Black Swan

No. 13 Dances of the Swans

Lies. I can't understand why people lie. What is the point of lying? It can only cause pain and destruction for all of those involved. For those that are lied to, it is their world that is shattered, like shards of glass falling from a mirror, punched by the mirror's owner in the despair of false hopes the lie comes to embody. For the person that lies it is probably much worse, because they create the lie and the lie somehow becomes their truth.

Swan Lake is composed of lies. Odette, my character, is the lead, a tragic heroine that is vulnerable, gentle, modest, and so warm-hearted and caring that she doesn't expect she'll be turned into a swan. And after that, she is tricked - lied to - by Rothbart. Eternal love will break the curse and free Odette? Laughable. How can a prince in love with a princess not realise they are being deceived? By the weaker Odile, daughter of Rothbart, no less? There is no escape from the lies that spout from anyone's mouth, or the magical deceptions that permeate this specific ballet.

I stand before a mirror, covering my cheeks and neck with fine, white powder. I make sure it reaches the edges of my bodice, careful not to get any of it on my tutu. The powder is white, the fabric is black. I am the black swan, now. I have overpowered the sorcerer and have attained my final, true form. I am sentenced to death, unable to live as a swan, unable to fulfill my desires with the sweet, handsome prince. He must also pay the ultimate price.

Kai sits next to me, dressed fully in black. Tight black pants, tight black shoes, and finally a short sleeved black top. It's a dress rehearsal, but he doesn't seem to take this as seriously as he should, even though it's opening night for our production. We're performing for an audience! His fingers fumble with his mascara and he makes mistakes over and over again as he attempts to add shadow to his sullen eyes.

"You don't have to go through with this, Luhan," he tells me. "You just came back out of the hospital. Sehun would understand if you needed a break from dancing. He could give the role to someone else for the final two acts, and he could wait for you to recuperate before he chose you for the lead in a different ballet. Sehun's planning The Nutcracker, you know? I'm sure he'd let you be the lead for that..."

I turn to face Kai, a look of derision clearly evident on my face. I grab a dark pencil, drawing heavy lines around my eyes and up, up to the tips of my ears, filling them in. I look like a swan.

"Why do you want my part so badly?" I snap, admiring my sunken cheeks, barely any life to them after two weeks of dieting. Sehun said I needed to be thinner, so now I am. Sehun said I would be Odette, too, yet Kai is still here, still trying to steal my position from me. I wonder if this is what Sehun wants, or if this is just Kai being selfish. I wonder if Sehun thought about Kai when he fucked me on the studio floor.

"I don't want the role!" Kai says, reaching for me. He places his hands gently on my shoulders and I shake him off, slapping him in the face.

"Bullshit you don't!" I screech. "You've been after it for weeks! I can't believe you told Yixing about that stupid curse. He's been telling me to stop every time I try to leave the house! He grabs my hand and puts on a sniveling, bawling show every time I pick up my car keys! I've seen him try to slip sleeping tablets into my food so I wouldn't leave him, because of all these stupid ideas you've planted into his head!"

Kai shakes with rage and glares at me, grabbing at my tutu, pulling me towards him. I try and push him away, but he's too strong, towering over me, his arm muscles on display. I kick him but he still persists, wrapping his arms around my waist and tugging me tightly to his chest. I growl, I bite into his arm and he howls, holding me tighter still.

"I'm going to kill you!" I scream, spitting in his face.

"Luhan stop, calm down!" he shouts back, loosening his grip. I use this as my opportunity, forcing my weight onto him, the opposite of what he expects. He gasps in surprise, winded as he hits the hard tiles. I chuckle, hovering over him, using my fist to punch the mirror above his head, shards raining down onto his body. He screams, using his elbows to shield his eyes. I grab a large shard off the ground, leaning over him, pressing it to his chest.

"You want to be the Black Swan?" I laugh menacingly.

Kai shakes his head, managing to push my weight off of him. I shriek as he shoves me to a wall, pinning me. I drop the shard. He presses his arm to my neck and I cry out as he cuts off my air. I choke, tears pricking at the corners of my eyes as I attempt to suck in air, only able to let out strangled sobs and coughs. Kai presses the palm of his hand to my thighs, running them along my legs and upwards, cupping me in between his fingers, brushing his lips against my neck.

"W...what?" I stutter.

Kai's face is close to mine, gelled hair combed to one side, fingers inside me. No, not fingers. Claws. I shriek as he tears his claws into my flesh, ripping, twisting, jerking at my lower stomach until he leaves a deep gash. He grabs at my skin and wrenches it apart, until I can taste blood in the back of my throat, gurgling and choking. As he laughs, I manage to muster up the strength to push him, forcing him off me. I slump to my knees, weak from blood loss, eyes wide and terrified. My fingers scratch across the bloodstained, tiled floor, and I hiss as they wrap around a sharp object.

Kai hisses madly and leaps onto me once more, picking me up by the hair before throwing me against the ceramic bench. He uses his claws to rip off the head of the tap, laughing obscenely as he smashes it at my face. I screech, horrified as I catch sight of my broken nose and bloodied lip in the multiple reflections that shine back up at me from the broken shards of mirror on the floor. Kai grabs my head in his hands, kisses me roughly, forces his talons back into me. He rips my clothing off and fondles my member, ripping crimson lines up and across my stomach.

"Stop!" I groan.

It's too much. I manage to wrench my wrist from his grip, letting out a howl as I dislocate my shoulder. I shout at him, scream at him, push him backwards and catch him off balance. He growls, dark eyes filled with dread as I bring my other arm up into the air, clutching the shard of mirror so tight that I cut my palm and blood drips down onto his lightly clothed torso. I bring it down, using all of my power to jam it into his chest, laughing madly as I see the light leave his eyes. Pools of blood spurt up, soaking me. There's a final tremor through his body, and then he falls limp.

I killed him.

I feel sick. I clutch my neck, choking back sobs. There's blood all over the floor, everywhere smashed glass. I fall backwards in despair. His body is limp, lifeless. I touch his face, stare into his lifeless eyes, and scream.

What have I done?

I have to hide the evidence. I lift him up, struggling to get my arms under his shoulders. Deadweight. I drag him across the room, find a storage cupboard, and dump him there. I force the door shut behind him, wincing as blood oozes from the corners. I find a wet towel off the sink and turn the tap on, scorching hot. I'm so nauseated I throw up all over the floor, repulsed by the stench of blood hanging in the air. I wipe up the mess, clean my face, hands, scrub mercilessly at my skin until it's raw and red. I clean up the shards and put them in a bin.

I have to go back out, have to dance. It's the third movement of the ballet, and Sehun will be beyond himself if I'm late. I can't tell him. I can't tell anyone. I clean up my costume, reapply my makeup, and throw a frantic glance at the storage cupboard. No one can know. I breathe, frantic, hollow breaths, and try to steady my nerves. I can do this.

I tread lightly down the corridor, finding my position backstage. Sehun nods towards me and I give him my most poignant, innocent smile. He steps across, just as the music starts, and presses his lips to my neck.

"Kill it," he says.

But I already have.