Black Swan

No. 10 Scène: Moderato

"What the fuck did you think you were doing?" I scream. I push him against the wall, letting the tears dampen my thick lashes. I want to punch him, I want to break his nose and feel his blood in between my fingernails, like I've dragged them through dirt. That's what he feels like now, at least to me. Dirt.

"Luhan, what are you talking about?" Kai asks. I slap him again, slamming his back against the wall. He cries out in surprise, holds his hands in front of his face as if to protect it. I knee him, rip his bleached blonde hair, and push him to the floor, hard. I kick him.

"Luhan stop! I don't know what you're talking about!" he screeches.

There are tears streaking their way down my cheeks. I let out a choked sob and he holds me, so close I can feel his chest rise and fall as he tries to steadily breathe. I want to push away but I can't. He has my hands in his, softly grasping them with care. He kisses my cheek, kisses my nose, kisses my forehead, then pulls me down to the floor. We sit together, he presses his head against my shoulder, pulling his knees up under his arms, sitting in an upright fetal position.

"Luhan, I don't know what's going on, but you missed rehearsal. Sehun made me fill in, but quite frankly I prefer you in the role. You're so much better than me."

I turn towards him, surprised. He stares at me, uncalculating, unassuming. He shuts his eyes tightly, opening them once again to squint up at me. He finds a stray strand of hair and brushes it from my cheek, tucking it behind my ear. He kisses me once again, on the lips this time. An arm wraps around my waist, somehow managing to find its way between the concrete wall and my back. I growl, my anger not quite subsided. There are still so many questions.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" I ask.

He looks at me questioningly, gulping nervously. He picks himself up off the ground, stepping back into the car park. There's a little railing off to the side, overlooking what would be rows of vehicles, but is, at the moment, just an empty car park, with white lines printed across dark, hard concrete.

"It's Swan Lake," he says, turning back towards me. I don't understand. I get up, stepping towards him. I breathe in, slowly exhale. My fingers find rust on the railing and I giggle, even as I press my fingers harder against the rust and it digs into my skin, drawing blood. Kai takes my hands in his, once again, a look of horror etched on his face. He prevents me from digging further, from ripping the skin on my palms and fingers red and raw.

"Luhan, I never went home with you," he says, and I can hear the guilt in his tone. He shakes his head, bends down to pick up a pebble, and tosses it down below. "I... I thought you would be ok," he whispers, and I barely catch it. The wind catches his words and tosses them up.

"I honestly thought you'd be ok to make it home after I called the cab for you... I didn't want to drive and I didn't think you should drive either. I went back and got your car the next morning, and I found out where you lived in the phone book so I drove it back. But then you were missing for a week. I had no idea what happened to you and Sehun kept moving in on me, wanting me to take your role, and I said I wouldn't." Kai turns to me, watching as the clogs turn in my mind. He looks at me with a mixture of concern and pity, and I can only stand there, unable to process what I'm hearing.

"You... you mean...?" I stutter.

"I never went with you," he says. "I realise now I should have, that you were my responsibility. But I thought you could handle it, Luhan. I didn't know it was your first time..." he trails off.

"My first time for what?" I ask, trying to think, my head still pounding.

"You know, ecstasy," he breathes. "The drug. We both took some at the club. It was going really great and you were loosening up, but then your roommate called. You broke down, said you needed to get back home. So I called the cab and you got in, and then I didn't hear from you for a week. I was worried sick, Sehun kept hounding me about it, said he saw me get into the car with you. I tried to call you, and I know he must have too. But you never answered..."

"I don't understand," I mumble. "You and Sehun had sex in the dance studio, I caught you. Kai, please tell me that was true, that what I saw was real, please... I..." I choke, stumbling on my words. I blink tears from my eyes, wiping them away with dirty fingers.

Calm down Luhan, I tell myself. Calm down and breathe. All I can remember is the dance steps, I try and shut everything else out. Ignore Kai, ignore what he has to say, I tell myself. I can't think, I can't breathe. My fingers leave his and I wrap them around my neck. I sink to the ground and try to inhale, exhale. Kai looks at me like he's scared. He tries to rub sympathetic circles into my back, holding me as close as possible to him. When I finally calm down he seems depressed, bitter even.

"Swan Lake is a cursed ballet," Kai says.

"There was once a lead that died on stage. She stabbed herself before the final movement and the number was so strenuous she died of blood loss. Ever since, it's been cursed. Anyone that takes the role of Odette ends up hospitalized or in some sort of mental trauma. Just last year a very close friend of mine committed suicide when he got the role."

"What? You're lying, Kai." I squeak, voice caught in the back of my throat. He shakes his head.

"I'm not lying," he responds, eyes darkening. "God Luhan, I wish I was. Because now Kyungsoo is dead, and I'm alone. But I don't want to be alone, Luhan. I don't want anyone else to die like he did. He went crazy. He tied a rope to the ceiling of our living room and hung himself, and that was that." He pauses, fingers clenching the railing. I can see this is hard for him, tearing him up inside. It's genuine. He's actually, genuinely scared.

"I didn't want to tell you all this, but now I have to. Because you're acting just like he did. He was convinced I was going to murder him and steal his role, so he killed himself, because he couldn't live thinking I hated him."

I want to scream. I want to grab Kai's head between my hands and smash it against the railing, watching as his blood spills over the concrete. I want to watch as his final breath leaves his body and his arms go limp, unmoving. He's lying, he has to be.

"I decided I would try and protect anyone I could from this role. I want to protect you Luhan, so I'm going to stay by your side until the end. I never slept with Sehun, at least not recently. I did in the past, to get my first role. Trust me when I say this, Luhan. I don't want it. I don't want to be Swan Queen. Because I know it will kill me, just like it killed Kyungsoo."

Kai takes my hands in his, clutching onto the front of my plain white shirt. He sobs against me and I quickly push him away, anger flaring. I kick him once more and he winces. I brush past him, shoving his shoulder against the railing. He lets out a whine as I march down the stairs, fumbling for the keys. I force my tired legs into the car, winding the window down, flicking my front lights on.

"It's just your superstition!" I shout back at him.

"You're trying to get me to give up the role because you want it, because you want Sehun! If you think you're going to coax it out of my fingers that easily, you're fucking wrong!"

And with that, I pull out of the car park and drive away, Kai's figure slowly receding in the mirror.