Sometimes I wonder if everything that happened was my fault. I was undeniably obsessed with him. Since the age of 4, I remember watching him on BET; singing along to songs, cutting his pictures out of WordUp and Right On! Magazines and taping them to my pillow at night. Yes, y'all read it right. I was a little loco about him lol, but he was my crush; one I never rid myself of and one even to this day, I can't rid my mind, soul or body of.
It was his. It is his! I still smell his scent. I still hear his voice; his footsteps. I still feel his body on top of mine. I wake up in cold sweats from dreams about him.. the pleasure; the terror. I may never understand how I can still be in love with the very thing that brought me so much pain, be pissed whenever I hear others speak ill of his name yet have moments of disgust all the same time.
Picture: admiring, crushing and lusting over a man for over a decade, and then finally meeting him, sleeping with him, living with him and meeting all of his personalities: The Lover, The Jokester, The Genius, The Innocent Child, The Abused/Scared Child, The Insecure/Resentful Man, The Demon, The Freak; roll them all into one and there you have YOUR MAN. This was the man I idolized. He was no cake walk. There was so much pain behind the talent, the smile, the front. There was so much that nobody knew. I knew though.
