half way through year 9, i started associating with the "weird kids" of the school, sometimes sitting with them rather than Zara's group of nice kids who never talked to me
i ended up staying with one of the "weird kids", Zoe, when i left home for a bit, later in the year
i still hated myself, for being too pale, too fat, too ugly, not smart enough
i think i stopped crying myself to sleep at that halfway point in yr 9
around the same time, i decided to start playing this game again, and i found myself being offered a position in one of the top 25 alliances for Australia
i complained about not wanting to associate with my family in the chat once, and a member told me to "keep my head up" while a few others wished me well and tried lightening the conversation
one of the ones who was online but did not console me in the main chat, messaged me privately, saying "as (he) said, keep your head up"
that lead to more talking, and eventually i got discord to make the communication between us easier
he also self harmed, and his taste in music was similar, and he had a good sense of humour, and he paid attention to me
he said he cared about me, and so asked that i stop self harming, and said that he would too
-- also point: he's 2 months older than me so it's not weird
in year 10, i told Liam about the extent of my family problems, and in march, we began dating
even though i'm a bad person and he's almost an angel
yeah i don't get it
year 10, i also started not doing school work
for the past three years, i would procrastinate and then the night before it was due I would get so stressed that i'd finish it all at once
now, I procrastinated, and the night before it was due, i decided eh fuck it, its not worth anything anyways
even when it was worth 25% of my grade
suicide became more and more appealing, even though i now had a solid reason to not
avoiding self harm also got more difficult, until i relapsed
and so now, here i am
i want to die
i have someone to live for
i still self harm when it gets bad
i wish my family was dead
