THE CHAPTERS: life lessons

Chapter 8

ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ
Fear

What if we started taking some chances, if we stepped into our fears? What if we went further, if we were to pursue our dreams, fol- low our desires? And what if we allowed our- selves to experience love freely and to find fulfillment in our relationships? What kind of world would this be? A world without fear. It may be hard to believe, but there is so much more to life than we let ourselves experience. So much more is possible when fear no longer holds us captive. There is a new world outside of us and inside of us-one where there is less fear-just waiting to be discovered. Fear is a warning system that, on a primal level, serves us well. If we're walking late at night in a dangerous part of town, fear warns us to be on guard against the genuine possi- bility of trouble. In potentially dangerous sit- uations, fear is a sign of health. It is a protector.
Without it we would not survive long.
But it's easy to experience fear where there is no danger. That kind of fear is made up, it's not real. The feeling may seem real, but it has no basis in reality. Still, it keeps us up at night, it keeps us from living. It seems to have no purpose and no mercy, it paralyzes us and weakens the spirit when left unattended. It's summed up by the acronym FEAR, which stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. This type of fear is based in the past and triggers fear of the future. These invented fears do serve a purpose: They give us the opportunity to learn to choose love. They are cries from our soul for growth, for healing. They are opportunities to choose again. To do it differently, to choose love over fear, reality
over illusion, now over the past. For the pur- poses of this chapter, and our happiness, when we refer to fear we're talking about these invented fears that make our lives less worth living.
If we can find our way through our fears, if we can take advantage of so many opportunities, we can live the lives we've only dreamed about. We can live free of judgment, without fearing the disapproval of others, without holding back.
Much of what life hands us comes without the prelude of fear and worry. Our fears don't stop death, they stop life. More than we care to admit, more than we even know, our lives are devoted to dealing with fear and its effects. Fear is a shadow that blocks every- thing: our love, our true feelings, our happi-
ness, our very being.
A child grew up in a foster home facility
under the care of a couple who were abusive. The boy finally heard that he would be going to a wonderful new home with parents who would love him. He would live in a nice home, have his own room and even a TV, but he cried in fear. He knew the situation he lived in; as bad as it was, it had become familiar. The new home, on the other hand, was full of unknown dangers. He had lived in fear so long he could not see a future without it.
We are all like this child. Raised in fear, we see only fear in the future. Our culture sells fear. Watch the little commercials that tell you what will be on the local evening news: "Why the food you're eating may be danger- ous!" "Why the clothes your child is wearing may not be safe." "Why your vacation this year could kill you-a special report at six."
But how much of what we fear is going to happen? The truth is, there really isn't a big correlation between what we fear and what happens to us. The reality is that the food we eat is safe, our children's clothes will not sud- denly catch fire, and our vacations will be fun.
Still, our lives are often governed by fear. Insurance companies bet us that most of what we worry about will never happen. And they win, to the tune of billions of dollars each year. The point is not that we shouldn't have insurance. The point is this: Odds are, we will have great fun participating in challenging sports. The chances are good we will survive and possibly even thrive in the business world, despite taking a few risks and occasionally stumbling. And we'll have fun and meet lots of nice people at social gatherings. Yet most of us live our lives as if the odds are stacked against us. One of our biggest challenges here is to try to overcome these fears. We are pre- sented with so many opportunities and we need to learn to make the most of them.
We're afraid of many things in life, such as public speaking, dating, and even admitting we're lonely sometimes. In many cases it's easier not to try rather than to be rejected and deal with the feelings underneath. Indeed, fears are tricky because they are so well lay- ered, one on top of the other. Each can be peeled away until you get down to the bottom fear, the foundation on which all the others rest. And that's usually the fear of death.
Suppose you're extremely worried about a project at work. Peel away that fear and underneath you'll find the fear of not doing well. Underneath that you'll find successive layers: fear of not getting the raise, of losing your job, and then finally fear of not surviv- ing, which is essentially the fear of death. The fear of not surviving underlies many of our financial and job-related fears.
Suppose you're afraid to ask someone out on a date. Beneath that fear is the fear of rejection, and underneath that is the fear that there won't be someone for you. Underneath that is the fear that you're unlovable, and if you're not loved, can you possibly survive? When people have inadequacies, the bottom- line fear is "I'm not enough." Why do people stand in comers at parties not tallung to any- one? Because they fear they're not good at meeting and talking to others at parties, which means they fear they're not enough.
Other people are charming enough, other people are pretty enough, sweet enough, interesting enough, but these people fear they
are not.
It all boils down to the fear of death,
arguably the cause of most of our unhappi- ness. We unknowingly harm our loved ones out of fear; we hold ourselves back person- ally and professionally for the same reason. Since every fear has its roots in the fear of death, learning to relax about the fear sur- rounding death will allow us to face every- thing else with greater ease.
The dying are facing that ultimate fear, the fear of death. They are facing that fear and they realize that it does not crush them, that it has no more power over them. The dying have learned that fear doesn't matter; but for the rest of us, it is still very real.
If we could literally reach into you and remove all your fears-every one of them- how different would your life be? Think about it. If nothing stopped you from follow- ing your dreams, your life would probably be very different. This is what the dying learn. Dying makes our worst fears come forward to be faced directly. It helps us see the different life that is possible and, in that vision, takes the rest of our fears away.
Unfortunately, by the time the fear is gone most of us are too sick or too old to do those things we would have done before, had we not been afraid. We become old and ill with- out ever trying our secret passions, finding our true work, or becoming the people we'd like to be. If we did the things we're longing to do, we would still be old and ill one day- but we would not be filled with regrets. We would not be ending a life half-lived. Thus, one lesson becomes clear: we must transcend our fears while we can still do those things we dream of.
To transcend fear, though, we must move somewhere else emotionally; we must move into love.
Happiness, anxiety, joy, resentment-we have many words for the many emotions we experience in our lifetimes. But deep down, at our cores, there are only two emotions: love and fear. All positive emotions come from love, all negative emotions from fear. From love flows happiness, contentment, peace, and joy. From fear comes anger, hate, anxiety, and guilt.
It's true that there are only two primary emotions, love and fear, but it's more accu- rate to say that there is only love or fear, for we cannot feel these two emotions together, at exactly the same time. They're opposites. If we're in fear, we're not in a place of love. When we're in a place of love, we cannot be in a place of fear. Can you think of a time when you've been in both love and fear? It's impossible.
We have to make a decision to be in one place or the other; there is no neutrality in this. If you don't actively choose love, you will find yourself in a place of either fear or one of its component feelings. Every moment offers the choice to choose one or the other. And we must continually make these choices, especially in difficult circumstances when our commitment to love, instead of fear, is chal- lenged.
Having chosen love doesn't mean you will never fear again. In fact, it means many of your fears will come up to finally be healed. This is an ongoing process. Remember that you will become fearful after you've chosen love, just as we become hungry after we eat. We must continually choose love in order to nourish our souls and drive away fear, just as we eat to nourish our bodies and drive away hunger. Just like Troy caring for Jackie; he continually chose kindness over fear. He decided to serve something greater than his fear; he chose to serve another human being in need. It doesn't mean his fear won't come up again. Whenever his fear returns, he will have to return to love in the present moment.
All of our invented fears involve either the past or the future; only love is in the present. Now is the only real moment we have, and love is the only real emotion because it's the only one that occurs in the present moment. Fear is always based on something that hap- pened in the past and causes us to be afraid of something we think may happen in the future. To live in the present, then, is to live in love, not fear. That's our goal, to live in love. And we can work toward that goal by learn- ing to love ourselves. Infusing ourselves with love begins the washing away of our fears.
We all live with the possibility of death, but the dying live with the probability. What do they do with that heightened awareness? They take more risks, because they haven't anything to lose anymore. Patients at the edge of life will tell you that they find incred- ible happiness in realizing that there is noth- ing to fear, nothing to lose. It is fear itself that brings us so much unhappiness in life, not the things we fear. Fear wears many disguises- anger, protection, self-sufficiency. We must turn our fear into wisdom. Step forward a lit- tle every day. Practice doing the small things that you are afraid of doing. Your fear only holds enormous power over you when not challenged. Learn to use the power of love and kindness to overcome fear.
Compassion can help you harness your love and kindness when you're faced with fear. The next time you're afraid, have com- passion.
If you are around someone who is sick, even with something minor such as a cold, you may want to distance yourself because you're afraid you'll catch it. Instead, have compassion-you know what it's like to have a cold.
If you are stopped because you're afraid that you or what you've done isn't good enough, have compassion for yourself. Sup- pose you've prepared a report on your great new idea but are afraid to show it to your boss. You might be thinking, "I'm afraid she'll hate the report, I'm not good enough, I'll get fired." If you give your attention to these fears, they grow and expand. But suppose you had compassion for yourself. Suppose you acknowledged that you're doing the best you can and that you prepared the report with care, which is all that matters. If your mind goes to your boss's reaction, have compassion for her knowing that she just wants to do her job well and is doing the best she can. If you do that, you'll be introducing compassion and love to dissipate your fear. You will be surprised how compassion melts away fear.
If you're afraid to speak to people at social or business gatherings because you don't know them, remember that most of the other people are in the same situation. They don't know everyone present, they're afraid no one will want to speak to them, some of them would rather sneak out and go home. Remind yourself that they would like to be treated with compassion, just as you would. Having compassion for them takes you out of your fear. You'll find you're able to approach peo- ple more easily if you have compassion for them, as well as for yourself.
If we can understand that everyone else is a little frightened on the inside, just as we are, we can begin to live with more compassion and less fear. Inside the boss or the sick per- son or the partygoers are people who have fears, just as you do, and deserve compas- sion, just as you do.
If you live in fear, you are not really living. Any thought you have either reinforces your fear or enlarges your love. Love grows more love, it expands itself. Fear grows more fear, especially when it is hidden. You also create more fear when you act from fear.
True freedom is found in doing the things that scare us the most. Take a leap and you will find life, not lose it. Sometimes living a safe life, with lots of respect for all our fears, wor- ries, and anxieties, is the most dangerous thing we can do. Don't make fear a permanent part of your life: letting go, or at least living in spite of fear, surprisingly and paradoxically, returns you to a place of safety.You can learn to love without hesitation, to speak without caution, and to care without self-defensiveness.
Once we are on the other side of our fears, we find new life. Ultimately, love becomes letting go of our fears. As Helen Keller said, "Life is either a daring adventure or it's noth- ing." If we can learn these lessons of fear, we can lead a life of awe and wonder. A life beyond our dreams, without fear.