Pushin' Me Away • {Joe Jonas}

04. s t i l l . l o v e . h i m

tw: this chapter has mentions of rape!!

Nick and Lex had started hooking up casually when they were both single a few years after she and Joe broke up. It hadn't been on purpose necessarily; they'd been drunk the first time, waking up confused together in bed. After that, it had just kind of come naturally somehow. They weren't together and didn't want to be; Nick had just become sort of a source of comfort in a world where Lex didn't find much comforting at all, and she hoped she served as the same for him. Joe didn't know, of course. Lex wasn't sure he'd even care, but she'd always been terrified of him finding out. Nick seemed indifferent about it.

When Nick finally knocked on her front door a few hours later, she was already mostly drunk. He let himself in the house when she didn't answer the door and found her upstairs in her bedroom.

"Hey, Lexy. What's going on?" he asked her quietly, taking off his shoes and jacket and slipping under the covers and into her bed beside her. "You okay?"

"N-no," she slurred, shaking her head dramatically. "I almost... almost told him today. I wanted to tell him so... so badly, you know? He looked so sad and I just wanted to tell him. But I couldn't. I'm... I'm just a coward."

"Tell who what? Lex, I don't know what you're talking about, babe," he said, raising an eyebrow and shaking his head.

"I was raped, Nick," she whispered, drunkenness clouding her brain just enough to let the words slip through her lips. Once they were out in the world, she desperately wished she could pull them back somehow.

"What? When? Where? What?" Nick asked her rapid-fire, concern etched into his features. "Are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital?"

She shook her head.

"It wasn't recently. I... it was that night at the club when Joe and I were still together, remember? The night he insisted on going to the club even though we were underage and even though I didn't particularly want to? The night he took me home early and I wouldn't talk to him? He always said it was the beginning of the end of our relationship, and it was... he just never knew the real reason why," she rambled, speaking quickly and quietly to try and ensure she wouldn't get nervous and stop in the middle.

Suddenly she didn't feel the weight of her drunkenness anymore and longed for its return. She wanted that numbness, but instead she was crying and wasn't sure when it had started. Tears poured down her cheeks and sobs made it hard to breathe.

"I, uh... he and I got separated shortly after we got there, and I started to panic. He went to get drinks or something, but I lost track of him. As I was running around looking for him, this guy recognized me from Disney or whatever and he wouldn't leave me alone. I was scared and tried to deflect him but it didn't work. He was way bigger and stronger and he overpowered me easily. No one around us even noticed that I was screaming over the music. He took me to the bathroom, and... I'm sure you can guess how it ended," she told him through sobs, her eyes closed as she relived the memories that haunted her dreams.

"That's why suddenly you didn't like to be touched anymore, why you were nervous around us out of nowhere?" Nick questioned her quietly, and when she glanced up into his dark eyes, there were tears in them. She nodded.

"I... I couldn't let him touch me in the same way anymore. I felt broken, like something inside of me was wrong and I didn't know how to fix it. I thought it would go away if I just didn't acknowledge it. I didn't mean for it to end our relationship, I just wanted to feel better. But it got to a point where the only time I felt alive is when he and I were arguing. I couldn't fuck him, couldn't let him touch me the same way as he had before, but I could argue with him. In some fucked up way, I thought it's what would keep us together, but obviously that was completely deluded. I couldn't tell him. I couldn't tell anyone. I just wanted it to go away," she sobbed, and Nick reached for her slowly, gently. She fell into his arms, crying into his sturdy chest.

"Oh, baby. I'm so sorry, Lexy. I'm so sorry that happened to you," Nick soothed quietly, one hand smoothing her hair while the other rubbed small circles into her back. "I'm so sorry, baby."

"I still love him, Nicky," she whispered into his chest, shaking her head. "I never stopped."

"I know," he told her simply, nodding.

"You do?" she asked, pulling away enough to look him in the eye. He nodded again.

"Of course I do. We all always knew that something awful must've happened to you in that club. There's no other reason you would've completely turned around on him like you did; you guys were the most obnoxiously cute couple I'd ever seen, and we all knew you loved him," he said, shrugging. She'd never really thought about anyone else having the notion about something bad happening in the club, but she supposed it was probably common sense.

Of course something had happened in the club. She wondered absently why Joe had never really asked about it, but knew it had probably been because he'd never been one to push her to talk about anything she didn't want to.

"What about you and I then? Why'd you let it happen if you knew I was in love with Joe?" she asked, genuinely curious.

"Because I knew that you hadn't been comforted by anyone or anything in a long time, and if you felt comfortable with me, I wanted to be there for you. I just wanted you to feel okay, and if I could give that to you, I wanted to. Plus I mean it's not like I didn't have fun, because I definitely did," he said, smiling.

She smiled back at him, shaking her head. She kissed him deeply, her arms finding their way around his neck. He held her tightly, kissing her back. When they pulled apart she settled back into his chest, falling asleep a while later to the sound of his heartbeat and steady breathing.