes” he starts, his eyes closed. Yes I do. I have heard him and Scott talk about it several times. Chris was not one to hide that. He opens his eyes and looks down on his hands. “I just arrived at the airport from New York. I had this stupid press thing today, and I kind of panicked.” he says. “I didn’t want to be alone. I thought Scott might be home.”

I feel so sorry for him. I have never seen him like that, so sad and kind of helpless. He is always the funny one, always the loudest one, and here he is now, sitting on my couch like a little scared child. I get closer to him and put my hand on his shoulder. “Do you wanna talk about it?” I ask him. He smiles, but doesn’t look at me. “You must think I am an idiot” he says. “No. Not at all. I think you are just being a human being right now.” 

Chris looks at me. “It’s just so much pressure. Everybody wants a piece of me. It’s just too much at the moment.” he says and his eyes are watering. Wow. Emotions. Haven’t seen that with him before. “I am so sorry Chris….” I take his hand. He squeezes mine. “Thank you.” he whispers. He sighs and looks at me. “Do you think I could… I could stay here tonight?” I swallow. I know he just means he wants to stay on the couch, or Scotts room. I am not a fool. He just needs comfort. From a friend, and I will be his friend. “Of course you can, Chris." He bites his lip. “Okay.” He tries to smile and gives me a hug. “I will let you go back to bed” he says. “Thank you.”

“If you need anything, you know where to find me” I tell him and get up. I feel kind of helpless. I hesitate and turn to face him. “Seriously, if you feel bad, just wake me up, okay?” Chris nods and gets up as well, then walks towards Scotts room.

I try to get comfortable in my bed again, but it’s not working. Not if I know that Chris is going through something. Should I have done more? Could I have done more? I ponder. And then I hear him. Scotts bed is right behind the wall, the walls are thin, so I can hear him. Is he…. my god, he is crying. This breaks my heart. I sit up. What am I supposed to do? Sit here and act like it’s not happening? I can’t. I can’t do that. I get up and walk towards Scotts room, and I slowly open the door. Chris is sitting on the bed, his head resting on the headboard. He is only wearing boxers. His jeans, his shirt are on the floor. He has his hands on his face and is sobbing. “Chris…” I softly say. He does not look at me. “Please leave me alone” he whispers. Hell no. I sit down next to him. I don’t care what he might think. Nobdoy should cry alone. I just pull him close, wrapping my arms around his body. “Come here.”