THE CHAPTERS: life lessons

Chapter 14

ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ
Happiness

Something about the meaning of life changes when you realize deeply that it won't last for- ever. The opposite is also true: it is not unusual to hear from people in remission that they were actually happier when they thought their days were numbered. We bring a deeper com- mitment to our happiness when we fully understand, as Terry did, that our time left is limited and we really need to make it count.
Most of us think of happiness as a reaction to an event, but it is actually a state of mind that has very little to do with what is going on around us. Plenty of people have been sure they would be absolutely happy when they got or did something, only to become unhappy when the great event occurred. We have seen over and over that lasting happiness is not found in winning the lottery, having a beautiful body, or eliminating wrinkles. All these things are temporarily elating, but the thrill quickly wears off and we are soon as happy or unhappy as we were before.
The good news is we have been given all we need to make us happy; the bad news is we often don't know how to use what we've been given. Our minds, our hearts, and our souls have been fully coded for happiness; all the wiring is built-in. Everyone is capable of finding happiness. All he or she has to do is look for it in the right places.
While happiness is our natural state, we've been trained to feel more comfortable with unhappiness. In a strange way we are not used to happiness: at times it feels not only unnat- ural but undeserved. That's why we often find ourselves thinking the worst about someone or some situation. It's also why we must work to feel good about being happy and why we must commit ourselves to happiness.
Part of the work is accepting the belief that finding happiness is essentially our purpose of life. Many people recoil at such a thought, saying such an approach is self-centered and uncaring. Why do we resist the idea that the purpose of life is being happy?
We feel guilty being happy, and we wonder how we can strive to be happy when so many people are less fortunate than we are. Or, as someone bluntly put it, "Why should you be happy?"
The answer is that you are God's precious child. You were meant to enjoy all the won- ders around you. And remember that you have more to give to others, to the suffering, when you are happy. When you have enough and are content, you will not act from a place of need or lack. You will feel that you have a little extra to give to those around you, that you can afford to share more of your time, yourself, your money, and your happiness.
In reality, happy people are the least self- absorbed and self-centered among us. They often volunteer their time and provide service to others, they are often kinder, more loving, forgiving, and caring than their unhappy counterparts. Being unhappy leads to selfish behavior, while happiness expands our capac- ity to give.
True happiness is not the result of an event, it does not depend on circumstance. You, not what's going on around you, determine your happiness.
Happiness depends not on what happens, but on how we handle what happens. Our hap- piness is determined by how we interpret, per- ceive, and integrate what happens into our state of mind. And how we perceive things is determined by our commitment. This is where balance comes in, learning our lessons and remembering the truth about each other. Are we committed to seeing the worst in people and situations, or the best? What we commit to, what we turn our attention to, grows. So the best or the worst grows within our interpreta- tions, and within ourselves. If we see the past in a bad light, as lacking purpose or meaning, we plant the seeds that will grow into similar futures. This is why we refer to the past as our baggage-it's something heavy to carry around. By any name, it is that part of our- selves that continues to weigh us down and slows our progress toward happiness.
Happiness is our natural state, but we've forgotten how to be happy because we've gotten lost in our notions of what things should look like.
Think about the advice we've all heard: "Just try to be happy." The trying gets in the way of the feeling. We become happy gradu- ally, not by simply learning some techniques or attending a "happiness creating" event. Happiness comes from experiencing moments of happiness-hopefully more and more of these. One day you'll realize that you had five minutes of happiness. Then, before you know it, you've had an hour of happiness, then an evening, and later a full day of happiness.
Making comparisons is probably the short- est route to unhappiness. We can never be happy if we compare ourselves to others. No matter who we are, what we have, or what we can do, we're always less than someone else in one way or another. The richest person in the world isn't the best looking; the best- looking person in the world doesn't have the biggest muscles; the one with the biggest muscles doesn't have the best spouse; the person with the best spouse doesn't have a Nobel prize; and on and on. With little effort, we can quickly compare ourselves into downright misery. We don't even need others for these self-destructive comparisons; com- paring ourselves to our past or future can do the same thing. Happiness comes from see- ing ourselves as being okay, just as we are, today, without comparison to others, without reference to the way we were or the way we fear we will be.
That "Why me?" feeling that comes from seeing ourselves as victims of circumstance keeps us stuck in unhappiness because it tells us to interpret everything bad as a personal affront. A sense of victimization comes from thinking that everything happens to us. There's loss and recovery, sunshine and rain-it is not personally against us. Even when someone hurts us, it's often not about us at all. Under- standing this helps us move away from feeling victimized. Remember, your emotions and your reality are determined by your thoughts, not the other way around. You are not a victim of the world.
We live and travel in the Land of When, telling ourselves that we will be happy when certain things happen: when I start the new job, when I find the right mate, when the kids are grown. We're usually greatly disappointed to find that getting the things we were waiting for doesn't make us happy, so we choose a new set of "whens": when I get seniority, when we have our first child, when the kids get into good colleges. Getting our whens never pleases us for long. We must choose happiness over when. When is now. Happiness is just as possible with this set of circumstances as it is with the next.
Often we don't see a situation as it truly is. Instead, we focus on our image of what the situation "should" look like, or how it should be. By projecting our "shoulds" onto circum- stances, we deny the truth. We see illusions. To see the truth is to know that no matter what may be happening, the universe is moving in the direction it is supposed to. That is why we can be in discourse, but our destiny is never off course. Whether the events in our own lives are the best or the worst, the world is set up to work, it is coded in a way that brings us to our lessons. It is designed to move us to joy, not away from it, even when we think things are going in the wrong direction. There is no problem or situation that God cannot deal with. The same is true for us.
We think we will be happy when we get rid of problems or get past life's uncomfortable times. We want to live our lives in balance, but what we think of as balance is not balance at all. In fact, it's is very much out of balance. There is no good without bad, no light with dark, no day without night, no dawn without dusk, no perfection without imperfection. And we live in the midst of these opposites, these contradictions, these paradoxes.
We are a mass of contradictions. Always trying to be more, yet trying to accept and love ourselves just as we are. Trying to accept the reality of the human experience while knowing that we are also spiritual beings. We suffer, yet we can rise above our suffer- ing. We experience loss, yet we feel love for- ever. We take life for granted, yet we know it does not last. We live in a world filled with less and more, with cycles of scarcity and abundance, big and small. If we can recognize these oppositions, we will be happier.
Our part of this universe is always in balance, it just may not seem so to us.
Part of dealing with this balance means understanding that life does not revolve around our big moments: the promotion, the wed- ding, the retirement, and the cure. Life also occurs between the big moments. Much of what we need to learn is found in the small moments of life.
Most of my time is filled with just existing. If this is going to be it, I hope I die soon.As I mentioned, I often feel like a plane stuck on a runway. I would rather either go back to the gate, meaning get better, or finally take off. If I had my choice, I would live, but that would mean walking again, being able to work in my garden-being able to do the things I love doing. If I'm going to be alive, I want to live.
I am just existing now, not living. But even in just existing, there are small moments of happiness. I'm happy when my children come to visit, and especially happy when I can play with my new granddaughter, Sylvia. And Anna, the woman who cares for me now, also makes me happy, she makes me laugh. These small moments make just existing bearable.
One of the greatest paradoxes we wrestle with is our own dark or shadow sides. We often try to get rid of them, but the belief that we can banish our "dark sides" is unrealistic and inauthentic. We need to find a balance between our own opposing forces. The bal- ancing act is difficult, but a part of life. If we can see this as an experience as natural as night following day, we will find more con- tentment than if we try to pretend that night will never come. Life has storms. Storms always pass. Just as there has never been a day that did not give way to night or a storm that lasted forever, we move back and forth on this pendulum of life. We experience the good and the bad, the day and the night, the yin and the yang. We often teach just what we need to learn.
We live in these paradoxes, the many pushes and pulls. While it is true that our happiness does not depend on the external circum- stances, we balance that truth with the reality of this world. We are affected by what happens around us. It would be unrealistic to say to someone experiencing tragedy, "This shouldn't have any effect on you." It will take a toll. At the same time, when we are at our worst, we sometimes find our best. We do overcome tragedies, we d o go on to find hap- piness. The sun does break through the dark- ness. And in the midst of death, we sometimes find life.
We must do some learning in finding happi- ness-and some unlearning. We must train our minds to think in ways that are 180 degrees different from the ways the world has taught us. We must unlearn the negative ways of thinking. We must practice unlearning. By practice I don't mean practice being happy while walking in nature on a pleasantly cool, clear day. Practice being happy all the time, especially the next time circumstances are not terribly conducive to joy. Next time someone upsets you, practice happiness. Remain in the moment with them, hear what they are saying, see if it contains valuable information. But practice not letting it inter- fere with your state of mind.
Look at your patterns. Ask yourself which behaviors bring you to happiness, which deliver you to despair. Make changes, inter- nally and externally.Does feelingjealous bring you happiness? Does yelling at someone or really zinging him make you feel good for long? When you are thankful, how do you feel? When you perform a kind gesture for someone, do you feel happy?
If you find yourself in traffic, rather than cursing, look around and see that everyone is in the same boat. Think about how others feel. Practice being kind to others. For those who want to take the advanced course, practice lundness anonymously. Do something caring or compassionate for someone without ever telling anyone.
We all find happiness in different ways, and from different lessons. Life's answers are usu- ally simple. A kind woman in her mideighties named Patricia said it best. She seemed con- tent with life, she was the epitome of happi- ness. One day someone asked her, "Are you as happy as you appear?"
She smiled and said, "I have had a good life; that makes me happy. I learned years ago to choose the things in life that I can feel good about and that will last. I know that sounds simple, but that's how life is. So many situations present themselves. If I had experienced them before, I would remember how I felt about them afterward, either good about it or bad. I learned to choose the good. If I hadn't experienced a situation before, I would imag- ine how I would feel later after making a choice. So many times when I was unhappy, I realized I was about to make a choice that would make me feel worse afterward. I just finally learned to choose the one that made me feel good about life. Choose the ones that make you feel good about who you are, that make others feel good, that you can be proud of and that will last. Then you have chosen love, life, and happiness. It is just that simple."