into the night [cazzie]

twelve

CASEY HAD NEVER BEEN A FEELINGS PERSON. Even when she was just a kid, Casey understood that emotions were distracting. It wasn't that her parents forced her into being stoic; Casey just knew that feelings were messy and unnecessary, especially considering all the special circumstances of the Gardner family. So she learned to keep her mouth shut, and it was a skill that followed her into her teenage years.

While being able to control emotions made Casey very mature for her age, it also limited her in many ways. Evan had not been the first boyfriend she had struggled to connect with. They were all sweet and kind, but she remained impartial and aloof. After all, they were just boys, and they were just teenagers. Was there really supposed to be a soulmate-level connection with immature teenage boys? Casey didn't feel it, and she didn't really care enough to want it.

As a result, Casey's relationships were stunted, nothing more than a couple of dates, a month or two at best. Even though it wasn't always her fault she always knew that, deep down, she couldn't feel the connection she desired from these relationships. She was missing something.

Then came Izzie. The raven-haired mystery had totally changed Casey's life. She used to think she felt too little, but with Izzie, she felt too much. Every moment sparked something, good or bad. Every word Izzie said was taken to heart. Every smile made Casey's heart flutter. Every accidental touch turned her red. Everything.

Feeling all of that was a lot for Casey. Of course, Casey was over the moon to hear Izzie say that she liked her back, but she felt other things, too. Hesitation. Worry. Anxiety. She didn't know how to handle a real-life relationship. One where the two people actually care for one another. It was uncharted territory, and it sounded a lot more scary. There was a lot more room for error. More chances to hurt the other. And Casey didn't want to hurt Izzie. She would never want to.

So, subconsciously, Casey started to back out.

She let Izzie go off with Sawyer, and even though she knew what they were going to do, Casey blocked it out, ignoring any semblance of hurt she would've felt in any other case. She decided that she could control her feelings about Izzie just as she did with the rest of her emotions.

She also decided to talk with Evan. Even though she had been aggressive before, Casey realized that she pitied Evan, and that she didn't want him to feel too guilty, especially since she had secrets of her own, anyway. So she made up with him, and it was good. Though she knew she definitely didn't feel anything for him, she knew he was still an important part of her life, and she could never give that up.

After being caught with Evan, Casey expected some weirdness from Izzie. But Casey didn't expect Izzie to ask her if she still loved him. She looked at Izzie, into those brown eyes that usually filled her with warmth, but she could only see darkness and emptiness. How could they go from confessing feelings to this state of coldness within hours? For God's sake, Casey was in a hospital. She could barely move, but apparently she could cause this fight.

"Do I still... love him?" Casey asked, not bothering to hide her disbelief.

"That was the question," Izzie kept the hollow-eyed stare and expressionless face, not even letting her lips twitch. "Answer it."

"I... why do you..." she paused, trying to find the words. "Why?"

"Why?" Izzie repeated. "You wanna know why, Case?" Quickly, Izzie gave up on the aloof demeanor, instead nearly jumping out of anger. The tears had stopped, but the anger they were replaced with was worse.

Briefly, as Izzie began growing indignant, Casey thought about how she much liked it when Izzie called her Case. Newton was good for fun and games, but Case was endearing; it was sweet and, dare she say, girlfriend-ish. Even when she wasn't sure about her feelings, Casey loved these small things and quirks that only Izzie did. But "Case" was not a sweet, fun nickname in this context. Casey hated that she had to hear Izzie saying her name so angrily, as if Casey was the scum of the earth. So she bit her tongue, letting Izzie continue on her tirade.