cuts | 5sos

chapter two

It has been a whole week since I went shopping, and I was now at home with my laptop, scrolling through my social media. I sighed and stared at the tweets on my timeline, I was slightly bored and I wasn't even really reading them. 

I just stared at the screen until the doorbell rang, making me sigh. I put my laptop next to me and crawled out of my bed. I put on the hoodie that was on the end of my bed, I then got out of my room and walked down the stairs to open the door.

When I opened it, my mother stood in the door frame with her usual messed up expression. "Mum.." I sighed and looked at her, she was wearing a thin dress with a lace bra and ripped stockings. Her eyes were puffy and the black makeup was everywhere, just like her hair.

I grabbed her arms and helped her get inside, I then closed the door and helped her up the stairs. She smelled like alcohol and cigarettes. Her tiny body was easy to help up the stairs, I then helped her get into the tub and took off the few items of clothing she was wearing. "Please stop this," I whispered under my breath.

I threw her clothing on the ground and then turned on the hot water, she didn't move a muscle and just stared right in front of her. I slowly let the water run down her back and she then closed her eyes. I just grabbed the soap and washed her body. She was so skinny, I was truly scared that she hadn't eaten in days.

After a while, I turned off the water and grabbed a pair of soft towels to dry her body, I wrapped them around her and softly rubbed circles to make sure she was all clean. Usually my mum would turn up every once in a while, she'd grab money, shower and then she'd disappear again.

I helped her with getting up and then she used the little bit of power she had to help herself up, she put on the robe that hung on a hook on the door and then she walked downstairs, I followed her downstairs and she just sat down on the couch. I looked at her for a second and then I got her some water.

I grabbed water and an Advil and then I walked back over to the couch, she took it and gave me a really small smile. I sat down next to her and stared at her for a second. It was completely silent for a few minutes, until she coughed and I looked at her again, "I'm going to rehab." I widened my eyes, I was surprised and thankful.

"It didn't have to get this far, Hannah, I'm sorry." She said softly and finally dared to look me in the eyes, I couldn't make up if it was her being sorry, if it was pity for me or if it was just her obliviousness.

"They're picking me up tomorrow at noon." She spoke and then put the empty glass of water down. She then got up slowly and walked up the stairs, she was probably going to bed, finally resting. 

The tears rolled down my cheeks, I couldn't take it so I rushed up the stairs and ran in to my room. I locked my door in the process and I grabbed the knife I hid under my bed.

For two days, the knife had been untouched, and now it was time to use it again. I sobbed and let the cold metal touch my wrists more than once, I just stared at how the red lines on top of older scars turned red and got full of blood. 

Just a few more, it had to be a few more, until I let the knife fall on to the little rug in my bathroom. The white mini rug now had a stain on it, a deep red stain. The cuts were bloody and I let them soak in cold water for a while until I dried them and put bandages around them.

I sat back down on the closed toilet and let my head fall against the back. I am stupid, I just couldn't help it, I had to cut it and that was the only way that I was staying alive. It had gotten so bad, that my mother wasn't the only one with an addiction.

I was addicted, I had an addiction to cutting and slicing my wrists. I waited for a while and then I got up and put on my hoodie. I walked over to my mothers room and saw her sleeping in the bed. She definitely was asleep and I sighed. I softly sat down at the side of the bed, staring at her.