Black Swan

No. 14 Scène: Moderato

My breath catches in my throat as I step forward, arms outstretched. I arch my back, limbs screaming in agony as I stare out at the crowd. I can barely make out faces, beyond heavy strobe lighting, just lines of heads and shoulders, silhouettes against darkness. I seethe at them, hissing, though inaudible over the music. I need to let go.

I let my arms flay before me, my legs gliding across the floor. Elegant, restrained. But, in amongst all the refinement there must be a subtle edge. I go through the motions. Avant, triple jeté into a plié. Arabesque, facing the left of the stage. The prince moves around me but he is attracted to another dancer, Odile, who appears in my guise. I am frantic. I must warn him! My movements become more rapid as I step around him, arching my back into him, trying to tell him that Odile is not me.

There can only be one Swan Queen.

The movement ends in a flourish. I arch into one final arabesque, collapsing to the floor. I squint towards the crowd. Siegfried, the prince, rushes towards me, back to my lake, back to where the tears of my mother will turn be into a human at nightfall. And then the curtain drops. I get up, running from the stage. The applause is thunderous and rattles the ground. Sehun runs to me and takes me in his arms, twirling me about. He kisses me fully on the lips and I shrink away, rushing back down the corridor to my dressing room.

Stabbing pains run up my legs as I run, frantic to get back. Waves of nausea wash over me as I remember what I did. I killed him. I killed someone over something as stupid as a role. I wanted the role, and it's mine, but is it really worth killing someone over? I shake my head.

No, no it isn't.

But at the same time, Kai was terrifying. I remember vividly the black feathers that sprung from his shoulder blades, rough and coarse as he pressed against my skin. I remember the shudder that went through him, the glint in his eyes as he pressed his arm against my throat, blurring my vision.

I can't do it. I can't. Not anymore. I stumble around a corner and shriek in surprise as arms wrap around my middle pulling me back, hugging me close. There's a buzzing under the tanned skin and I know who it is before I even turn.

"Luhan, that was amazing, brilliant!" I gasp, tears pricking at my eyes. The arms let go of me and spin me around. I shake my head, terrified, not able to believe what I'm seeing.

"Kai?" I choke.

My eyes catch his and I think I will faint. Kai notices and wraps an arm around my waist, steadying me. I look into his eyes and they're normal, just the dark brown colour I've come to associate with Kai. Not red, not murderous. My breath hitches as I wrap my arms around his neck, holding him tight. Panic-stricken, I begin to hyperventilate. Kai presses me down to the floor, drawing my knees up and pushing my head between my legs. It helps, and my breathing steadies a little. I glance up at him, eyes bloodshot with tears streaking my face, leaving lines in the makeup.

"Luhan, breathe. In, out. Come on, slow it down. It's ok, it's me. I'm here..." Kai hugs me tight to him, picking me up off the ground. I barely process where he's taking me, not until a breath of freezing cold air hits my face and a door screeches behind me to a halt.

"It's ok, breathe," Kai continues. "I have Yixing's number, I can call him. He can come and help calm you down. Luhan, that was amazing! I've never seen you move like that before. It was flawless... But you're not ok. Seriously, you're not. What's going on? Why are you freaking out so much?"

"I can't do it!" I cry. "I can't do it with that in there!"

I rip my hand from his, running back down the corridors. He follows, quickly, his fingers fumbling across his phone screen. I hear him speaking frantically into it but I can't work out what he's saying. The only thing running through my mind is if that thing is still there, still in the storage cupboard. Am I imagining Kai? Is he following me or is he really dead? I finally make it to my dressing room and I scramble to the door, faltering as my fingers reach for the handle.

"Luhan, Luhan please, what's wrong?" I blink away tears as Yixing rushes into the room. He holds my face in his hands and brushes back tears with his soft digits. I collapse onto him, head resting on his chest. He breathes in my hair, running a hand through the locks as soothingly as he can. I point to the door of the storage cupboard, breathless. Kai steps towards it, pulling it open with a tug.

"There's nothing here," he says. I watch over Yixing's shoulder, stepping on the tips of my toes as Kai moves away from the door.

Empty.

"I..."

I hesitate. Is this the end? I want to stop dancing; I want to stop playing this stupid game because the game seems to be playing more and more with my head. I hold my head in my hands and sink to the tiles, brushing tears from my eyes. It can't be the end. To be on stage, to hear the applause... it's what I've always dreamed. I want this, I want to dance. I'm not crazy!

The mirror is still shattered.

I look down at my stomach, realizing for the first time that something's not quite right. I press the heel of my palm to my side, cursing as a warm liquid trickles out.

"Shit," Yixing breathes, clutching my hand in his. He doesn't seem fazed at all as my blood coats his fingers. Instead he applies pressure to my stomach, his free hand fumbling the floor for a clean towel, the towel that I had previously imagined cleaning the floor of Kai's blood with. He finds a spare pair of scissors on the bench and cuts away part of my costume, wrapping the towel tightly around my middle. I sigh, sinking lower and lower. Kai tells him an ambulance is on its way.

"Was I... was it a hallucination?" I ask. Yixing stares at me but Kai doesn't look surprised.

"Just like Kyungsoo," he breathes. He stoops down and kisses my cheek, pressing his palm to my forehead. He tilts my chin upwards, trying to catch my unfocused eyes with his. His shaking hands reach for mine, giving them a gentle squeeze.

"What did you see?" Kai asks.

"You," I whisper. "You, turning into a swan. Maybe not a swan... I... I don't remember clearly. But you had wings. Feathers. Black. I... you just... attacked..." My breathing falters, and Yixing quickly pushes Kai away.

"You need to stop talking, Luhan," he says, concern clearly evident in his tone.

"But... the production..." I breathe.

"No," Yixing responds, cutting me off. "You need to stop exerting yourself and wait. Kai and I will get you out of here, and we'll take you to a hospital. Who gives a fuck about this stupid ballet? Luhan, you're in serious trouble here!"

They carry me back to the exit, Yixing's arms looped under my arms and Kai's arms supporting my knees. They try and keep me as horizontally as possible, placing me down only when a stretcher is pushed underneath me. Yixing doesn't let go of my hand. Instead, he jumps into the ambulance behind me, signaling the driver to hurry.

"Kai," I whisper.

"I'm right here," Kai answers, grasping my hand.

"Take over," I murmur. "Become Odette. Be the Swan Queen. I know... you don't want to... but I can't. Tell Sehun... I can't. I'm done. Finished."

Kai looks shaken.

"But I can't!" he declares. "I'll... It'll kill me. I'll kill myself! I promised not to take that role ever after Kyungsoo. I promised myself, I promised him..."

"Please," I breathe.

He glances across at Yixing who nods, and he backs out of the vehicle, his feet sprinting across concrete. I flicker in and out of consciousness. I can't understand what's going on, what is real and what isn't. Yixing's tears drip down my cheeks as I stare up at him.

My breath shallows and finally evens out. I barely feel a thing as the paramedic jabs a needle into my wrist, barely hear the beeping of the heart monitor as it slows, faltering, before finally fading out. Out of the corner of my eye I see the straight red line. Yixing is screaming and crying above me but I can no longer register sound. My eyes roll back, my eyelids flutter shut.

Darkness.